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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband is a shitbag and he cant make me sell?

74 replies

TotalReboot · 08/05/2018 09:29

Hoping someone can talk me down. Not a great way to start the working week, I'll lay it all out as briefly as possible without dripfeeding... and please, if someone can give me an honest view?

Split with Husband in Nov. He has some equity in my property but no interest noted on the mortgage - its all in my name due to his poor credit rating.

We have a 1 yr old son. When my ex lived with me he bank transferred £1000 per month towards bills and food. (BARELY covered it!) since he left he has given me nothing, makes no payment towards the house or bills but pays our sons nursery fees - approx £500, as I have to work to pay all the bills solo.

This morning he has demanded I allow access to a valuer so he can get in order 'his interest' in the house with a solicitor.

I've said in time I will give him his original stake back, but that he has to give me time to get back on my feet from maternity leave!! My question is this. Can he MAKE me sell? Can he force access with an estate agent?

Any views appreciated guys... he's got me in a bit of a spin :(

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 08/05/2018 11:20

Call CSA now. Get him to pay towards children..

birdonawire1 · 08/05/2018 11:27

Many solicitors offer a free half hour. CAB is awful for trying to to talk to them. Good advice but an overstretched service.

Unfortunately he does have the right to access his own home and you can’t stop him unless you have some type of court order like a restraining order. Being married gives him certain rights. It’s not a precursor to selling. He can’t do that until and if a court orders it.

Just let the estate agent value the property and get another for yourself. I suspect you may be better off financially if you do sell and get a smaller, less difficult house. Sounds like a ball and chain around your neck tbh

19lottie82 · 08/05/2018 11:27

Call CSA now. Get him to pay towards
children..

The CSA doesn’t exist anymore.

Have you read the full thread?

Colbu24 · 08/05/2018 11:43

Citizens advice borough may be able to advice you on legal matters.

Original poster

TotalReboot · 08/05/2018 11:51

I'm fine with him just paying the nursery fees. I dont expect ANY payment towards bills / mortgage / food / clothes (for his son not me!)

My concern is that he thinks he can just upend my life in a heartbeat, I've put som much work and money into this place and the marital collapse was entirely the result of his lack of ability to hold a regular wage / drinking / poor parenting / lack of effort on doing the place up .... :(

I appreciate some of the above is emotive and not just hard and fast facts. I'm just griping. ... but do want to make the point that I understand paying the nursery fees IS a form of maintenance.

OP posts:

DaddyBeer · 08/05/2018 11:57

Even though Mrs DB is a family solicitor, and this is her bread and butter, I’m not going to give you any advice. What do I know?

Except she does tell me, again and again, that 50/50 is only a starting point. The court will then look at reasons - and needs - as to why this should vary. Inevitably, it often will towards a mother with childcare responsibilities. As long as you have a good solicitor, one you’re comfortable with, there will be little reason for you to fear an unfair outcome.

A good solicitor will handle all the heavy lifting and fight hard for you. Do shop around, make use of the free half hours, do some research or look for recommendations, if you can.

VanGoghsDog · 08/05/2018 13:37

Except she does tell me, again and again, that 50/50 is only a starting point.

Which is exactly what everyone on the thread who has mentioned the 50/50 split has said - 'starting point', those exact words.

teaandtoast · 08/05/2018 13:46

Any chance you have anything in writing (emails, maybe) about the situation?

Crispbutty · 08/05/2018 13:50

Depends on when the house was bought and how long you have been married but yes he will probably be entitled to a certain amount of any equity.

My ex husband had to pay me when we split up.

Thebluedog · 08/05/2018 13:56

From my experience, I don’t think he can make you sell as you are covering the mortgage and you have a dc. He is however, entitled to a share in the equity regardless of who’s name is on the mortgage as you’re married.

I found out, to my detriment, that my ex was entitled to 50% of the house equity at the time of the divorce, even though we’d be separated for 2 years and I’d been paying the mortgage single handedly for those 2 years (think rise in house prices and of course the 2 years of mortgage payments) and was the main breadwinner throughout the marriage.

But he wasn’t able to make me sell up and as part of the divorce he signed something that ensured he wasn’t entitled to anymore than the agreed equity at that point, and couldn’t have the money until the dc were working or I sold up.

BlueBug45 · 08/05/2018 14:00

@Bluelady depends in the UK where you are.

In this case the fact that there is a child helps the OP.

newsparklythings · 08/05/2018 14:05

He's playing with you. He wants to control how you feel. He is an arse. Don't let him do this to you.

Focus on you and doing what you and your child need to survive and thrive for now, including looking after your mental health and keeping him at arms length if needs be.

Just say no for now to letting anyone look around unless the CAB say there would be legal repercussions not to. It's not urgent, there will be no negative consequences for him of not getting access/valuation right now.

Definitely get CAB advice and definitely before you put anything in writing to him, even texts etc - get savvy and if he is being litigious show that won't intimidate you - sometimes the CAB can refer you to other more specialist services, also for free and/or free phone help from solicitors (each CAB is a bit different but I've had that in the past)

Use entitledto (website) and make sure you are claiming everything you should be getting.

And good luck OP xx

Racecardriver · 08/05/2018 14:09

First things first absolutely never, never put it in writing that he has an interest, equity or, a stake. If he texts or E ails about it just respond that the money h gave you was for food/other stuff that us not the house or a gift. He mostikrly doesn't have a leg to stand on unless you give him one. Make it impossible to sue and then pay him off to leave you alone. Don't let any valuers in and find a lawyer ASAP.

Perfecto · 08/05/2018 14:21

Omg ridiculous and outdated advice on this thread. Do not listen!

I was forced by the courts to sell up even though I had small children BUT everyone’s case is different so you need a solicitor with all the facts about your particular circumstances.

Original poster

TotalReboot · 08/05/2018 14:21

@newsparklythings thats exactly how I feel, like hes trying to make me scared and win back some control. He did nothing for the first 10 month or so with our son and I did end up under the care of our CMHT. I was just totally burnt out and on high alert over ££ issues due to him quitting his wage job to chase a dream (I did say I'd have supported him AFTER I went back to work and we were more financially stable!)

I'm so annoyed - I've kept all the plates spinning with my savings and £500 SMP and he now just announces he's going to start getting litigious I mean - let me draw my breath, I'm doing my bloody best!?

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/05/2018 14:34

I honestly don’t know of the exact legal position, but I remember being in a similar position to you when my child was a few months old. We weren’t married but I did give my Ex half the equity (didn’t have to legally, just felt it was right, but not sure why as he’s an asshole!)

The main thing I want to say is yes get legal advice but don’t panic. You have a baby and divorce is a shock. You actually don’t need to get caught up in the awful conflict. I wish I’d known that. I was so dragged down. It’s not necessary. Take your time. Your Ex is panicked, he’ll be advised that after leaving the home he’s vulnerable, and to be fair he may have an entitlement. But relax, don’t fire off retaliation.

Just concentrate on you now. What you need. Emotionally, financially. A good solicitor will help, but so will your peace of mind. You’ve done the hard bit.

mimibunz · 08/05/2018 14:35

Don't let him choose the estate agent, or, you choose one of your own for a second valuation.

Original poster

TotalReboot · 08/05/2018 14:35

@Bananasinpyjamas11 thank you so much for the kindness. I'm going to remember that. Sorry you've been there too!

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/05/2018 14:38

You’ll be okay OP! Honestly never ever regretted it. My life is so much better.

Good luck. Don’t let him get to you with grand gestures. He’ll be reacting out of pain but that doesn’t mean you have to.

Original poster

TotalReboot · 08/05/2018 14:49

Thanks Bananas - I was reeling this morning but feel quite a bit calmer now. Thanks for the luck :)

OP posts:

TryingOutNC · 08/05/2018 14:52

A lot of misconceptions on this thread. Married - home is a joint asset, doesn't matter who paid what or who is on the mortgage or what. He is entitled to half as a starting point.

My home should be secured for my DC in the event of my death, as I took out a 'will in contemplation of marriage which means it will not be revoked by the intended marriage'. DH was fully on board with this and knows it should go to my DC. However, in the event of divorce I would just hope that the fact I paid for my house 20 years before meeting DH and that every bill has come out of my account should make some difference.

BrendasUmbrella · 08/05/2018 14:54

The CAB is a start, but you should get decent legal advice. It's not prohibitively expensive, especially not when it's about property.

He may lie that the £1000 a month was towards the house, so if you have any emails or texts that prove it was for bills and food they'd be useful.

nolongerblue · 08/05/2018 14:56

I had a friend who got divorced recently (Scotland so law may be different) and she said the solicitor said assets need to be divided fairly, which is not the same as equally.
In some universities you can get free advice from law students, if that is an option near you (or at least you could in the university town I used to live in).

VanGoghsDog · 08/05/2018 16:14

TryingOutNC

If you are joint tenants it automatically goes to the other joint tenant, a will cannot override that. If you are tenants in common with specific shares, only your share can be bequeathed via a will, not his share. If the whole house is in your name then yes, you can bequeath it to your kids - he agreed, but he could still contest it after you are dead if he has some presumption of financial support and the house is the only asset to provide that (not saying whether he would or would not be successful in any case, but he could try and it would depend on any number of factors).

hope that the fact I paid for my house 20 years before meeting DH and that every bill has come out of my account should make some difference.

Yes, it will make some difference - hence why LITERALLY everyone has said "50/50 as a starting point'. It's the initial assumption, then the court looks at aspects like length or marriage, kids, who brought what to the marriage, prior agreements, needs post divorce etc etc.

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