To ask you what small changes

[LRH1983]

...have made a big positive impact on your life?

I feel a bit like I'm treading water quite inelegantly at the moment. Work is tough, my son is going through a really tricky, wilful, sleepless phase (he's 18 months old), I have no social life to speak of, no partner, and am constantly exhausted, so when I do get time off (I get a night here and there and 2-3 hour slots once or twice a week) all I want to do is sleep. My skin is shit, my diet is terrible even though I love cooking and eating well, I rarely make time to go to the gym (I used to love running but still haven't got round to seeing a physio to address the issues with my pelvic floor following a difficult birth, so I can't run without weeing ), my flat is lovely but it feels like an uphill battle to keep it clean...

AIBU to think there must be small changes or things I can do which would make a big improvement to my overall quality of life? Practical things, small acts of self-care, fun stuff, exercise hacks....I am open to ANY suggestions. I love my son and I love being a mum, and I am not depressed... but life feels like an uphill struggle at the moment.

You have so much on I can only sympathise. Would it help to make a list of all the stuff you would like to change, prioritise it and then make the small change? When you are tired its difficult to think. By 18 months your little one should be sleeping through and maybe you need some help with this. Toddlers who sleep badly are more likely to play up more.
This takes time and effort which may be in short supply, but it does become a vicious circle if you let it run. You need some support, friends family. Its tough trying to do it all

I go to a mum and toddler excercise class, and they focus on pelvic floors and cores a lot. It’s realky helped, plus I don’t have to get a babysitter to go (the kids can join in). It’s been a massive help. Plus it’s good to talk to other mums.
My other big help has been getting a Fitbit and walking with the buggy every day. I also got a clip on cup holder so I take a bottle of water with me. Drinking more water has really helped my skin - that and The Ordinary skincare range (thanks to mumsnet for the recommendation!).

Thank you.

Yes a list is a good idea, I'll start there!

My son has always been a bad sleeper, he was doing better for a while a couple of months ago but regression hit and came with insane clinginess and now I can no longer even put him down awake. I'm so tired all the time that doing it the easy way always seems like...well, the easy way, but I know I am just making things worse. He is deep into tantrums and hitting me frequently. I still bf once or twice a day and have been trying to drop that but again, struggling to do so.

Urgh, I'm just a bit of a mess!

Coastal, I am working at the mo so I spend most of my day just sat at a desk (my son is in full time child care, I drop him off at 8:30, work 9-5, pick him up, take him home for a play, dinner and bedtime). You have an excellent point about water, though. I used to drink absolutely loads, but after I gave birth and had bad stress incontinence, I didn't dare drink more than the bare minimum if I was going to be out and about, so I got out of the habit. Now I hardly drink any. That is one small change I can easily make, first on my list! Thank you :)

Could you go for a walk instead of running? It’s almost as good in terms of fitness, and if you can get out in a green space (park if you are a city dweller) it’ll make you feel even better.
How about some sort of weekly treat - breakfast out? When DD was small I used to take her out to eat when I’d picked her up from nursery one night a week. Early on it was often fast food, but the habit was good, she enjoyed it, it gave a bit of focus to a random day.

How do you feel about a gratitude journal or a list of what you've achieved that day? It is so easy to focus on the negative when you have small people - and you are doing it alone! Just from your post, I would say:

regression hit and came with insane clinginess and now I can no longer even put him down awake
You are nurturing him and giving him the closeness and comfort he needs to move through this phase

I still bf once or twice a day and have been trying to drop that but again, struggling to do so.
You are fulfilling his needs right now and will be able to move on to dropping a feed when the time is right

my flat is lovely but it feels like an uphill battle to keep it clean...
your flat is lovely. housework with children is like shovelling snow in a blizzard! You are doing it, keep going!

when I do get time off (I get a night here and there and 2-3 hour slots once or twice a week) all I want to do is sleep.
Sleep is good for you. Don't attach guilt to that.

Work is tough
But you're employed! Could be worse

Seriously - I think there are probably small changes you can work on to get the balance back, but first and foremost you must be kind to yourself and appreciate all the hard work and effort you are putting in to what you ARE achieving.

Here are some to start you off.

This was me not so long ago. The biggest change I made was going on a Nootropics regimen. (Not US sourced basically amphetamines but UK based genuine herbs.) I'd got myself into a state of being so busy and pulled in every direction I was snatching sleep here and there, day and night, got done most of what was needed but always felt tired. They've helped immensely to regulate back to a proper sleep, (6-7 hours some nights, 4 hours others I'm still busy!) But it is proper rest and no tiredness during the day. I kind of fell into them because I knew I had to do something.

A bullet journal has really helped too. As has taking parts of Marie Kondo's system relating to things sparking joy.

Good luck.

I can really relate with a lot of what you said. I had really good skin before I had DS (nearly 2) but thanks to sleep deprivation/stress/forgetting to drink any liquid it was awful and it was really getting me down. Do you have a skin care regime? I didn't, but realised something had to change and I can't control a lot of the factors in my life at the moment, so I chose skin care! I now cleanse, tone and moisturise every night and use a facial wash and exfoliate twice a week. I've been doing it for two months now, give or take a night, and my skin looks lots better so I don't feel so shit about myself!

Also, I've made a conscious effort to hit at least five portions of fruit and veg a day and now I average 7/8 and it's made a huge difference to my energy levels and probably my skin as well.

Regarding sleeping, is he in a cotbed or a 'big boy' bed? My DS has periods of sleeping so badly I could cry and the only thing that saved me was buying him a proper single bed so on bad nights I end up in with him. He never comes in our bed so I don't feel like I'm breaking good habits or whatever and I keep the bedtime routine the same, but even if I sleep with him from midnight till wake up time, we are at least both still asleep!

nosquirrels you made me cry! Thank you. I feel constantly like I'm failing but I suppose I'm not doing too bad a job. My son is fed and loved and securely housed, bright and bubbly and cheeky and funny and naughty. So I know we are really very lucky.

Cardi walking is a good start but I find that, for exercise to have any real impact on me, it needs to be quite high intensity. When I was really fit, for example, I alternated long steady runs (20k+) with sprint training on a treadmill, boxing, and lots of weights-based stuff in the gym. I have gained half a stone since Christmas, feel soft and squashy and like none of my clothes really fit. It's crap.

Actually that is another idea- if anyone has any suggestions for good, versatile, flattering, capsule wardrobe items, I think that would help. I constantly look a bit haphazard, and see all these beautiful, effortlessly elegant women everywhere, and wonder where I am going wrong! other than constantly being smeared in banana or snot, of course

Can I just say as well, I was really resistant to the skin care thing and I have no idea why. I was convinced I wouldn't have enough time, but it takes two minutes and if I think he is going to have a bad night where I might only get half an hour between putting him down and the first wake up, I do it while he's in the bath.

Pelvic floor exercises can be done unobtrusively anywhere, including at home, when doing other things, like washing up.
The small changes that helped me were: buying a nutribullet (well, Lidl cheap version) and having loads of raw vegetables, whole grains, nuts, whatever for breakfast every morning. I would never have sat there chomping my way through that amount of healthy stuff, plus hardly ever had time for breakfast; so two in one there.
I also started to drink more water and swapped my incessant brown tea drinking for green or mint teas after my necessary morning pot, anyway!
I take extra vitamins and try to walk a bit at lunch breaks.
I make sure I have at least one outing per month, even if it is just out to the woods or cinema, etc. I am disabled and tire quickly, so I have less opportunities to go out easily, so I also have a TV subscription to see films or binge watch stuff, plus have tea parties at home, or pot luck suppers, so friends come to me, and it doesn't cost a fortune.
I began writing, just random things, bits of fiction and poems and also make inexpensive miniature items for my dolls houses, so I could do something creative.(and cheap)

Oh god the wardrobe thing! I spent 18months in dirty jeans and jumpers I also don't really have spare money to spend on clothes for me and can't fit in to my pre baby ones

Again, something I was really resistant to was shopping for myself on eBay, but as long as I stay selective ad don't get over excited, I can pick up some ok bits on there. I've had some good bits and pieces to try and look a bit less dowdy and, well , shit. Could you do that?

Easy ways of keeping on top of cleaning - eg I do the bathroom on a Saturday morning while I leave my face mask on for 20 min. And I clean the kitchen on a weeknight when I’m cooking s casserole, as I’m in the kitchen anyway. Saves having to set time aside for a while cleaning routine.

1. Make that physio appointment and do the exercises.
2. Make yourself look after your skin for 2 minutes a day. You are worth it.
3. Do a meal plan each week/ month and a regular online delivery. Choose healthy meals that can be prepared in less than 10 minutes.
4. Have one interest at least away from baby and home. Take the time and feel no guilt.
5. When you have the energy look at the sleep issues and work on improving this. Involve your partner.
6. Either look at ways of doing house stuff as you go along, have a schedule of sorts or find the money for a cleaner. Ensure partner does equal amount.
7. Once you are more rested try the gym but no guilt if you don’t make it there.
8. Wardrobe, look at someone who’s style you like and might work for you and copy their look. Keep it easy and simple. Ask a friend if you are unsure what suits you.

Sorry to keep butting in, but the exercise thing... I wasn't doing any either. I bought myself a Fitbit (again from eBay) and if I'm walking with my son in the sling my active minutes sky rocket. I know you want high impact, but could doing that be a way of fitting it in? You're exercising in a meaningful way, doing something nice with your DS and being outside is good for your skin and mental health too!

I would look at giving up breastfeeding. Being woken frequently is exhausting and once he understands there's no milk he should sleep a lot better. My children woke so frequently for feeds at that age but once they knew there was no milk they slept through, or woke once to come into bed with me. It's difficult, particularly when you work, as you want that bond, but once he's sleeping better, you'll feel a million times better.

When my kids were that age we co -slept.
They would fall asleep downstairs or I would go up with them.
I was usually asleep by 9pm., so even by 6am I had 9 hours sleep.
I have never been sleep deprived as a parent.

I also didn't work.

While exercise is great for our mental health too our bodies won't fall apart if we don't exercise for a couple of years.

I had two toddlers, no family support and my OH often worked abroad or long hours.
So I had no space for exercise.

But that can be picked up again at any time.

Is it possible to fit in a swim? I find it fantastic for clearing my head - almost like meditation - and could help with the pelvic floor?

getting out in the fresh air. This is something you can even do with your son. Ideally in nature (local park not pounding the pavements). Take time to appreciate what you can see and feel. No phone (turn it off and don't peek). Aim to cook one good meal a week, ideally batch cook something so you have enough for 4 meals and freeze 2 portions for next week. You have lots of home cooked meals from only cooking once a week.

Lack of sleep and disturbed sleep makes everything a struggle. I’d really try to prioritise that.

Then diet. As pp poster said, try to include 5-6 portions of fruit and veg a day. Hopefully that will replace some of the bad stuff you don’t need.

Don’t dismiss walking because it has little impact. It’s so good for your mental wellbeing as well as physical. Take your ds out in nature as often as possible and walk. Try to be present and take note of your surroundings. Point things out to your ds and hopefully, you’ll both benefit from it.

capsule wardrobe- all of these can be adapted to your individual style and budget:
great fitting jeans, a well fitted blazer, boots with a low heel, midi summer dress or skirt, a couple of plain t shirts that fit well or are of the off the shoulder/ slightly sloppy style (will depend on what you like). A lovely thin jumper either plain or i've seen some with great print on bloggers- not really my style but they perk an outfit up instantly.

just seen looks like you work full time. In that case use your lunch hour to really chill. Either walk in nature (if that's an option) or learn to meditate. I've meditated everywhere, you just need to make sure you're not actually sat at your desk where someone may ask you a question (even though your eyes are closed!) . Staff room has always been fine for me or outside if it's warm enough. You can learn online following free tutorials. It made a massive difference to me when I was highly stressed. You need at least 10 minutes, ideally 15 or even 20 and try to do it daily.

I agree with the PP who say walking is a good thing. It is good for you mentally and places far less stress on the body than running. Carrying a rucksack with a picnic in turns it into a weights workout for you.

It is also a good opportunity to tire out your DS and help him sleep better and be calmer all round. I'm assuming he is walking and working on moving to running? Perfect for wearing him out at the park. At that age he will have energy to burn and should just crash at the end of the day . Maybe take a ball/collect sticks or leaves/build fairy houses/ anything which keeps him interested and on the go as much as possible.

What about

a long walk with the buggy once per week

Excersize video once per week

Start small with food; maybe increasing water, fruit and veg initially

Bath and a face mask once per week

THANK YOU everyone for all the support, suggestions and solidarity! Sorry I went MIA, my son woke up from his nap and I'm only just sitting down to have a bit of a break :). I don't like to use my phone in front of him, it's a big rule of mine.

I have a list of 5 prioritised small changes and I'm really excited to start making them.

1- drink more water. Absolutely crucial. 1 big glass in the morning, 1 before lunch, 1 in the afternoon and 1 before bed. Anything more than that is a plus

2- eat less sugar, drink less caffeine. I eat a LOT of sugar and crap and drink far too much coffee. I have been very lucky and not gained anywhere near as much weight as i should have done, but it's starting to creep on. If is unrealistic to think i will be able to stop snacking but the junk needs to be replaced by nuts, vegetables, and other healthy things, and some of the coffee needs to go.

1. I will make sure I take off all my make up every night, cleanse my skin and get myself a decent moisturiser as opposed to using the baby moisturiser I bought when my son was born, as well as making sure my teeth are properly flossed.

1. I will make sure I get out for at the very least a decent, brisk walk every day. Even if it's just 15 minutes.

1. Every single day I will take 10 minutes to sit alone, close my eyes, focus on my breathing and think about all good things I have in my life. It sounds super trite but I think it will make a real difference.

I will also be investing in some new clothes. I keep putting it off, thinking I'll buy new clothes when I've lost some weight. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Having properly fitting clothes which suit my shape will make me feel better about myself and it's such an easy fix.

You are all awesome and kind, thank you for taking the time to help me.