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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wibu to message his ex?

39 replies

sharkirasharkira · 08/05/2018 23:38

Dp is in sporadic contact with an ex of his from several years ago. They used to speak occasionally, via Facebook, until she moved to a different part of the country and they didn't speak for ages.

She moved back to near where we live last year and since then has been back in touch with Dp. I'm fine with him talking to her as I trust him and he is very open with me about talking to her and what she says (I don't ask, he volunteers all the information!).

Recently however, he told me that she was asking him for favours (lifts, etc) and had been offering him blowjobs and sex as 'payment'!! Obviously he declined, but now I'm a lot more uncomfortable with him being in contact with her. I'm also pretty angry with her as she knows he is with me, Dp has been discussing our upcoming wedding with her in some of their conversations!

Wibu to message her and ask her what the fuck she is playing at maybe gently remind her that it is inappropriate to be offering sex to another woman's fiancé? And warn her to back the fuck off politely request she doesn't do so again? Or should I just ignore and leave Dp to deal with the situation?

OP posts:
Deshasafraisy · 08/05/2018 23:40

Your dp should go nc with her off his own back after this, without being prompted. If he doesn’t then there may be trouble ahead. You shouldn’t need to message her

WorraLiberty · 08/05/2018 23:40

No need, as surely your DP will have told her the very first time that he wants nothing to do with her, since she's been so pervy and disrespectful?

Bonez · 08/05/2018 23:41

You do nothing. Your fiancé needs to cut ties with her after this. Why wouldn't he? She has no respect for you or your relationship.

Storm4star · 08/05/2018 23:42

Tbh, if I were your DP, I would have cut contact myself as soon as this was mentioned to him. Morally, what’s she’s doing is wrong. But...she’s the single one, he’s the one who’s attached. It’s up to him to cut this off now. I also think that you contacting her may make her act even worse, I mean in reality what can you do to her? Nothing. If that were my DP and he still wanted contact with someone who had no respect for his relationship, I would be concerned.

MidnightAura · 08/05/2018 23:43

No, you shouldn't have too as your DP should be telling her to back off and blocking her.

theycallmebabydriver · 08/05/2018 23:43

Ignore her and let your dp deal with telling her to do one, repeatedly. She's a sad act who will piss off when she doesn't get the reaction / attention she wants.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 08/05/2018 23:45

yes because it would make you look bad. He should be the one to do it! He should not be contacting her at all now and should have blocked her after telling her that her comments were completely innapropriate.
If you message her it will not look like you are a united front. He has to be the one to do it.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 08/05/2018 23:56

On the one hand I do feel a bit sorry for her as the last couple of years she has bounced around from one short relationship to the next, very quickly jumping from guy to guy - I don't say this to be bitchy btw, it's just a fact. I think it just shows that she is a bit desperate for attention and affection and I think because Dp is nice to her and talks to her then she thinks that = he fancies her and she should give him sex. I think she has a pattern for that kind of thinking. She mainly tends to talk to Dp when she is single or having boyfriend trouble, which makes me think the above even more!

He has told her what she said is not on but I think he also feels a bit sorry for her. She is clearly quite a lonely person. The funny thing is, the lift she wanted was to go and meet a guy! I'm not quite sure how her mind works..

My initial knee jerk reaction was just to tell her to FOTTFSOF Angry

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/05/2018 00:04

Oh come on now.

Your partner has a female friend who has been offering to suck his penis and have sex with him, and he still remains friends with her because he feels 'a bit sorry for her'?

If he's serious about marrying you, he needs to draw a line very firmly in the sand and make sure she remains forever on the other side of it.

That imo means severing all contact with this disrespectful creepy woman.

If he can't see that, you need to ask him why.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 09/05/2018 00:10

Sorry, I meant that feeling a bit sorry for her was why he kept talking to her in the past. Sometimes weeks or months would go past with no contact and then she would randomly message him when she wanted someone to talk to or had split with her boyfriend. Dp never initiated the chats. He seems to be her back up for when she can't get attention from anyone else.

Obviously now she has crossed a line, this hasn't happened before.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 00:18

As others have said...He needs to deal with it.

I'd ideally want him to cut contact with her for good. It's really good he's so honest with you, but he must realise you won't be happy about their ongoing contact?

If an Ex of yours had offered to give you oral sex, would your fiancè be happy if you continued your friendship with him?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/05/2018 04:26

How do you know so much about his ex's life since they split? If sounds like she still plays a large part in your lives for some bizarre r eason.

Monty27 · 09/05/2018 04:58

I would simply drop any of those worries and tell them to get on with it.

InfiniteSheldon · 09/05/2018 05:32

He's a liar on some level. Either they are or were fwb and he's painting her as needy desperate and himself as brave strong refuser. Or he's using her as a subtle threat to keep you in line of he's sleeping with her and trying to make his guilt. What he isn't is a nice, faithful, loving fiance struggling with a female friendships misbehaving. Any decent man would have cut the 'friendship' at the first hint of sexual trading. Don't trust him.

Barbaro · 09/05/2018 05:36

Sorry but the fact he isn't breaking contact with her immediately over that suggests your relationship is not going to continue in the future. He likes the attention from her, that's why he keeps going back. Got nothing to do with feeling sorry for her.

What would you do and what would your DP do if you got comments from an ex of 'you can have sex with me for doing me this favour'? I bet he wouldn't be happy and I assume you would stop talking to the ex.

The fact he isn't speaks volumes. He's maybe interested in her still, and likes the fact she gives him attention. I mean come on, what kind of person years after splitting from someone offers them lifts to go see a potential new partner? That's just weird. She can pay for a taxi or a bus, she doesn't need him. Yet she has him wrapped around her finger, ready to jump to attention whenever she needs him.

Hopefully I'm wrong, but to me it sounds like he enjoys the attention and enjoys the fact she relies on him so much. It's not right.

PetulantPolecat · 09/05/2018 05:41

Yeah because if your ex offered to go down on you and you told your fiancé, your fiancé would think that man was a bit desperate and would feel sorry for him.

AjasLipstick · 09/05/2018 05:47

I'd be highly suspicious of his motivations in telling you what she'd offered.

If he were a normal man with good intentions, he'd simply have cut off contact at that point and either told you what she'd done, or chosen not to mention it as there's little point.

In telling you it's like he's pre-warning you....of what?

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2018 05:54

Why is he still in contact with her? I think he's enjoying the attention from two women. He likes making you jealous.

UmbridgeD · 09/05/2018 05:56

This doesn’t sit right.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he were already shagging her.

Why would he tell that half baked story? People are strange, that’s why.

MyOtherProfile · 09/05/2018 06:00

Has he cut contact with her now? If so you don't need to message her and If Not then you have bigger problems.

daisychain01 · 09/05/2018 06:04

Recently however, he told me that she was asking him for favours (lifts, etc) and had been offering him blowjobs and sex as 'payment'!! Obviously he declined

Declined? That sounds he said um no thank you dear, but then did absolutely nothing to cut her off in her tracks ie he is enjoying her attention and is trying to keep her 'warm'.

Big red flag is that he's enjoying giving you the details to try to make you jealous.

Is this really someone you want to be with under these circumstances? I'd be showing him the sharp point of my elbow but then I have an extremely low tolerance for this kind of shite.

Queenofwands · 09/05/2018 06:07

I would message her .....to tell her your fiancé version of the story. As in is it true what ( insert name) has been telling everyone about you? that you offered to suck his dick just to swerve a taxi fare? there is a word for that .....prostitution. This bald statement of fact is likely to a) flush out her version of events. b) drive a wedge between them as it looks like he is laughing at her behind her back.
If you go with the Jolene stay away from my man angle it’s an ego boost for them both.

SunshineandRain18 · 09/05/2018 06:07

Why exactly is he still in contact with her and why exactly are you still okay with this?

Firstly, I've never been a fan of staying in contact with ex's unless there are kids involved. It's a potential for disaster. Just like what's happened to you.

Secondly she keeps making sexual passes at your partner ans you're just allowing contact to keep going.

MissTeri · 09/05/2018 06:07

Sounds to me as though he's keeping her as a reserve so he'll have someone to run to if you break up? I also think that by telling you he wants you to be aware that someone else wants him so you dance to his tune because if you kick off about anything you know she's in the wings waiting. That may just be my suspicious mind though. YWNBU to message her but ideally it needs to come from him.

sneakysneak · 09/05/2018 06:08

I would be concerned that he didn't cut contact without prompting after such inappropriate behaviour. I would also be wondering if the blow job nonsense is an insurance policy because they are having an affair and he's worried she'll tell you. Your BF is not playing with a straight bat here. It's him you need to deal with, not her.

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