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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's none of my 'bil's business?

32 replies

Duck77 · 09/05/2018 08:54

So some of you might have seen the thread from 2 days ago about my partner dropping his brother off at the airport... this happened on the same day and it's still playing on my mind. The 3 of us were chatting about holidays and asked him if he's going anywhere for the summer. He said probably not but next year is his and his wife 10th anniversary and they do a bigger trip then. Fine I thought it's great! Then we sort of started chatting about weddings (me and my partner are not married) and I said I'm not fussed about the wedding all I really would like is a nice ring and a good honeymoon. So just to explain I'm not interested in weddings, hate the all fuss and I think loads of times people just waste their money on it and forget what it really is about. I love the idea of being committed to someone and get married but I don't need the drama and the stress and definitely not getting what the thing is white dress, like honestly you wear it once! But that's just me and I appreciate if all these things mean a lot to others.
But then my 'bil' said: 'you need to work your priorities out there darling' and I'm so offended. Why?! Why do I need to work on my priorities. Who is he to talk to me like that? AIBU?

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 09/05/2018 09:07

don't waste your energy on him. It means nothing to you.

[yes I had read the other thread]

FASH84 · 09/05/2018 09:09

You seem to dissect every word he says in order to take offence , you said in your last post you funny like him , that shows. That was probably more of a jokey sibling dig at your DP who BIL probably sees as 'getting out if' the fuss and expense of a wedding

FASH84 · 09/05/2018 09:10

*don't like him

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2018 09:15

Surely you've got your priorities exactly right? The serious commitment without all the fuss, bother, frippery and expense, followed by a nice holiday. What's wrong with that?

Original poster
Duck77 · 09/05/2018 09:30

You are right FASH84 I don't like him. I think you can pick your partner but not his family and I'm perfectly fine to tolerate him at family dos and try to maintain an okay relationship. No need for family drama but when constantly getting these little moves from him I get really annoyed. And I can definitely say it wasn't a joke. He was dead serious and sort of looking down at me. The conversation went dry after this and my partner is all for his family but I could see on his face he was thinking 'what a fuck is he on about ' I didn't want him to say anything and I didn't say anything but honestly how can you tolerate this when he's firing comments like this at alll the times ?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 09/05/2018 09:47

Can you not see how this...

I said I'm not fussed about the wedding all I really would like is a nice ring and a good honeymoon

Would come across as your priorities not being great?

Did you actually say...

I'm not interested in weddings, hate the all fuss and I think loads of times people just waste their money on it and forget what it really is about. I love the idea of being committed to someone and get married but I don't need the drama and the stress and definitely not getting what the thing is white dress, like honestly you wear it once! But that's just me and I appreciate if all these things mean a lot to others

Maybe he felt insulted as well if he had a big wedding and maybe he thinks having a big wedding with all your family & friends is important and part of the way to show your commitment?

Without knowing you both it’s hard to say, but just from this he sounds a bit obnoxious and you sound a bit like hard work.

MightyMucks · 09/05/2018 09:52

I think if someone spoke about marrying one of my male relatives as being all about ‘a nice ring and a good honeymoon’ I would be offended and rather worried.

You may have meant you weren’t bothered about the wedding itself, but it may well have come across that you weren’t bothered about the person you were marrying as much as the ring and the holiday.

So you’ve probably misunderstood each other.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 09/05/2018 09:55

I think wanting only a nice ring and holiday can come across in a variety of ways.

If someone said that to my brother I’d wonder if they were the one paying for said ring and holiday?

thethoughtfox · 09/05/2018 09:57

He was talking about celebrating the anniversary of his wedding to the woman he loves and you immediately ripped into weddings. do you not see how rude and hurtful that is?

thethoughtfox · 09/05/2018 10:00

Agree with pp, saying you are only interested in the ring and expensive holiday implies you are materialistic and aren't interested in making promises to be love and support and share your life and everything you have with his brother. It sounds like you are only interested in what you can get from him.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 09/05/2018 10:18

I suppose it depends how you said it, but I reckon your priorities are just fine (hell, I'd even skip the ring).

File it under 'WTH' and move on.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2018 10:20

You really need to try and be less sensitive about things he says. It was a comment I’d laugh off from most people, it’s because he is saying it that it’s getting to you. Seriously you need a strategy for something to think every time he says something to you that means you don’t get worked up by it.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/05/2018 10:27

Perhaps he was just hearing the bit about you want a ring, but can't be bothered to have the party with all the family, of which he is one.

I really think you need to be a bit quicker in your thought processes. Rather than drive off and stew over it. Just say something at the time. Perhaps practice some lines to yourself.

"I don't understand, what do you mean?"
"Can you elaborate on that?"
"Hang on, what are you saying?"

Or what ever feels natural to you. If you feel he is having a dig at you, call him up on it.

DialMforMordor · 09/05/2018 10:28

I think you managed to say the exact opposite of what you meant, and he's not a mindreader.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2018 10:32

I think he is right. If you said that a wedding was all about a nice ring and a holiday then you do need to sort your priorities out.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2018 10:33

If you said that and it was what you meant I mean.

Namesallgone18 · 09/05/2018 10:34

yy to previous post.
what you actually said makes you sound very materialistic. Wanting a diamond and a beach somewhere isn't somehow more admirable than wanting a party with all your friends and family and making vows to your partner in front of all the important people in your life.
Maybe this is how bil saw it.

LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2018 10:35

I didn't want him to say anything and I didn't say anything but honestly how can you tolerate this when he's firing comments like this at alll the times ?

Well grow a backbone and actually say something for once then!

o0o0 · 09/05/2018 10:36

Hmmm... sorry, I'm with BIL. For the reasons mentioned by PPs.

I think you give him too much headspace

Original poster
Duck77 · 09/05/2018 10:37

I don't know how preferring a ring and a holiday is more materialistic than spending loads on wedding dress etc. I agree with timeisnotaline that I need a strategy and got to be less sensitive. I'm definitely not the definition of an easy going person and have to understand that people are different.

Just to clarify tho I didn't jump from his wedding anniversary to our marriage plans the whole conversation just went with a flow and I can't remember how we got there but it wasn't me just jumping from a to b. Also he's been mentioning stuff like soon you'll have to change your name all the time he was with us. I'm just fed up. Just wish he didn't say anything. I spoke to my partner about a month ago and asked him about marriage and kids. He said he's not there yet and he wants to concentrate on work and traveling, enjoying life a bit. And I was like that's great this is what I want for now too. So at least we are on the same page. But his whole family making comments about when he'll get married cause he's 32 now. I'm only 25 and really wha to concentrate on work and I just can't bear when family marking comments on decisions we should make. And as sensitive as I am and might take some stuff a bit too seriously I think my bil and the rest of the family should see that there is a fine line.

OP posts:
choli · 09/05/2018 10:38

I'd agree with the bil. Saying you want a nice ring and a good holiday comes across as very crass.

DialMforMordor · 09/05/2018 10:51

I don't know how preferring a ring and a holiday is more materialistic than spending loads on wedding dress etc.

but that's not what you said, is it? You said you weren't fussed about the wedding (ie, OUT LOUD that sounds like you don't care about the ceremony of marriage, which is what 'wedding' means to most people, not the expensive dress, cake, etc), all you wanted was a nice ring and a holiday.

He didn't misunderstand what you said at all. You just didn't choose words that expressed what you actually think. If you two didn't rub each other up the wrong way, the conversation might have gone on and you could have explained your feelings and he might have said, 'Fair enough.' Or not. He might have been even ruder. Who knows?

NWQM · 09/05/2018 10:52

Didn't see the other thread but could he have been put out that you didn't appear to value their family being part of the process. Totally your choice of course how / when you get married but in a stage kind or way it's a little bit flattering potentially that his family are saying 'come on our kid, you need to give your head a wobble and settle down with this one - she's a keeper.'

FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2018 10:53

You're 25?

Plenty of time then to watch and wait and decide whether you do want inlaws like this...

Assuming from the 10 year anniversary thing plus the DP being 32 thing that your 'BIL' is a bit older than you. I guess that could be why he thinks he can talk to you like you're a ten year old, but it would still not be acceptable to me.

'you need to work your priorities out there darling'

'Oh believe me I am. Concentrating on weighing up at the moment whether I could do better when it comes to patronising twats for inlaws. So you may not have to worry about me and dresses after all really...'

FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2018 10:55

He was dead serious and sort of looking down at me. The conversation went dry after this and my partner is all for his family but I could see on his face he was thinking 'what a fuck is he on about '

Good.

Next time this happens, do the same. Just look at him, one eyebrow raised, and let the conversation die. Embarrassing silence. Let your DP see that.

Sounds like patronising twat BIL is well on the way to showing himself up without you needing to get shirty about him at all.