Bank Holidays, Barbecues and No Beer

[MightyMacaqueMonkey]

I am pretty sure I am being reasonable with this... More a need for suggestions on how to handle it in the future.

We've just been at a close friend's birthday BBQ bash. I've recently stopped drinking (a combination of mental health reasons, general health reasons, wanting to TTC next year and because I actually have started to hate alcohol and the impacts on alcohol on the wider society). The latter reason is my personal view and isn't being rammed down anyone's throat.

I've found given up hard - I'm on attempt number four, day five; I've never lasted this long and almost didn't go to the birthday BBQ.

However, I went as my best friend has six month old twins and I knew she'd be more relaxed if I was there, they would be a distraction and she'd be able to enjoy a couple of drinks.

All fine, birthday friend was happy to see me, best friend was delighted to have some baby help, but, there is one mutual friend in our group who just would not let it go.

It was incessant. Talking about the fact I wasn't drinking, asking to get me a drink, bringing me drinks "with a little extra in", telling me that my "secret" was safe with them and coming up to me to ask me how many weeks along I was, telling me I was a party pooper etc. Just crap really.

I feel pissed off because they just wouldn't listen to me when I said No. I'm considering dropping them a Facebook message to say that I really didn't appreciate their constant comments and asking politely that we don't have a repeat of the situation tomorrow (we're out with the same people again).

Fair or a dickwad move?

Yanbu. As a non drinker it's utterly exhausting how many people put so much emphasis on drink.

Just tell ppl you're on antibiotics for a tooth infection

Yeah that's fair
Your friend was being really rude.

Yanbu it's tiring. Luckily I've got people around me who "get" it and so go out of their way to get in lovely non alcoholic drinks for me. There really is no reason to not cater for non drinkers as for minimal effort you can give them as nice a drink as some of the alcoholic varieties.

Just tell ppl you're on antibiotics for a tooth infection

I don't really need to explain to anyone why I have chosen to not drink to be honest.

Fowlis Does it get better - or will I just get used to it?

I find a simple "I'm just not a drinker" is sufficient. Those close to me know why I don't drink (medication interaction) but it seems to be more accepted now I'm finding

I meant it as a suggestion to stop ppl being on your case
Ppl are assholes, and ppl who force drink on others do it to make themselves feel better about their drinking!

Have you read This Naked Mind? Tis very good!

Your friend's behaviour sounds beyond irritating and disrespectful. But, surely it would be better face to face? it's hard to judge tone in a message. If they start it again tomorrow, just very loudly and clearly tell them you would appreciate it if they would respect your decision and stop hassling you about it. If they continue, walk away, every single time, until they get the point. Could you get other friends on board to back you up too? Not getting heavy just in a 'leave it out, she's said no' kind of way?

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot

There were a heap of non-alcoholic drinks there. Sorry should have included that in my OP. It's not like there was only alcohol on offer - and there were a couple of pregnant women there as well who weren't drinking.

It does get slightly better but then I've also weeded a lot of people out of my life. I can honestly say don't try the antibiotics excuse as it will be assumed you are pregnant.
I think you've just got to be firm and honest. I'm not sure whether you feel you have a problem with alcohol but I'm sure it would take someone with a completely brass neck to keep pestering sometime who has told them on the quiet that they are a recovering alcoholic

OP, you're being very responsible. It's so odd that some people never grow out of that teenage tendency to pressure your peers into drinking!

I would have gone with "would you ever fuck off, you alky loon" way before that point, but that's just me.

I used to be a big drinker but I haven't drank since new year

I just don't like the taste of alcohol anymore

Luckily I don't really go out anyway, but when I have told people I don't drink, they always look so baffled

I really don't understand the peer pressure that surrounds adults and alcohol. I've not touched alcohol for over 10 years and in that time, not a single person has tried to convince/persuade/trick me into doing otherwise.

You're an adult, you can make your own decisions. Don't make up stories about why you aren't drinking, tell your supposed friends to respect your choice and get over it. I suspect that, with respect, if today is your 4th attempt to stop drinking in 5 days, you're making the right decision.

Stick to your guns and/or find better friends.

Drive places

I think anyone who gets that invested in trying to convince another person to drink likely has an alcohol problem tbh. You giving up clearly makes this friend quite uncomfortable, it probably highlights to them their own dependence so they're working really hard to get things back to "normal" hence pressuring you.

I don't drink and haven't done for about 11 years.

Anyone who tries to push a drink on me gets told not to do it again in no uncertain terms. If they persist, I tend to try and embarrass them by saying something along the lines of, "look, I know you need to have alcohol to actually enjoy anything, but I am able to have a good time without needing it, thanks. Is this party/dinner/BBQ really that boring?"

If they still persist, which they don't usually, I don't see them again.

YANBU. I chose not to drink for a few years for various reasons and some people can be relentless. I hadn't anticipated that people would demand to know why I wasn't
drinking and see it as their personal mission to change my mind. On a number occasions I had people go as far as putting a drink in front of me after I'd already declined, insisting "I've bought it now so you have to drink it!". Then they have the brass neck to act all hurt and offended when I told them that I was sorry but they'd wasted their money as I still wouldn't be drinking.

I ended up distancing myself from a few friends over it actually as they just couldn't respect my choice. I would send the message if this is a person you're likely to see again regularly, otherwise it will just fester and you'll end up snapping at them in front of others.

It's bizarre. I drink socially occasionally but I absolutely will not drink on the odd night I go up town. IMO our city centre isn't very safe for drunk women at night and I don't feel comfortable drinking as a result. I never make a big deal out of it and I'm just as involved sober but my friends have a real issue with it to the point I just don't go anymore because their attitude pisses me off.

I would message them and I also agree with a PP about getting other guests on board to back you up!

In my experience people who do this are usually pissheads/functional alcoholics themselves, but in denial about it. That's why they can't stand it when people stay sober in their company. It's because it forces them to examine their own behaviour, which they don't want to do.

If 5 days if is the longest you've managed in 4 attempts then I'm guessing you were a pretty heavy drinker. Perhaps it will just take a while for people to adjust? Someone not drinking in my circle would be unusual but wouldn't really be a big thing- maybe you need a different group?

Tell them it makes you ill, they'll think you're an alcoholic

What is it with people? A couple of friends from work wanted to have regular nights out - just us three. They both like a drink but I'm trying to cut back - the last time we went out it was a bottle of wine EACH! In the space of two hours with one particular friend trying to push more.

The next evening that was arranged I said I wouldn't be drinking due to mental health issues. I was effectively uninvited 😲 "oh but you're so funny when you're pissed" fuck. Off!

People who push drinks on others tend to be arseholes that need others to condone their over indulgent ways, I haven't drunk for 20 years and still get met by screwed up faces when I say I don't drink, I just fix them with a hard stare and repeat I don't drink, you will get hardened to it but sadly some people just can't wrap their tiny minds round it that not everyone wants to get shitfaced with.

Hadn't thought about the tone of the message vs. doing it in person - thanks for raising that.

I wasn't really a big drinker, I drank for the wrong reasons and I wasn't really enjoying it, plus it made my mental and physical health problems much worse. The previous failed attempts were all due to coming down with batshit crazy anxiety which I then self medicated with alcohol for. Hence why I've ended up doing this so the harder days correlated with a sunny bank holiday.

But I agree it may take a while for people to adjust.

I do, however, not want to cause a massive scene in front of others - which i almost did today (My best friend did jump in and make a comment that carrying two babies around whilst drinking wasn't a great idea).

I may skip tomorrow altogether.