To think friends OJ is controlling

[missbonita]

An old friend has been staying this weekend. Over her last 3 visits she's raised the following, all in a lighthearted chatty way:

1. she has to bring a lot of her clothes with her when she goes away otherwise her oh will 'throw them away' (he has done this before)
2. she has wanted a cat for 20 years but oh always says she can have one 'after the holiday, after Xmas, soon... when the times right'
3. she desperately wanted children (throughout her twenties and thirties said she was childfree by choice) but oh says it's selfish to have children and wouldn't discuss it
4. oh is a vegan so she is not allowed animal products in the house and she can't return home after consuming animal products (so can only have cheese if staying away etc- she's vegetarian)
5. they moved to the coast 7 years ago, she would rather have stayed in London or moved to the north where her family and friends are
6. he gets annoyed if she visits family/friends due to impact of train etc on the environment
7. she would like to go to Japan on holiday and has saved the money but he says she shouldn't fly. We'd discussed taking this holiday together and saved for 3 years so she was more circumspect telling us this (although it didn't bother us that we couldn't go as we'd only really said we'd go due to her passion for it.

She is the main earner bringing in 80% of household income, if that is in any way relevant (not financially controlled I suppose)

I think I should speak to her about it more seriously, DH thinks it's her choice to be with him (this weekend was the first time DH saw any issue tbh - she mentioned the clothes and he said 'Jesus, I can't imagine what would happen if I threw bonitas clothes away' we all laughed... but inside I felt sick)

AIBU to think he's controlling and unkind?
If this was your friend what would you do? If you were her would you welcome well meaning interference? I should just shut up and stay out of it shouldn't I?

Yes, he's controlling and she should LTB.

Yes you need to say something. Once.

He is an abusive prick, please help her leave him. Encourage her to stay with you, to gain perpective, and contact Woman Aid.

They own a lovely home in joint name but she pays mortgage as he's in low income.

Is he actually on the mortgage? Is there any £ tied up here? I mean, if they sold and paid off the mortgage what would the difference be?

I'd suggest selling up under the pretence of getting somewhere nearer work, renting for a few months and then ending it. Depending on the £ after the sale of the house.

Big hollow laugh at him being a Woman's Rights activist! Probably using this as a smokescreen.

He's an activist for many tings and works for a union.
He is def in the joint mortgage as an equal party. The commuting is madness when he makes such a big deal of carbon emissions.
I keep thinking of other things now :(

Something I heard a few weeks ago in a training course has stuck with me particularly strongly - no disclosure is accidental. She knows this isn't right, and she's telling you that you.

I'd keep on with the reminders that this isn't normal, don't denigrate him in any way (it'll get back to him and he will find a way to cut her off from you). The suggestion that she perhaps stay with friends midweek to reduce commuting is bloody genius.

I seem to be saying this on every post I write ATM, but could you encourage her to look at the Freedom Programme? They do it online so she could do it whilst commuting.

Sensitively raise the subject. She may be waiting for you to start the conversation.

I agree with Fliss. She's telling you something so keep holding a mirror up to that and supporting her.

He's a Women's rights activist? Please encourage him to do a Mumsnet live guest thread and we can all rip him a new arsehole.

He called our cat a slave I assume you're forcing your cat to carry out all household chores- hoovering, gardening, casual baby sitting and putting the bins out without paying the poor thing minimum wage?
I'm on the fence with this one. Either he's got a point or he's out of his tiny egotistical mind.

The cat thing was v weird.... more of a slave driver than a slave!

Anyway, I'm just going to keep listening and reflecting back to her....

Would/could you have her to stay? If she's been with him all this time she may feel she has a lot sunk/invested in the relationship or hard to imagine what the alternative future could look like. It takes huge courage to leave.

She knows she is always welcome to stay as long as she likes :)

I'd want to stage an intervention, swoop in through the window and rescue her!

This is definitely control, including financial , it works in both extremes so it's her responsibility to support them and commute long distance to do so, while he fights for his causes 🙄🙄. As for any cat doing anything other than exactly what it wants, forget it! The cat is definitely in charge in our house, slave really!! It's actually a very offensive comment to populations who have been enslaved, as it trivialises their experience, I guarantee he refers to the dairy industry as rape too (having worked with survivors I can't even tell you how much this makes my blood boil). Be there for her, don't push her to condemn him, ask gentle open, non judgemental questions when she discloses something, she needs to know she has a safe space.

The throwing the clothes out issue is bizarre. Does your friend mean he just throws everything out, or just certain things he doesn't like? Did she say why he does this at all? Does he think she has too many clothes? Is he giving stuff to charity? What is going on?

And what does he mean she can't come home if she's eaten cheese? If she ate a pizza, would she have to spend the night in a hotel? Most odd.

how does throwing clothes away tally with concern for environment?

He just throws out things he doesn't like! Its crazy but she was like, 'oh well, you know' we were all saying 'No! we don't!'

BTW I am off Jamaican descent so the 'slave' comments were ridiculed by DC who hilariously had the cat shackle dancing and begging her 'masta' for a belly rub

I almost, a tiny tiny bit, see the cat slave thing.
You have chosen this animal and taken it against its will to live in your house just to provide you with amusement and companionship.
Where this falls down is that if a cat isn’t happy it’s just plain fuck off.
Also I agree that it is a huge insult to anyone with slavery in their ancestry.

It’s sad that she’s spent 20 years not living the life she wanted. I’m quite materialistic and I don’t believe in denying myself things that will make me happy, so I really have a hard time understanding people who go to the extremes of not having children and not visiting places they’d like to go because of the effect on the environment, why not just have 1 child or only fly once every 5 years? all things in moderation.

I agree with previous comments, you can say something once, but don’t push it. It might be too upsetting for her to reflect on what she’s missed out on.