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AIBU?

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Original poster

PILS put me off having children...maybe forever

67 replies

HollyWoods8224 · 08/05/2018 05:28

Myself and my partner have been together for 7 years, we aren't parents... yet, we aren't even trying...yet

My in-laws and I aren't best buddies there's a lot of water which hasn't yet passed under the bridge, they are very 'old school' (see; close minded, racist, interfering). Their home works on a women should be seen and not heard, male breadwinner, his opinion is the only opinion, when in their home I bite my tongue and respect that.
Our home doesn't operate the same way, my partner is fully supportive of us being 50/50, sharing income, house work and compromises. he told his parents to respect that (they didn't initially, still don't, but its bearable).
I'm also very guarded and keep things to myself - or tell select people with the expectation that its doesn't get passed further - anonymity of the internet has been great for working on this!

My in laws are VERY present in our lives and because they are family i'll roll with that as much as I can, mine are also involved and we're close but they live further away so we see less of them.

I truly dread sharing the happiness of having a baby with his parents and with my mother (i'm close with my dad, we're peas in a pod in terms of being private) - and i feel horrible knowing that its incredibly selfish of me!
FIL feels entitled to be involved in all aspects of our lives, MIL struggles with boundaries and privacy at the best of times, my own mother over-compensates (i think) for a lack of parenting when i was younger.
I don't want to them to feel entitled to this, I don't want them sharing my news, I dont want them coming to doctors appointments, i dont want them to know the gender, i dont want them touching me, i dont want my them buying things we've decided we dont want, i dont want to have to tell them why they cant be in the room when it happens, or come over in the weeks following.

So... while its not happening yet, and I know I am being unreasonable about sharing what i hope will be a stupendously happy time.... is there anyone else who's overcome similar fears, are these fears semi normal? Are there selective bits of this that we can reasonably expect to keep for ourselves? Or do i have to just suck it up and suffer through open season?

OP posts:
speakout · 08/05/2018 07:51

I think another job would be a good move.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2018 07:52

Go back to locking the doors of your house when you are in! We always do anyway, it is much more secure. Anyone could quietly walk in off the street and help themselves to car keys, handbags, etc.

Don't answer the door if they turn up unexpectedly.

I think DP will need to be ill on days when you need him for scan appointments.

Eeeeek2 · 08/05/2018 07:53

Change your locks.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2018 07:54

I would not consider TTC until you find their behaviour manageable. It concerns me that you have to explain to DP why it’s a problem. It will only get worse if you have a baby. Working for them makes it difficult to have good boundaries because of the imbalance of power.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 08/05/2018 07:54

Okay so if you’re dealing with people who know they’ve interrupted you while shagging and weren’t so mortified that they never barged in again, they’ve got high-level entitlement!

Definitely make things crystal clear. Even if they’re cranky, it’s better than being worn down by them constantly taking a mile when you give an inch.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/05/2018 07:58

As long as you and DP are on the same page everything will be fine. But it’s crucial you are. The tiniest crack and they will spilt it wide open. Discuss and agree boundaries with your DP and stick to them.

I also agree moving away is a good option, although working in the family business might make that harder. However, don’t go too far or they will be descending on you for weekends and holidays!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/05/2018 07:59

Split not spilt

northside · 08/05/2018 08:01

If and when you do get pregnant, you don't have to tell them when your appointments are. If they ask you, just say... oh, some time on Tuesday, I can't remember.

They'll probably go and tell people that you're expecting, even when you've asked them not to. Unfortunately, you can't police them 100% of the time. So, I would probably try and resign yourself to that one...

If they buy you things that you don't want. Use/wear things once. Send them a picture. Sell it.

In terms of touching you, being in the room, etc., it's not really a great idea to have more than one person in the room. And you can be firm with your feelings about being touched.

I hope that they respect your wishes, when the time comes! Good luck!

WellThisIsShit · 08/05/2018 08:01

This:

“As long as you and DP are on the same page everything will be fine. But it’s crucial you are.”

Inertia · 08/05/2018 08:06

Surely the walking in is easily solved- just keep the doors locked. You shouldn't have them open to potential burglars anyway.

If you ever want any privacy, you are going to either need to start standing up to PIL (after the debacle of grandma 's medical assessment would have been a good time) or your partner needs a new job.

And I wouldn't be respecting any household where women are expected to shut up and do housework and be told what to do by men - and if they didn't like me having a voice I wouldn't visit. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/05/2018 08:06

It all sounds very controlling and off-putting. I expect that I could give you ten reasons why I decided not to have children - overbearing in-laws being just one of them.

How much do you want children? Do you think you'd regret it if you didn't? I would advise thinking very long and hard before making this major decision which you're obviously doing anyway.

I've never regretted it but would hate for you to do so - after all, there's no compromise is there? You either do or you don't. Best of luck.

billybagpuss · 08/05/2018 08:08

You need one of those latch locks so the door is always locked to the outside but you can double lock it when you go out.

I also agree DH needs a new job away from the family business. As a boss you can not decline time off because your employee won't tell you why he needs it, the fact that they are related is irrelevant.

Returnofthesmileybar · 08/05/2018 08:09

So hang on a second, you took your pil to your grandmother's medical appointment? I assume not in? They waited in the car? Anyway, after this I have no sympathy, don't be a martyr "what? No we're going to a medical appointment, it's not a family outing, of course you're not coming" it's literally that simple, if you pussy foot at all then people see their opening to get around you, you just need to be firm.

zzzzz · 08/05/2018 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotTakenUsername · 08/05/2018 08:18

Maybe twist the lock before you get frisky... Confused
Good practice for when you have children too.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 08/05/2018 08:18

Don't tell them when your appointments or scans are...tell them afterwards once you have been....when you are in labour, Go to hospital, have your baby, and then when you feel ready then tell them (whether that is when you are still in hospital or when you have gone home with your baby)

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 08/05/2018 08:22

Also they will only have control /access in to your and your husband's life now and in the future ..if you let them...don't tell them your plans, of they as you to do things, be vague and say you have other plans...same when you have a baby, you will have to be firm, you are the baby's mother, and your husband is the father, you both get to make the rules...and if IL's want a relationship with baby they would soon learn to keep to your rules of what is and isn't allowed

NotTakenUsername · 08/05/2018 08:29

and if IL's want a relationship with baby

Sometimes I think posters forget that controlling people are much more motivated by staying in control than having a healthy relationship (which requires balance and compromises) with anyone - even a new baby.

Tinkobell · 08/05/2018 08:30

I actually think you've got some pretty hefty life shaping questions to ask yourself. Is your DP the 100 percent the ONE for you? Cos if he is the ONE then you're going to have to adopt strategies for dealing with his family. It will require a very firm and united front.

If either you're a bit limp wristed or your DP is too subservient to be united and create the space you need as a couple and a family then you have to reconsider this. For your own sanity for years to come.

Think long and hard. Talk to your DP at length.
By the way, my parents are a bit right wing, bit rascist, bit "Little Britain" but I'm not and neither are my children who have always grown up contextualising their old GP's remarks! They don't rub off, younger people are smarter than that!

Blushlove · 08/05/2018 08:31

If you feel that strongly about it already it will only go one of two ways when you're pregnant, first way you'll be that excited to share everything that you won't mind them being in the know (from what you've said I think this is highly unlikely) the second, you will feel like you do even more, you will only grow to resent the interference and get more worked up, unfortunately making it less of a positive experience.

Life is hard with a newborn when you're trying to find your feet and bond, add in people who already drive you crazy with their lack of boundaries and it will not be pleasant.

I really like my in laws but they were so so excited about having their first grandchild that they have sometimes over stepped the mark but I've kept my lips sealed because I know it's not from a bad place but even this has caused a little bit of resentment so I can't imagine how bad it would have been in your situation.

My advice, never cave to their wants from the second you're pregnant (even better, put your foot down even further now to get them ready). Your DP will have to step up more than he is and back you 100% and not give in aswell even if he has to resort to lying about why he's taking time off. Check with the hospital if there's a policy on the amount of people allowed in for scans, the birth etc I was only allowed one person in on mine and that would be a solid way of them not being allowed in no matter what.

Finally, don't let them stop you having children because of their behaviour, don't loose out because of their craziness, good luck.

BewareOfDragons · 08/05/2018 08:33

Um, your inlaws have NO right to be involved in ANY aspect of your lives, let alone all of them, if you don't want them to be.

You need to sit down with your DH and plan out you two are going to take a step back from extended family and start setting out very firm boundaries. With consequences, like not seeing them for a while, when they over step. Or not engaging in discussions you don't want them to be a part of.

SEriously.

And I'm glad you don't have children. You shouldn't have children until you can stand up for yourself, stand up for your boundaries, and have a husband who will back YOU up, not his parents, to protect YOUR family.

I hope your husband is on your team.

freddomonster · 08/05/2018 08:40

Definitely a good idea to be really firm from the get go. So when you are pregnant and feel ready to make news public, tell them at the start.

"We don't want any name suggestions, no one is attending any scans or appointments, we've got everything we need and you'll hear from us when baby has arrived safely and we're up for visitors."

Both of our parents are pretty interfering and it has been tough but we were very blunt about there being no negotiation from day 1 and I think it really helped. When they did start discussing baby names we'd immediately shut the conversation down and remind them that we don't want any of their suggestions. They were still a pain when dc arrived but I think it could have been a lot worse had we not been so harsh from the beginning of the pregnancy!

I agree with other posters, I know it's not ideal changing jobs before you ttc but is there any chance he can look at changing jobs?

Imagine if he wants the day off to go to an important appointment for baby and they all turn up for it? Or the first day at school? Nativity plays? It could be an absolute nightmare!!

GummyGoddess · 08/05/2018 08:42

@BewareOfDragons that strategy would only work if OH got a new job (which he should).

LoveProsecco · 08/05/2018 08:47

How does your DH feel about all of this? As others have said having support and family helps both parents and DGC. However it needs to be love and support not control or someone being over-bearing

MN is full of frustrated DILs with DHs who won't take a stand. So you and your DH need to be on the same page on all these things.

Did you not discuss children/future plans before getting married?

AgathaF · 08/05/2018 08:52

You need to take all this in hand a bit, whether or not you plan on a pregnancy. They are taking advantage on your lack of boundaries, but you have allowed that to happen. So you and your partner need a plan of action, and you both need to stick to it.
Lock your doors - lots of people do it routinely, it's not a problem.
If you do get pregnant you don't need to tell them straight away. Wait a few months so that you've had time to enjoy it on your own before you tell anyone. Don't tell them the gender. Likewise with labour, why would you tell people?
Presents - just take anything back for a refund if you don't like/want it. They'll get the message soon enough. Or ask them for gift vouchers instead.
I cannot believe you allowed them to come with you for your grandma's medical appointment. You allowed that to happen - why??

It sounds like your partner has a lot of concerns about offending his parents and you need to work on why that it. Does he have to continue to work for his Dad? Can you move away, even just 20-30 minutes further drive away from them would probably be an improvement.