To be terrified now that it's over?

[Flappypants]

Posting for traffic and also because I've has some awesome advice from.this board and on Relationships. I was postng under the name MissCommunication but I deleted my account because my DH was clearly accessing my devices and he's techie enough to get access renpteky through my Google account and passwords.

Anyway today I took the first step. It's over. I'm calm yet terrified. This is a man who has controlled and gaslighted me for years. We have two DC nearly 6 and nearly 2.

I don't even know where to begin with my terror because he's told me he wants me to move out, that he wants shared care (I am primary carer SAHM not a bean to my name etc etc) and that he will fight tooth and nail to get maximum access.

The things tgat have happened over the years have been so hard and he is now saying it's so sad that I believe he has tried to drive me insane and that he has trusted me with the children despite his concerns about me.

I have asked my solicitor to contact him and for the petition to go out asap.

The children have never been away from me for a night yet which I know some might think odd. I breastfeed the youngest still and eldest has medical issues and needs a little more support. DH has his own business but reckons he's going to give up working FT so he can look after the children. It's laughable because he's been disengaged over the years yet blames me for blocking him from his children. He practically gave up his DD from his first marriage in his pursuit of me and his physical contact with her has waned although he says he is in very frequent contact with her on text etc and hides it from me. I have the fact that I allowed him to lure me in at the cost of his child on my conscience until the day I die.

It's a completely toxic and awful situation and I have broken free. Although I am scared I feel a relief that I don't have to worry about offending him or what I'm going to do next. This year alone I have been told that I am rude, aggressive, nasty, abusive, controlling, manipulative, lazy, greedy for money (!) selfish, lacking in effort or care or consideration for him...the list goes on.

My AIBU is to be terrified that this will destroy me? I'm so scared. My mind is going 500 miles an hour. He will break me. He knows how to play everything. Surely he won't get 50%?? The children are not used to it (And I know they are resilient...I have been through a lot as a child myself but I think that's how I got into this mess and I don't want my DC to grow up thinking this relationship was normal) and it isn't in their best interests. He is really laying it on thick about wanting to be with them. He should have thought about that years ago.

Help me!! It's only the first day and I'm floundering.

I've managed to grab passports and birth certificates. I needed to get out of the house to make calls as I am certain he has bugs and cameras around the house. Thankfully I changed my phone but he does have the IMEI number so can he tap it???

The car he has bought is very techie. I am sure he can track me through it.

My advice is to listen to his actions not his words. You've already said he's not been an active parent to your children and let his relationship with his first child slide into nothing. He's saying those words to frighten you, he knows how to hit you where it hurts. Please try to remember that almost everything he says will be to manipulate and control you so stop listening. It's took me a few years to be able to fully stop listening to my grass lighting ex but realising his words didn't match his actions was a huge lightbulb moment for me....they're full of shit 💩

He may be watching you, may be following you, but this shows his desperation for control. He is the weaker of the two of you. You can outsmart him by setting your own mental rules to control your behaviour around him.

Manipulators like to mentally and emotionally 'off balance' victims. When you next talk to him have scripts in your head and keep the longterm in mind. He says he wants you to talk he wants more to twist. You say "it's over, this goes through a solicitor". He blames you, try blackmail,
moans etc. you say the previous line. Be a broken record, look at the 'grey rock' boredom method, read 'badge reclaimed'. Disengage and become unresponsive.

Baggage reclaimed!

I have spoken to women's aid and they were very good and said I should get out with the children as soon as possible.

I've spoken to my solicitor who I think will look after me well. It's all so difficult. I feel a little less scared and when i found that he's been through my cupboards and probably more I felt disgusted and invaded and revolted by it.

But I won't let him know that.

Can Womens Aid help you to get away and do you have friends that will help?

I know the usual advice is to stay in the house, but with a manipulator it is probably better to get sanity space.

Women's Aid have advised me to contsct tge locak service and talk to my solicitor which i have. He has been great. He doesn't recommend I move out but says that the bullying tactics and/or suggestions won't continue and I should go through him and we vain control of the situation. I think he will try and get DH to move out.

Something really weird happened earlier Giving children supper and DH home early and sitting with us. DS5 completely randomly and weirdly asks if we would take the new shed if we move house. Now. I have never and would never discuss ANYTHING with him. But I could see DH's face. So I said to him that I didn't know where this was coming from as I could assure him I have not spoken to DS or around him. He did his incredulous look and we moved on. But it WAS weird and I immediately felt I had to make a point of saying I hadn't discussed it...but has HE discussed and allowed me to worry he's suspicious of me?? I simply haven't and wouldn't discuss this with DS and not without agreeing it with DH and probably doing it together when the time is right. It simply isn't my style but DH looked at me like he didn't believe me. I fulu expect an email reminding me not to discuss divorce or marital issues with the children. From the man whose son has called me a nasty woman and come out with the words fucking cow!!!

Looking at housing up in my area (Cotswolds) I know that I cannot get a house. Not for less than £400k for even something very very modest. My family lives on South coast where it is much more affordable and I think I have to be realistic about staying up here. I would be willing to bring the children up here every other weekend and I would just stay with friends. Has anyone had to do this and does it work? I would hateto leave here as I have a great support network despite his isolation tactics (such as not being able to see my best friend...see my link in OP and when we early on used to have lunch every day together, if I was ever invited to do something else he would say things like of course you go and enjoy it. Of course I'd rather have lunch with you...i love spending time with you and I would do it all the time if I could. But you go off and enjoy. Over time the guilt made me just decline invitations).

I am trying to think it all through. Am I being realistic or head in clouds?

Try to keep cool in front of the wanker. Get as much advice as you can. Send any documents you can find to a safe place, a friend, family member etc. It’s unlikely he really will go for 50/50 care if he’s been disengaged. This is the script they all seem to follow, so try to remain calm.

birds nest custody

I would highly recommend setting up an email account he doesn't know about and emailing photos of all and any documents to it, copying in someone you trust (sister etc) and getting them to keep copies in a folder (in case he installs key tracking software etc). If you can, copies of big item receipts as well.
Right now, he wants you panicking and making silly mistakes.
Kids pick up on small things much more than you realise so don't panic too much.
If you can, while he's out, get valuation of the house and look up his company records. Any info about pensions, savings for the kids etc.
Get as much info as you can. If you're really unsure about using your phone, get a cheap PAYG for important info.
Please, please discuss with your solicitor about the financial abuse.

Please don't make any offers regarding visits and driving. In fact, don't make any offers or discuss future plans of any kind. All that does is give ammo for arguments or give time for him to think up rebuttals and offer 'alternatives' that will not work for you. Above all, this is the time to keep your cards very, very close to your vest. If he brings up anything regarding divorce, moving, or the children your response should be along the lines of 'I'll have to think about that' or 'Interesting idea, I'll give it some thought'.

Have you ever heard of 'grey rock'? It's what you need to be doing.

www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/

You really need to find somewhere out of the house to store documents and valuable/sentimental items (ones he won't notice missing). Is there a friend who can keep them for you? And if you can, try to start a 'fuck off fund'. This is cash that you hide away, again preferably out of the house. If you have no income of your own, consider using 'cash over' when you go shopping and then conveniently losing the receipt. Try to find a place that gives cash for returns, buy a few things there, then return them and stash the cash. If you have sellable items, see if you can sell them via a third party or using a friend's address. Even if you can manage to scrape together a couple hundred £, it can give you a cushion to fall back on for emergencies.

Don't assume you can't afford anything, and definitely don't offer to drive them. If you do have to relocate (or he does) driving will be shared. Let your SHL advise you, don't say anything that could under,one your case.

The documents you've secured? Post them to yourself at sister's address or similar solution.

Have you applied for benefits yet? It can take a few weeks to process so do it asap

Thank you everyone. At the moment I am going to have to focus on getting his stuff out if the bedroom. I don't know why or how he went into that cupboard. Either he just went through my things with a fine tooth comb or he has a camera in the room somewhere and he saw me putting it in there. As far as I know he has no pension. I will look but I imagine he will have moved statements etc. Again if he has a camera in the sitting room he will have seen me looking before.

Baby calls.