AIBU to let people know what MIL has been saying about them?

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One of the reasons I don't spend too much time in MIL company is her incessant gossip about this person and that. Always negative. The neighbour who gets her shopping for her and walks her dog is a lazy so and so. Comments are made with an agenda "oh don't tell BIL that he would say you are out of order"....when actually that is her opinion. Sadly it took a long time for me to realise her behaviour nevertheless I don't offer any information and don't engage in gossip about other people. I should say that I tend to see her on my own with kids at a time when DH is working. He sees her more often maybe once a week takes her to appt runs some errands etc. but generally doesn't sit and have a conversation with her. He knows all to well what she is like.
Yesterday (The 2nd time I have seen her this year) I get a story about DNephew(15)...he is so overprotected by BIL...He can only open up to me and he told me in confidence that he is gay.
I gave no response and that was the end of that conversation.
My AIBU is that I really want to do SOMETHING to get her caught out.
She counts on other ppl not talking to each other. If this is 1. True then she has broken her grandsons confidence telling me when apparently his own parents don't know. Or 2. A crock of shit for dramas sakes then she needs to be caught out.
Wether is he is neither here nor there it's not a ground shattering family secret but she has no respect. This also rears a problem we have pulled her up previously where she used me as a go between for her and DH if she wanted something he would say no to (sadly it took me a while to figure that out aswell). Now I have information about his family which I keep from him or I tell him. I'm not telling him as it will perpetuate the gossip. But Jesus I want to get in touch with DN or BIL and let them know what she is saying. Should I? Or do I stay out of it?

Stay out. This sort of thing invariably comes out whether you get involved or not, but people love to shoot the messenger, and being the one to pass on what will almost certainly be perceived as "malicious gossip" won't help your rep.

Stop her when she starts in front of you (change the subject, walk away). Definitely do NOT smile and nod (she'll take that as agreement and throw you under the bus when it comes hot (well, OP thinks so too!!) but if she's talking about Mary and you go tell Mary, you won't get a rep as a truth teller, you'll get a rep at a sh*t stirrer.

When it comes out**

When it comes out**

I know that is the sensible option. I'm annoyed at myself for whilst I didn't smile and nod I also didn't say..well do you think you should be telling me that then. It was also said in the presence of my kids who are old enough to repeat the things they hear.
I said to DH that her gossiping is too much I can't be around it and I won't be seeing her for a good while. He agrees it's not a DH problem if anything he says tell her to shut up and has told her that himself I always seem to be suckered in though!

If she gossips to you then she also gossips to them, probably about you.

They already know, so leave it.

Is she said it in front of children old enough to repeat it that's a different matter- you should definitely raise it with your DH to see what he thinks, and it might be worth saying to your BIL that MIl has been passing on confidences in a way you find inappropriate. It depends a lot on whether it's likely to be true and how likely it is to cause problems for your nephew- of all the examples of her shit-stirring you could use to make a point this is the only one with the real risk to cause someone psychological harm if for some
Reason he really has confided in his granny and she's blabbed it around the family.

I don't think you should share what she said but I do think something needs to be done, even if it's just ringing your MIL and freaking her out about the fact your children might repeat back to the nephew/other family members, you wish she hadn't told
You and you don't know what to do now.

Stay out of it. She will deny and you will be the bitch trying to break the family up in the next narrative.

I really want to do SOMETHING to get her caught out

Record her discreetly on your phone

I have a family member like this.

For those saying if she talks about others to you, she talks about you to others. That is guaranteed.

It never fails to amaze me when people don’t see her for what she is, but sadly some just don’t or do t want to.

Only tell her what you dont mind everyone knowing anyway. Respect your children’s privacy by not telling her much about them either. Eg don’t talk about any developmentalal concerns/negative personality traits/school issues etc. Be in your guard around her and keep your distance as much as possible.

Stay out of it and tell your kids under no circumstance to repeat.

The only true victim here will be the 15yr old. So don’t forget about him when you’re trying to get your MIL caught out!

The only thing your should do is sit your MIL down and tell her honestly that it was inappropriate and potentially dangerous of her to have said that about her grandson. And then call her out every time in future she starts telling you nasty stuff.

• ‘I’m not sure X would be too happy to hear you say that about them’
• ‘I don’t want to hear unkind things about X’
• ‘stop, I don’t want to hear it if it’s going to be unkind’
• ‘that was mean MIL!’.

Tempting but, no, I wouldn't do it - I would do as faothinthesound says.

My MIL (and FIL!) are the same. I learnt (far too slowly) to not engage with it at all. They've, very successfully, managed to 'divide and conquer' DH and his sister by doing this. We're completely past the point of no return now I think. Anyway, I tried to gently suggest to SIL what may be going on over a decade ago now (when she shared how upset she was over the state of her relationship with her brother) by giving her an example of something FIL said (not badmouthing her - which he does do - but to show how they create rivalry). It didn't go well at all.

I can't think of one person that they haven't tried to badmouth to us and I have absolutely no doubt at all that they badmouth us. People work that out eventually.

They eventually worked out that they can't do it with me (they could to start with I am ashamed to admit - I just didn't get it) - I reflect it back, ask them if the person gave them permission to share their business, ask them how they know that, change the subject, say it is none of my business...but mainly just avoid them because it is utterly draining and I feel like everything I say will be judged, twisted and gossiped about.

Once I said to MIL in response to her saying something negative about her brother (again) - 'gosh I don't think I've ever heard you say anything positive about Bob - tell me some nice things about him' or wtte. It was met with cats bum face and then, thankfully, the DC burst in.

Well that's it isn't it there is a boy who may or may not have had his confidence broken and honestly I have no idea. I'd like to think it's not entirely made up but I can't be 100% sure. Not sure what would be worse tbh truth or lie. I won't approach anyone the information will stop with me. I won't be contacting her and next time she asks me to visit I'll say no as I found her behaviour inappropriate (this will no doubt spawn some gossip about my denying access to her grandchildren!)
It's so exhausting I just don't want to spend any time in her company I think I'm mostly pissed off at myself for letting her talk to me!

That is such good advice and sounds like a similar situation. I have in the past made her slagging subject into a positive.
..Oh Glenda has got herself a toyboy has she...good for her sounds like she's enjoying herself....
It's exhausting

Stop going round if she bothers you so much. And don't breathe a word about your nephew's sexuality. Certainly don't make it the issue you use to teach your MiL a lesson.

MIL "comments" about everyone. "Freda is a stupid woman", "Julie never cleans her bathroom", "Donald is nasty just like his father" etc etc.

She often moans "No one comes to see us anymore". Can't think why

In this circumstance I would tell your DH what she's said about your nephew. Let DH then deal with it. Whether that's a quiet word with your nephew to warn him that GM is not someone to confide in, or whether he tells his DM that sharing that sort of information is not on.

Or doing nothing, as thats also a choice of course

Are you my SIL?

My MIL is a malicious gossip who counts on people never talking to eachother which is seriously idiotic because of course it doesn’t work and anybody that believes she doesn’t talk about them behind their back whilst godsiping about someone else to them is equally idiotic. I resolved never to trust her with any sensitive information a long time a go. It’s one of my pleasures in life to refuse giving information about a person whilst she’s so forcefully trying to extract it.

However, it really is a negative drag being in her presence whilst she goes on and on and on and sometimes I get quite uncomfortable so I totally understand where you’re coming from. Not sure what to suggest apart from to tell you I said this to her once and walked off:

Great minds talk about ideas
Average minds talk about events
Small minds talk about people

• Eleanor Roosevelt

MIL has often been nasty in the way that she speaks about people - dementia has made her worse, but she was never a nice woman.

She moans at DH about SIL and he backs up SIL and her partner. She moans at SIL about DH (and our family), and SIL just takes it in.

DH is fast withdrawing from both - for this and other unhealthy family reasons. Your MIL will be the loser long term.

That’s a really horrible situation to be put in, isnt it? I think next time I was speaking to BIL/SIL or whoever, I would drop in something like “had a lovely morning over at MIL’s the other day. Good grief, the gossip just gets worse and worse though, doesnt it?! Ha ha. Anyway, about Sunday lunch in two weeks.........” and move on. Personally I would hate anyone to think that I was happy or, even worse, colluding in such nastiness.

if you pass this gossip on then you are just as bad as her.

If she is talking to you about your nephew’s sexuality, it sounds like she is probably talking to others about it as well. Since the boy doesnt need anyone gossiping that kind of info about him, I think you do need to step up on this one topic. Can you talk to your nephew and give him a heads up? I think you should definitely talk to your DH and figure out a way forward. Imagine if he is outed to his parents by the next door neighbour who was chatting with your MIL at the local shop. Whether its true or not true, either way it would be devastating for both parents and nephew to have it exposed in such a hurtful way

See her less and don’t take the children and tell her why.

Never mention what dye said to either the nephew or his dad. You will become the gossip then.

Anybody who knows her will know what she's like, just ignore.
If you give her enough rope etc.

She has her shopping done and dog walked, is she housebound, how old is she?

Has she always done this and is it getting worse?