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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my neighbour is rude?

44 replies

Booie09 · 07/05/2018 11:59

We've lived in our current house for 5 years, our neighbour opposite is in her 70s her husband passed away 4 year ago and has a family who live about 5 mins away(Just setting the scene). When she pops over it's always always when I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or when were just about to eat!! If i answer the door I have a quick chat then off she goes, but if my DH answers he always invites her in for a cup of tea which lasts about a hour. I can accept her turning up at dinner time maybe once but it's starting to become a regular occurrence! Aibu to think this is quite rude! She can see us arriving home from work from her kitchen window so she must know we will be having dinner at some point.

OP posts:
InanimateCarbonRod · 07/05/2018 12:01

YABU I don't think she's being rude.

She's probably very lonely and has taken a shine to your family. Irritating and a bit of a pain but no, she's not rude.

BarbaraOcumbungles · 07/05/2018 12:05

She’s lonely. Why don’t you ask her for dinner?

SecretStash · 07/05/2018 12:06

It’s not rude per se, but it is inconvenient. Simply don’t answer the door when it’s a difficult time.

KurriKurri · 07/05/2018 12:07

Well firstly tell your Dh to stop asking her in for a cup of tea when it's dinner time - that's his fault not hers.

Then say to her when she turns up 'oh we're just having dinner, so can't really chat' - that way she'll soon get the idea that it's not a convenient time (she maybe has her dinner at a different time or even mid day so doesn;t realise)

Then try to make a bit of time to chat to her at other times (or you DH as he obviously quite likes talking to her if he keeps inviting her in)- she's clearly lonely, being on your own all day can make you desperate for a bit of conversation. That's not rude, it's sad.

Idontdowindows · 07/05/2018 12:27

Tell your husband to stop asking her in. Invite her over on your terms if you are so inclined, at times that suit you. So "sorry neighbour, it's not convenient now, but why don't you come over for ?

expatinscotland · 07/05/2018 12:31

Tell your h to stop inviting her in! Or from now on only you answer the door as he has no backbone and he takes over the cooking.

PollyPelargonium52 · 07/05/2018 12:35

I just would stop answering the door. She isn't being very considerate.

Beeziekn33ze · 07/05/2018 12:35

Does she see much of her family nearby? Any other widows/widowers living locally? Any groups at a church or community centre which she might enjoy? Or could you gently explain that you're busy in the evenings and invite her over occasionally at a weekend for a specific time. DH may not be indicating that evening visits are not ideal.

bevelino · 07/05/2018 12:36

She sounds lonely rather than rude.

WingsOnMyBoots · 07/05/2018 12:38

She is obviously lonely but this is not your problem. Going to have to be nice but firm as another poster says 'sorry can't ask you in about to eat' etc. Boundaries.

Dwellerfromunderthesink · 07/05/2018 12:39

Not rude at all but very inconvenient and not taking into account you’ve just got in and are probably knackered, about to sort out some food and relax. Agree that it’s absolutely fine to say that you’ve a lot to do at this time but if you feel able to, maybe invite her round for a cup of tea and a bun or a meal another time. She might be lonely/bored so if you could see her occasionally at a time that’s ok for you, you’d be doing a nice thing,

Chewbecca · 07/05/2018 12:50

If you're happy for her to come and have a cuppa but not at that time, then just say (& prime DH to say) 'ooh, we're just dishing up dinner, pop back in an hour?'. Problem solved.

ClaudiaWankleman · 07/05/2018 12:56

This isn’t rude. Inconvenient isn’t rude.

DadDadDad · 07/05/2018 13:02

It's only rude if you have (nicely) asked her not to come at certain times because that's when your eating, and she persists in coming then anyway and expecting to be welcomed in.

DadDadDad · 07/05/2018 13:02

*you're
I can't believe I made that error! I'll be writing "would of" next... Blush

happypoobum · 07/05/2018 13:04

I don't understand - what is she coming round for? Is she asking for help with something/some excuse?

Or is she just turning up and expecting to be offered hospitality? If the latter that is really rather rude. However, I can see this thread is going to divide into the usual popper inners and non popper inners.

Tell DH to stop inviting her in. Don't answer the door if you know it is her. If you mistakenly open it, just explain you are busy.

TomRavenscroft · 07/05/2018 13:04

if my DH answers he always invites her in for a cup of tea which lasts about a hour.

Does he know this pisses you off? If not, why not? Tell him.

And more generally, when you next answer, just say nicely 'We're just making/sitting down to dinner – shall I pop over at xpm/tomorrow morning/Saturday morning?' Make clear that you DO want to see her (I'm assuming you do...!) but also that you have bad and good times and that you're open to agreeing on a time that suits you both.

wormery · 07/05/2018 13:07

Would you feel happy knocking on her door sometime when you're not doing anything and explain to her that you are busy when you get home so it's not a good time to be calling round. She might invite you in, stay for a quick cuppa then say goodbye. She is probably lonely and seems to like you and your dh.

Rudgie47 · 07/05/2018 13:08

I think as well I'd be talking to her about luncheon clubs, activities etc in the area for elderly people.She obviously like company, so things like this would be ideal for her.

LittleOrphanFunkhouser · 07/05/2018 13:12

She's not being rude, she wants someone to talk to and your husband did the right thing and invited her in for a cup of tea and a chat. The best thing you can do next time she comes over when it's inconvenient is be honest and tell her, but do it in a gentle way.

amicissimma · 07/05/2018 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplehammer · 07/05/2018 13:15

She is thinking “If I sit with a cup of tea long enough they’re sure to invite me to join them for dinner”

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2018 13:16

This is shades of the Friday night dinner man!

If DH inviting her in the issue, tell him to stop.

“We’re busy at the moment, it’s not a good time”. And repeat.

Juells · 07/05/2018 13:23

@BarbaraOcumbungles

She’s lonely. Why don’t you ask her for dinner?

Why should they? When I get in tired at the end of the day I don't want to be bothered having to be polite to strangers.

Original poster
Booie09 · 07/05/2018 13:27

Maybe I used the wrong word!! Yes she has family and grandchildren, she goes out quite alot with her daughters. I'm in most of the morning and go to work at lunch and tea time so she knows she can pop over anytime! If i was popping into see somebody I would make sure it wasn't when I knew they were busy.

OP posts:
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