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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bank Holidays, Barbecues and No Beer

46 replies

MightyMacaqueMonkey · 06/05/2018 18:40

I am pretty sure I am being reasonable with this... More a need for suggestions on how to handle it in the future.

We've just been at a close friend's birthday BBQ bash. I've recently stopped drinking (a combination of mental health reasons, general health reasons, wanting to TTC next year and because I actually have started to hate alcohol and the impacts on alcohol on the wider society). The latter reason is my personal view and isn't being rammed down anyone's throat.

I've found given up hard - I'm on attempt number four, day five; I've never lasted this long and almost didn't go to the birthday BBQ.

However, I went as my best friend has six month old twins and I knew she'd be more relaxed if I was there, they would be a distraction and she'd be able to enjoy a couple of drinks.

All fine, birthday friend was happy to see me, best friend was delighted to have some baby help, but, there is one mutual friend in our group who just would not let it go.

It was incessant. Talking about the fact I wasn't drinking, asking to get me a drink, bringing me drinks "with a little extra in", telling me that my "secret" was safe with them and coming up to me to ask me how many weeks along I was, telling me I was a party pooper etc. Just crap really.

I feel pissed off because they just wouldn't listen to me when I said No. I'm considering dropping them a Facebook message to say that I really didn't appreciate their constant comments and asking politely that we don't have a repeat of the situation tomorrow (we're out with the same people again).

Fair or a dickwad move?

OP posts:

ProudPearlClutcher · 06/05/2018 19:29

I think anyone who gets that invested in trying to convince another person to drink likely has an alcohol problem tbh

This^^

Huge well done to you for giving up op.

tiredybear · 06/05/2018 19:33

If skipping is what you need to do, then do it. But it would be a real shame to miss out on a nice day with friends because of one insensitive person.
I agree with you that making excuses isn't the way to go, it's a case of respecting your decision about what you do with your body, that has no impact on anyone else.
Another strategy for when you have to deal with this person again is just to ask them outright, preferably infront of others, why it is so important to them that you drink, and watch them squirm!

CocoaGin · 06/05/2018 19:38

I'm on medication for my BP and diabetes. Both advise not to consume alcohol and I find it makes me feel really crap the next day so I tend to mainly abstain.... I've never been a heavy drinker anyway.

But people just don't like it! We went to a NDN's christmas party where frankly the drinking was so out of hand for a bunch of over 50s it was pathetic, and we left in the end as I was clenching my teeth over being told "one won't hurt" and that I needed to "let go". I find the need to consume alcohol to unwind bizarre, I'm happy with a cup of tea thanks all the same.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/05/2018 19:39

First off, congratulations on making the decision that drinking is not right for you. It's a difficult one in our society and so many people feel we have to justify that decision to them or expect us to reveal information that perhaps we'd like to keep private.

It really pisses me off when 'friends' try to foist drinks on someone who is not drinking. Whether it's because they are the designated driver, a recovering alcoholic or if they just don't like the taste, it's rude, and in some cases cruel, to do so. The same with trying to force feed someone on a diet or (in my case) trying to get me to have 'just a little cake' (I'm Coeliac).

People like that are NOT friends and need to fuck right off!

dogletsrock · 06/05/2018 19:45

My husband is an alcoholic so neither of us now drink. One thing that works is to have a drink in your hand at all times. My husband has lemonade because he used to drink vodka and it does help as if anyone asks him he just says “ no I’ve got one, thanks.” You shouldn’t have too but some other people don’t understand. He is 5 1/2 months sober and it is hard won. Good luck and keep going. You are doing amazingly well.

DontOpenDeadInside · 06/05/2018 19:45

I've never liked alcohol. Been drunk maybe twice in my life. (37) Yet people will still buy me a drink and then be all offended when it goes to waste (the ice waters it down too much for them to drink) I'd much rather a cup of tea.

DragonMummy1418 · 06/05/2018 19:54

😮 that person is not a friend!
I would very quickly lose my temper with that sort of abusive, manipulative and ILLEGAL (drink spiking) behaviour!

Beautifulsunshine · 06/05/2018 19:55

It really annoys me too. I don’t drink, mainly because of the taste, but I always get nagged and people try to force drinks on you. I don’t like coffee and saying no thanks to one does not end up with constant nagging to have one so why alcohol?

Mischa123 · 06/05/2018 20:01

Ask your friend if she wants a cigarette (or she is a non smoker) or maybe a line of coke. She is trying to push drugs onto you. It pisses me off so much that people think you can't have a good time as a non drinker!

greenlavender · 06/05/2018 20:27

I hardly drink, not for any other reason than I don't like feeling grotty on the next day, it's easier to drive home & when I do drink I prefer to chose what I drink and enjoy it. I also find I eat too much when I drink too much. But people never give up, they treat me as someone a little odd & I think much less of them for being so shallow & for placing so much emphasis on alcohol. I have also seen the effects of alcoholism on too many people at work & I hate that.

llangennith · 06/05/2018 21:05

I have to drive wherever I go so I don’t drink alcohol at social occasions unless I can walk home.
Rarely gets commented on but on the rare occasion someone (usually a drunk person🙄) says “go on, have a glass of wine’ I find a loud “Nope” works a treat. Sometimes I have to look them in the eye and repeat it. Doesn’t happen often.

hystericaluterus · 06/05/2018 21:43

OP, sorry you had to go through that! It’s extremely grating.

I have said it before and I say it again: the attitude to alcohol in this country is completely bewildering to me.

Tbh, blaming the pressures to drink on some people who want to justify their own problematic relationship to drink is not addressing the pervasive cultural idea that in order to be fun or sociable you need to drink.

Not drinking can have huge implications on somebody’s career, particularly in city jobs, because most of the bonding and networking happens over drink.

Even pregnant women get pressured into drinking (I don’t have per se an issue with pregnant women drinking, though I personally would not) but I have repeatedly witnessed how women who say no to drink because they are pregnant and don’t want to are given a hard time. baffling!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/05/2018 21:49

In my experience people who do this are usually pissheads/functional alcoholics themselves, but in denial about it. That's why they can't stand it when people stay sober in their company. It's because it forces them to examine their own behaviour, which they don't want to do.

Yes . I have cut down and it’s so hard around people

Agree

allthegoodnameshadgone · 06/05/2018 22:34

Agree. I go through fits and starts with alcohol. Usually to do with slimming world and how many syns I have spare.

But whatever the reason. If your not drinking your not drinking.

Today we've had a bbq and a couple of people saying beforehand not drinking.

Just got some posh squash in to be honest. We had a Bbq yesterday. Everyone drank. Today only me really as I never yesterday. Was just too hot yesterday.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 06/05/2018 22:37

Good for you though op. Peer pressure is shit. Though you'll often find those who love you will not be bothered either way.

Titsywoo · 06/05/2018 22:53

I don't know hysterical, my dh works in the city and networks and socialises with the best of them and he never drinks. He's confident and interesting enough to get away with it I guess

MollyHuaCha · 07/05/2018 07:00

He's confident and interesting enough to get away with it.

Ha, I like this line. You could try this, OP:

"Here, have this drink. One small glass won't hurt you."

"Thabks, but no thanks, I'm confident and interesting enough without it."

crikeycrumbsblimey · 07/05/2018 07:05

Try the attitude of finding them boring rather than annoying. Some people like winding others up and want a rise out of them, finding it boring means they haven’t got it. “Not this again”, “this was boring at the bbq and it’s boring now”, “that is the fifth time you have mentioned that since we got here and it’s tedious”. If they like to think they are party central being told they are boring is the worst thing. I would also say you nearly didn’t come because you knew they would start banging on about it and it’s boting.

More and more people don’t drink and i think it will continue increasing as less young people both to get into it. Good on you making the right decision for you x

LoopyLou1981 · 07/05/2018 07:57

I’ve given up drinking at various times for different reasons. 6 months because I was training for a sporting event, 9 months for each of my kids and a few months here and there for weightloss or because I felt my body needed a break.
People could do more to praise and encourage me for the first two reasons and some couldn’t do more to try and sabotage the second two. Some people are just strange. I have no idea why it’s sport to try and see someone fail.
Good for you giving up though. I bet you’ll feel amazing for it x

frieda909 · 07/05/2018 08:14

My ex and I went to his brother’s 40th birthday party the day after a huuuuge fight about my ex’s excessive drinking, and so we both decided we wouldn’t drink at the party. I could not believe the amount of crap we both got for it! One arsehole friend in particular was absolutely relentless, even going as far as to say we were ‘ruining’ BIL’s birthday party by not drinking and asking us ‘how would you feel if he came to your 40th and didn’t drink?’ It was utterly bizarre and very eye-opening!

Ticketsfrom · 07/05/2018 08:20

I didn’t drink for 6 months and it ReALLY bothered some friends, I still went out to the pub etc but just drank AF beer. Some people hate the idea hat you’ll be sober and judgy when they’re drunk but the reality is it made little difference to me, I still had a laugh, I didn’t care what other people did or drank, it’s not like I was counting their drinks or anything. Like most humans i’m Pretty self absorbed and paid little attention to other people’s drinking! If it happens again with this friend that’s when I would have a word with them. Trying to spike your drink is not on. What an idiot. And of course you realise ultimately this isn’t about you it’s about them and their relationship with alcohol. Good luck with it. I told everyone I was on a bit of a fitness kick, and I felt amazing for those 6 months and now drink in moderation- special occasions only kind of thing and not more that 2-3 drinks at a time so he time not drinking really helped me with that.

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