PILS put me off having children...maybe forever

[HollyWoods8224]

Myself and my partner have been together for 7 years, we aren't parents... yet, we aren't even trying...yet

My in-laws and I aren't best buddies there's a lot of water which hasn't yet passed under the bridge, they are very 'old school' (see; close minded, racist, interfering). Their home works on a women should be seen and not heard, male breadwinner, his opinion is the only opinion, when in their home I bite my tongue and respect that.
Our home doesn't operate the same way, my partner is fully supportive of us being 50/50, sharing income, house work and compromises. he told his parents to respect that (they didn't initially, still don't, but its bearable).
I'm also very guarded and keep things to myself - or tell select people with the expectation that its doesn't get passed further - anonymity of the internet has been great for working on this!

My in laws are VERY present in our lives and because they are family i'll roll with that as much as I can, mine are also involved and we're close but they live further away so we see less of them.

I truly dread sharing the happiness of having a baby with his parents and with my mother (i'm close with my dad, we're peas in a pod in terms of being private) - and i feel horrible knowing that its incredibly selfish of me!
FIL feels entitled to be involved in all aspects of our lives, MIL struggles with boundaries and privacy at the best of times, my own mother over-compensates (i think) for a lack of parenting when i was younger.
I don't want to them to feel entitled to this, I don't want them sharing my news, I dont want them coming to doctors appointments, i dont want them to know the gender, i dont want them touching me, i dont want my them buying things we've decided we dont want, i dont want to have to tell them why they cant be in the room when it happens, or come over in the weeks following.

So... while its not happening yet, and I know I am being unreasonable about sharing what i hope will be a stupendously happy time.... is there anyone else who's overcome similar fears, are these fears semi normal? Are there selective bits of this that we can reasonably expect to keep for ourselves? Or do i have to just suck it up and suffer through open season?

It's your DH you need to have a conversation with, tell him your fears or show him your post and explain that if you are going to even think about children you need his backing. In all honesty you shouldn't need to spell that out but it seems he gets bossed around by his parents and isn't doing much to stand up to them. You can also implement boundaries before you're even pregnant, when SIL was pregnant with her first I said in front of my mum who had her hands on the bump, to her 'doesn't it bother you that people just touch your stomach because you're pregnant?' She didn't care but I made it clear I personally am not a Hugger etc at the best of times and wouldn't like it. When DM told me she was being there for the birth (SIL asked my mum as her DM is frankly a nightmare,/alcoholic she doesn't really have a relationship with my brother was also there) , I said to my mum 'enjoy it because I will only want my DH there'. My mum laughs but knows I'm serious, I've always been quite independent and actually it suits me that DB and SIL met young and she was looking for a mother figure, it means I don't have to deal with the fussing and DM gets that relationship she wants.

My OH and I aren’t married, it just isn’t something that is on either of our dream lists. We would do the paperwork version before TTC to have a defined family unit but no ceremony.

I love bewareofdragons last bit - I’m in no way ready until I can stand up for myself more, I’d never want to have a child who saw me relenting.

None of the parents involved are mallicious, they’d never deliberately be driving us bonkers, they just don’t see how they are because it’s normal for them. It’s not normal for us and we have to say it.

OH is supportive and I have no doubts in his support for me and our one day family. He’s sometimes not in the room in the heat of the moment, sometimes he’s as shocked as me and doesn’t know what to say, and sometimes he isn’t sure if i need him or if I’m going to get there on my own (he knows it’s something I’m working on, but it can take me a minute to realise I’m doormatting myself - old habits die hard!)

After all your comments tonight I got home and we set up a plan to make sure our parents acknowledge our views, and our general limits as a couple. If we’re ever stuck or need help being heard, I’ll txt and he’ll get the point across to his parents and I’ll do the same for mine or if it’s in person we’ll grab each other if things are getting tense.

It sounds like you are getting your head together on this OP. I know this sounds like a hard observation, but the PIL's won't be around for ever will they? You can't go putting your life's plans on hold, why should you? Loads of couples have very very annoying, opinionated and overbearing parents and PILs. Create some space. Act like adults not like kids. Patronising behaviour can instinctively make us act like the naughty disobedient child who has to obey. You've just got to not do that and so must your DP, otherwise you will never be confident leading parents.
I also think as another poster has suggested, that your DP at least explores and rethinks his employment options outside of the family, else this will always be a big lever which your PILs will have over you both.

If anything becoming a mother is the time you HAVE to draw up boundaries, whether it's comfortable or perceived as rude or whatever. You are the child's mother. An adult in charge, fully responsible for this human beings safety and well-being. It's not group work!

I'm a people pleaser by nature but mothering in my way, responding to my children's needs as I see fit is not negotiable. Well. Not now. It's been a sharp learning curve but actually a really positive set of skills to develop. I still inwardly scream when I need to confront people about something in relation to my kids, but end of the day they come first so it's not a choice.

The fact that you're thinking about it is really positive. Defo start flexing those muscles and get DP on side. Try frame it in your mind about being the best mother you can be, and trusting your judgement, as opposed to thinking about how other adult people might feel. Don't let it put you off! You sound like a great team.

@LoveProsecco
We did and do discuss children.
We decided it wasn’t something we would entertain until we bought a home, we spent a long time making that happen.
Now that we have a home (which is kid friendly) we’re going to spend time doing some renovations, working on our $ so one income is comfortable, and getting some of our ducks in a row - when we’re ready hopefully we’ll welcome small person, then decide if we quickly have a second.

Neither of us anticipated our parents, it’s only in the past 2 years that this has come up, we had nothing like this in the first 5 years.

I think your partner will need to step up a bit and if you are both on the same page, it shouldn't really be an issue because you'll be backing each other up.

It doesn't sound ideal though, working for his parents and being so smothered. I don't think I could do that. My mum over mothers like yours and I think it's easy to get ahead of yourself about babies and life further down the line when you don't really know what it will look like. Get firmer with your boundaries and just deal with the rest as it comes. We are TTC and I know my mum's nose will be put out of place at some point but that's because she won't respect my boundaries. We didn't have a close relationship growing up so it's too much for me to have one now and she can't really grasp it.

I don't know anyone who doesn't lock their doors OP so don't worry about that! If they realise it's locked it'll only be because they've tried to enter without permission anyway so they're the ones in the wrong.

Are his family from an Asian culture by any chance?

Speakout: my partner works in the family business, if he asks for time off his father demands to know why, if my partner doesn’t oblige with details he feels like his job and relationship with his dad is at stake. And then FIL tells MIL that OH can’t have the time off, MIL offers to come with me and appears at our house in the morning for breakfast, I say thanks but I really just need OH, OH is given time off but FIL needs to come too as they’ll go straight to work after, then all of a sudden everyone ends up at my grandmas dimentia assessment where I just wanted OH to hold my hand (true story).

What

The

Fuck

I am sorry but you need to rethink your lives. I cna totally understand the issue with children - I wouldn't be able to have them in this situation either. Yes, they will absolutely ruin it for you - and no, you're clearly just not the type of people to be able to stay where you are, in the house and life you have, and stem the 'tide' of interference. If you were, none of what you describe would be happening.

What's the family business? What are your DH's transferable skills?

Because the only answer to this is to disentangle your lives. To move very far away and stop working for your overbearing FIL.

There isn't another good option. I'd start discussing that with your H.

Or I'll rephrase better: are you and your DH of the same culture/ethnicity?

Just don’t tell them. They don’t have to know when you’re in labour. You don’t have to find out the sex, I didn’t with either of mine. Don’t tell them your appointments. Just don’t share the information. And lock your door. Also tell the midwives not to let them in. Usually there’s a visiting policy anyway. But unless you and your OH do this then it will continue.

I don't think it is possible for your husband to work for his dad and for you to live very close and expect them to be held at arm's length. You simply aren't creating the type of distance that would allow that. If you attempt to create it, it will go down very badly and your husband is going to be torn about his job and you/your needs. I don't know if he would be open to moving away/doing a different job, but otherwise, they are going to be basically in your lives constantly, even if you attempt to set boundaries. Otherwise you will spend your whole time policing the boundaries, taking keys off them, asking them to call later/come back later, trying to stem the flow of gifts and so forth.

On the positive side, they may actually prove useful for babysitting!

If your DH is on the same page you can draw up a plan beforehand and then at least both of you will be clear on the boundaries and present a united front. Then you can just both repeat the same things if you get pressure from them when the time comes.

Decide when to break the news of the pregnancy.
No thanks to attending Drs appts and scans.
No thanks to presence during labour.
When to visit after birth.etc

Having a theoretical plan might stop you stressing about it. It should be an exciting and enjoyable time not a fearful one!

Does dp have a contract? Do family businesses have to do them?

I'm guessing dp is a farmer, though that may be more to do with the fragrant air wafting in the window today!

Just limit information when the time comes. Tell them after scans/appointments if at all necessary. If they ask why you didn't say before just say why there was no need to.

Learn to say 'sorry we've got plans then, I'll check with DP later and sort out another time.' If they're intruding on your time too much.

If they make old fashioned/judgemental comments just say 'this works better for us, I wouldn't like to do things the way you did. Things have changed since your children were young.' Etc.

You say this didn't happen during the first 5 years OP. What changed two years ago?

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam
Yes we are both European, he is 5 years older than me, His parents started their family later and OH is the youngest of his siblings. My parents started earlier and I'm the oldest of mine.
His parents are a similar age group to my grandparents and the difference between generations seems huge, even on small stuff.

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam
We moved in with his parents while we were house hunting, while under their roof I followed suit in terms of their rules etc, but they don't seem to like us reverting back to our 'normal' now that we have our own space.

OH is a tradesman, his skills are most definitely transferable and he has talked to FIL about going out on his own, FIL has (apparently) been more realistic at work and says he's on the way out - he is able to retire comfortably but chooses to hold onto the reigns to keep himself busy.
OH is self employed and contracts back to the family business - he doesn't have to ASK for leave but its expected, FILS expectations are based on the world 50 - 60 years ago, they generally arent....in line... with today's employment laws (we've had several sH!t fights over it with FIL but i leave those battles for OH to choose unless it affects me)

Moving further away isn't an option, we put so much into getting a house that would suit us in the long run (it fits us, room for up to 2 kids, friends staying, good neighborhood, right price etc) we really love our home.

It sounds like your DP needs to take on a few, and increasing, contracts away from the family business. That would possibly be the best way of putting some distance between you two and them. At the moment, if he receives most/all of his salary from them, I can imagine that, given their lack of boundaries, that would contribute to them feeling like they 'own' him somewhat.