To think my neighbour is rude?

[Booie09]

We've lived in our current house for 5 years, our neighbour opposite is in her 70s her husband passed away 4 year ago and has a family who live about 5 mins away(Just setting the scene). When she pops over it's always always when I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or when were just about to eat!! If i answer the door I have a quick chat then off she goes, but if my DH answers he always invites her in for a cup of tea which lasts about a hour. I can accept her turning up at dinner time maybe once but it's starting to become a regular occurrence! Aibu to think this is quite rude! She can see us arriving home from work from her kitchen window so she must know we will be having dinner at some point.

She doesn't know you are busy though because your DH asks her in for a cup of tea - that says loud and clear 'it is fine to drop in at this time'. You are giving her very mixed messages.
Get your DH to pull himself together and stop asking her in at dinner time. Why hasn't he cottoned on that it is annoying for you ?

If you've known her for five years surely you can just tell her not to come over at dinner because it's inconvenient and make it clear she's welcome to drop in in the mornings.

We had an old lady living next door to us when I was a teenager who was widowed, and she started popping in at tea time, - my Mum just told her to come round for a meal each night. She ended up sleeping in our house too in our spare room (accompanied by her foul tempered pekinese dog)

She ended up sleeping in our house too in our spare room (accompanied by her foul tempered pekinese dog)

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't think it's my place to start looking at groups for her to go to....as I said she has two daughters and grandchildren! She often pops over to ask my husband to do odd jobs for her! My husband doesn't get in from work till 5:30/6:00 and feels guilty because she lives on her own! Surely she could ask her grandsons or in-laws they only live 5mins drive away. She also knows I'm in most mornings and a hour in the afternoon.

As other posters have said - tell your DH to stop inviting her in! Fairly simple solution, not sure why you’re ignoring it.

I've said to him...but he feels sorry for her! I just think I would just think "they may be doing dinner will pop in later"

Could you pop over to hers one morning when its convenient to you?

Tell him again. Is he an idiot?

I could but we have nothing in common!! I know that sounds horrible but I really struggle with having conversations with her!

Just tell her its not convienient and ask her not to call at tea time again because you are very busy.If she continues then have a word with her adult children. Its their job really to do jobs for her not your husbands.

I think it’s rude to go round someone’s house unannounced and uninvited when it’s clearly meal time. But I’m in the minority and I suspect that’s because she old and alone.

But agree your husband is probably confusing her.

I'm in most of the morning and go to work at lunch and tea time so she knows she can pop over anytime!

Does she though? Have you physically said that to her?

Maybe harsh but one day you might be a widow and experience loneliness. So I think being there for her is a wonderful thing that you’re doing.

I would never dream of bothering neighbours like that. If I was widowed and needed some diy help I would look on gumtree etc.

Polly I agree. I live alone, late 50s and am totally crap at DIY and struggle to do certain things due to joint problems. I wouldn’t ask my neighbours to help though unless something was an emergency ie a big water leak. Not unless we were the sort of neighbours who are more like friends and who help each other out. And even then I’d try not bother them.

I know she's lonely and yes she knows she can pop over! But it's her timing, my husband has a very physical job and sometimes just wants to relax. When she's over she also makes comments about our movements like she's been watching us.

You need to knock it on the head altogether in my opinion. Just stop answering the door. If she wants diy help just say you are too busy and too tired from work etc.

Polly, that's a bit harsh. I think the OP just needs to speak to the neighbour in an adult way and explain that 7pm on (or whenever) is dinner and family time, but they can arrange another time to meet up.

And of course the daft DH needs to stop inviting her in at dinnertime; she's getting mixed messages at the moment.

All I can say I think about yourself in 40years time if your dh is gone. It must be so lonely.
I am surrounded by widows on all sides. One is lovely and likes a chat but has boundaries so we are never in each other's houses. The other is much the same.
The 3rd is totally alone...no family etc. She's also started to get a bit wandered and I am concerned for her. We keep an eye out for her. My dh will do odd jobs of she needs but she does get a handy man for big stuff. She absolutely loves our kids and always has a little thing for them. Yes it's irritating when she's knocking on the door after bedtime etc but I try to have compassion.

I'd wonder why she is lonely when she has her family this close by!

You don't have to take over from her family and you're not obligated to be friends with someone just because they're old and lonely.