Can't get through a meal without..

[poopsqueak]

My mum mentioning her weight/food habits in a circumspect way EVERY meal. Btw she's not over weight and neither am I.

AIBU to find this really really really irritating.

Sometimes it's 'can't eat that, that, that' as reading a menu.

Sometimes it's a 'ooh that's very carby/fattening (ps I hate that word)/heavy'

Sometimes she gets some food, then purposely says (in a loud voice) 'oooh I can't possibly finish that!'

Sometimes she shoves her food on other people's plates in a very obvious way 'you finish that, I cant'

Sometimes to the women in the group 'you aren't going to finish all of that are you!'

This week we were at a BBQ and she ordered a pork kebab, chips and a flatbread then said 'only a soda water please, lager is really really fattening' I thought that it wasn't the lager that was unhealthy in that situation.

I just change the subject whenever she goes on about it, especially when she is in front of my DD. It's brought up all sorts of weird memories from childhood that she used to have this bizarre commentary on food.

Does anyone else's mum do this? It's driving me bonkers.

Agree TheFirstMrsDV - and you see it on here too 'I've had a cheeky burger', 'a naughty glass of wine', a 'dirty pizza' . And all the competitive threads about healthy food and not allowing more than one biscuit a week.

So tedious.

Fine to be sensible about eating and not want to be obese but just don't on on and on about it.

Happily in my 50s and eating what I like when I like .

I wouldn't let my dds eat with her. They soak this noxious shit up like sponges.

Sounds annoying!

Not to derail thread, but yesterday I was out with DMil (Nat Trust) and decided not to have a cake in the tea shop.

DMil couldn't quite get the distinction between my

"Not wanting a cake" (which I definitely did) and
"Deciding not to have one" (begrudgingly).

The only way I can lose some weight is to try and eat less - often in social situations. It is hard. I don't know why food choices have to require such commentary - I blame society!

I'm in my 50's and have never utter such crap in my life.

I'm in the sun thinking is "noxious" even a word? What does it mean? #BritishSummertime

I was going to suggest a generation thing as my DM can be a bit strange about food ,but she grew up in the War. However I'm 50 and definitely don't think like that - I know I could do with losing some weight, but don't actually know what I weigh and have never been on 'a diet'.

I have a friend who’s competitive about food like this. Eating out, she waits to see what you’ve ordered before ordering something with fewer calories in herself. If she wants (for example) more bread she’ll say ‘Do you want to split another roll? A whole one’s too much for me.’ She also makes a point of eating more slowly than anyone else. It’s infuriating and I will refuse to eat at all sometimes because I hate being manipulated like this.

urgh...I really hate this type of thing.

Tell her that her constant commentary is destroying your enjoyment in eating with her and that you will stop doing so if she can't contain it...

Oh god yes my mum does this too. OP if you find an off switch do let me know

I think from my mum it is because she struggles to stay slim so she obsesses about it all the time. I think she also competitively wants to be seen as dainty / not greedy in comparison to everyone else It makes me dread eating with her tbh, always have.

Oh god I feel for you OP. My ex (thank god) MIL does this. She knows how many calories are in pretty much everything of every quantity but doesn’t have anything to say about much else. Really puts you off your dinner when she waves the remnants of her dinner about on her fork asking if anyone wants to finish it off.

As you can tell I don’t miss her nor do I miss her looks of utter disgust in my direction when I tucked into my food with gusto. Feel really sorry for my poor kids who still have to see her.

In my 50s and have never heard anyone talk that. Why don't you call her out on it EVERY time?

If she makes a comment say, "please don't make silly comments like that"

If she asks you a direct question, ignore it.

topcat - grr, tell me about it!

I am doing MyFitnessPal, and working with a personal trainer. It still only works if I stick to it about 95% of the time. So yes, I would usually like a slice of cake, and no, I won't have one most of the time.

Because of all the pieces of cake I didn't turn down, this is how it has to be fora while, followed by being more careful in future. Losing weight is something I want more than those slices of cake. Everyone expects their event/goading/suggestion to be the exception.

My Mum is constantly commenting on size - oh that girl plays football well for a bigger girl, oh poor Sally, all her friends are so tall and slim. It must be so sad for her inside her head to be so preoccupied with that.

It sounds like your grandmother had issues, or even anorexia - worth being aware of as it does run in families, though it sounds like you are doing your best to not perpetuate it, and I do think the mothers attitude is the most important.

Argh people like this are so annoying. I've had bowel surgery and now I can't eat much in one go. (I am still plump though!) I have one friend who is really weird about it. She stops eating as soon as I do, even though she obviously wants to eat more. Then she keeps asking if I am going to have any more and when I say no, she says that she won't either. To be honest it's quite annoying as she's obviously hungry and ends up pressuring me to eat. I feel like a bad host for my guest being hungry. But if I eat more I will be in pain or throw up

Anyway, that was a bit off-topic really. To be honest I'd start trying to socialise with your mum away from food. Especially when you're with your daughter. She might start making those kinds of comments to your daughter. When I was 9 someone said "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" to me when I was eating a chocolate finger biscuit at a party I was really self-conscious for ages and worried about my perfectly normal, healthy diet.

I'm in my 50s and have definitely heard older people say that - maybe 65-70+ - that is a generational thing/throwback from the war in my opinion.

That's different from the competitive eating that OP is describing - its looking for accolades and approval for eating less; maybe a general insecurity or a need to look down on others for eating more (which is now a seemingly very popular position to take )

If you tackled her again, more firmly, would she listen? Although seriously I wonder if this is something she enjoys doing - makes her feel superior?

I know people in their 30's 40's say it too. I know men who talk like this as well as women.

That sounds very tedious, but then so is anything that someone goes on about relentlessly that's of no real interest to anyone else. Would it do any good to have a proper talk about it with her, do you think?

Do you think it's a generational thing? I am in late 20's and she is in mid-50's

No, I don't think it is. I am older than your DM and I work in an office of women of all mixed ages. Some of them in their 30s and 40s are always going on about going to 'fat club' and how many 'sins' they can eat, and commenting about what other people are and are not eating. I agree with you 100% it is just soooooo boring. I just tune out but appreciate that you can't do this with your DM

In your shoes, I would just keep changing the subject..... DD tell DGM about what your teacher said about your school work, about your ballet/football/judo club..........DM did I tell you about our plans to reorganise the large bed in the garden/the spare room/the loft space..... etc. etc.

Fill the space, so there is no room for her food comments....:)

Endless talk of being 'good' or 'naughty'. It makes having a group lunch or even just offering a bag of sweets round unbearable.I hate it.

This is so true.

I go out for lunch with two friends I've known for 10 years and 30 years.
Every mouthful is eaten with guilt. It's depressing. One of them is overweight and has been "on a diet and going to Slimming Club as long as I have known her.

I think there's definitely a moral (or perhaps moralising) dimension to how much someone eats, and their weight for some subsets of people. I know my mother saw being fat as a moral failing (born 1920's), and saw her daughters' weight as a badge of failure or success.

Talking about diets and weight all the time is incredibly boring, though.

My mil did this too. It used to make me feel a bit bad for her that she was so conscious.
I think it’s linked to times past where the idea of femininity was that you were frail and delicate.
I think that there’s even a bit in ‘Gone with the wind’ where Scarlett eats before a bbq so that she doesn’t show herself up by eating there.

Mil once made a comment about not being able to manage the portions in a restraunt in front of dh’s female friend.
Friend made a show of stretching and replied
‘Well then, sit back! You’re about to see something special!’

OK. This is easy to solve.

Tell her directly that you have a problem with her constant commentary - give a couple of different examples so she is clear exactly what you are talking about and give you reasons (effect on DD).

THEN next time she does it, do SOMETHING to indicate she has done it again and in indicates she should stop. The SOMETHING needs to instantly recognisable and extremely irritating - wagging you finger from side to side and saying no no no; a psst sound with cut signal across your throat with your finger; a tutting sound. Anything. This is what you are aiming for - Something like Ross's keep it down gesture in Friends: -

and then just do it every single time she makes a comment like that. She'll be so irritated by what you do that she'll stop.

Winky - Love it. That's what we need!

Have you tried actually addressing the behaviour in the moment, rather than engaging with the comment?
I.e. 'It's incredibly rude to comment on others' food choices, please stop' 'I don't want DD to hear food associated with guilt, please stop the comments' and if it continues 'I've been very clear, stop associating food with guilt around DD'

I love my mum but she has been doing this my entire life and she's in her 60s. She will never change. I barely saw her eat a meal when I was wee, I think I thought mums just didn't eat proper dinners

My mum, my DSIS and I have all had eating disorders. 7 month old DS is getting solids now and she's already talking tentatively about him not getting fat (ironic since he really struggled to gain weight initially). What a sad way to live.