To think friends OJ is controlling

[missbonita]

An old friend has been staying this weekend. Over her last 3 visits she's raised the following, all in a lighthearted chatty way:

1. she has to bring a lot of her clothes with her when she goes away otherwise her oh will 'throw them away' (he has done this before)
2. she has wanted a cat for 20 years but oh always says she can have one 'after the holiday, after Xmas, soon... when the times right'
3. she desperately wanted children (throughout her twenties and thirties said she was childfree by choice) but oh says it's selfish to have children and wouldn't discuss it
4. oh is a vegan so she is not allowed animal products in the house and she can't return home after consuming animal products (so can only have cheese if staying away etc- she's vegetarian)
5. they moved to the coast 7 years ago, she would rather have stayed in London or moved to the north where her family and friends are
6. he gets annoyed if she visits family/friends due to impact of train etc on the environment
7. she would like to go to Japan on holiday and has saved the money but he says she shouldn't fly. We'd discussed taking this holiday together and saved for 3 years so she was more circumspect telling us this (although it didn't bother us that we couldn't go as we'd only really said we'd go due to her passion for it.

She is the main earner bringing in 80% of household income, if that is in any way relevant (not financially controlled I suppose)

I think I should speak to her about it more seriously, DH thinks it's her choice to be with him (this weekend was the first time DH saw any issue tbh - she mentioned the clothes and he said 'Jesus, I can't imagine what would happen if I threw bonitas clothes away' we all laughed... but inside I felt sick)

AIBU to think he's controlling and unkind?
If this was your friend what would you do? If you were her would you welcome well meaning interference? I should just shut up and stay out of it shouldn't I?

*oh not oj
Oh god

He sounds very controlling and I certainly wouldn't put up with that behaviour from my DP, why is she still with him?

I'm not sure you can do anything because she knows all this herself.

I also think if you criticise him she will feel she can't confide in you.

Unfortunately I think the best thing is just to be there for her do that she knows she can count on you when or if she wants out.

I would be quite worried if this was my friend. If she has brought it up on her visits to you, have you tried talking to her about it?
I think I would start helping her explore her options. It does sound like a happy partnership

So he's vile and controlling, yet she is the one earning? They have no kids to factor in?

I'd tell her to move North, get a cat and leave the sad bastard.

I would say gently that this stuff isn’t normal and see how she reacts. But that’s a horrific list!

She's certainly volunteering a lot of information. Makes me wonder if she's been brainwashed by him but still has a glimmer of commonsense telling her something isn't right. The clothes issue is very odd. Therefore as her friend i would ask her if all is ok with her relationship.

You can't do anything unfortunately- when I was in a controlling relationship I would have denied/brushed off anything but I also wouldn't have shared so much. You could say to her that if she were in a position when she needed help you will always be there when/if she needs it

Fuck that for a laugh. She needs to kick him out.

What is the house situation? Rented? Mortgage?

Sorry doesnt sound happy!

I would disagree that she knows it’s all wrong - I think she’s probably so deep in that she thinks this is normal.

You sound like a lovely friend, it's a notoriously difficult scenario. YANBU!
All you can do is let your friend know that you are here for them and care about them, and don't like to see them unhappy.

Whenever I've spoken to friends of mine about their exes and asked if there is anything I could have said in hindsight to make the scales fall from their eyes, the answer is 'no'.

Yes, he sounds like a dick, but she is a grown woman who is discussing this in a 'lighthearted' way, so I imagine she is capable of leaving if she wanted to. She's been with him for 20+ years, so I don't know that saying anything would make much of a difference...

They own a lovely home in joint name but she pays mortgage as he's in low income.

She pays for everything but has no choices, in other words.

I agree that she knows this, and knows it's not normal, and is minimising. If she's happy, loves him and wants to stay I will support her but my concern is that she's in a 'sunken loss' mindset and having given up her chance to have kids for him feels she's nothing left to lose.
She's an 'earth mother' type who dotes on my dc.

Thank you for the replies, very hard to discuss in rl as he's very well
Thought of due to sincere activism.

your not being unreasonable but as people have already pointed out.. she stays with him.. she's able to visit you .. so she must be able to visit others.. just make sure she knows she has a friend in you always

How sad, it sounds as though he's ruined her life and she's been conditioned to accept it.
She sounds absolutely suffocated. Some of the examples are just plain cruel.

As a friend you can offer to be there for her if she wants to escape (said fairly light heartedly?) she can always stay with you if she needs to, that sort of thing.
I don't think you can stage any sort of serious intervention.

She's sharing all this information with you though perhaps as a way of starting a more serious conversation.

He does sound controlling. All you can do is hold a mirror up of alternate responses eg x left their relationship because their partner didn't want DCs; DP would never throw my clothes out; y is vegan but their partner isn't and this is how they manage it.
You could also suggest counselling or a personal development 'retreat' where she can start to explore how she feels about her relationship I am thinking a retreat may work purely on the perception I have of her as someone who is in a relationship with a vegan, environmental activist
It may be that she uses her DP as an excuse for choices she thinks you would question eg deciding against DCs (even though she loves children) because of over-population; letting you down over the holiday.

He's very well thought of due to sincere activism

Sorry he sounds like a nasty selfish prick with a massive ego. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

If you say anything to her she'll repeat it to him, and you'll be persona non grata. That's been my experience, anyway.

Ask her. Is she bringing these things up to introduce a conversation? Or is she not aware she's brought up this laundry list of behaviours? Either way, she may not actually have admitted what's going on to herself.

How old is she? Is she still able to have a child? Is she able to foster?

I agree with the above poster who says, she should move north, get a cat or two or three and have a fondue party as a house warming.

Are you close to her family? Can you alert a sibling/cousin/aunt to your concerns. Knowing there was a support group around her may give her the strength to make a decision. Perhaps she is afraid of being alone. If she is telling you all this stuff - she knows it isn't right.

She has the ability to earn a good salary, presumably there is equity in the house which she could split with him and she has no children to worry about. She could make a clean break and still be an earth mother type.

She is resigned to not having dc now, and has a very prestigious academic job in London, she has a 2 hrs commute by train due to moving which she hates as well, but loves the job. I've suggested she stay with friends in London mid week. Maybe the distance could give perspective.

She does a lot of visiting, mostly without him. He won't come to our house now because we keep
animals (he called our cat a 'slave' which earned him a few hours derision and we've not seen him since)

Thanks for replying, lots to consider

'Wolf in sheeps clothing' is right.
He is an activist for women's rights but treats his oh like this!

So her DP is ok for her to commute on the train to earn a wage but not to visit friends or family?! That alone would be a red flag for me. He's only selectively supportive, does your friend know what a relationship can be like with non controlling people?

He’s a women’s rights activist? Are you shitting me?
She needs to get away and then blow his cover.