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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my Mum working at DS's new school?

40 replies

ImSoExhausted · 05/05/2018 17:26

Bit of backstory:

• DS1 is age 4 and severely Autistic, we've finally found a school that fits his needs

• I've spent months researching schools, chasing his EHCP from the local council and generally making sure we fought for a school that is right for him

• My mum used to be an LSA in a mainstream school. She has admitted she finds 'down syndrome children difficult to deal with', and honestly, has a pretty awful attitude towards SEN children in my opinion

• She left her LSA job for various reasons, family and the idea of starting her own business in a field she had no experience in, this hasn't worked out, yet she's in complete denial about it

• She can't handle having DS even for an afternoon, we never ask her to because we know she can't manage as she's stated it often enough

• She's constantly moaning that DS doesn't say 'Nanny' (he only recently said Mummy and Daddy)

• Any activity we find for DS somehow becomes her idea. If we tell her we've found a new playground, she's immediately going out with her friend in the car to 'find it properly'. Even though we knew where it was to begin with

This brings me to his new school. We found a brand new special needs school, made the mistake of telling her about it. Next thing you know she's ringing me saying she has 'found the building and it looks great etc'. She then takes it upon herself to ring the school asking for details, even though I've already spoken to the headteacher and gotten all the information I needed.

She invited herself to the open day, when we were being shown round, the headteacher asked how we found out about the school. My mum immediately jumps in with, 'Well I found you actually.' I then just said that it had been me that had found out about the new school opening through internet research, Mum then says, 'Well it was me who physically found it.' by this point I just kept my mouth shut and continued the tour.

At the end, the headteacher asks if we had any questions, myself and DH ask for advice about naming the school on the EHCP and my Mum decides to ask if there's any jobs going for a TA?! I didn't say anything, because I was so taken aback.

I'd hate the idea of her working in my son's school. It'd mean her thinking she has the inside information on everything. Its like she's desperate to feel important and superior. Yet when it comes to the real issues, she's not interested. Am IBU to ask her to not apply? How would I even go about asking her that??

OP posts:

Jessica78 · 05/05/2018 17:31

You could say that DC needs to start building their independence & that it's really important he is allowed to do that.

YANBU x

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2018 17:33

Do you honestly think she would listen to you?

And HTs at those sorts of schools are usually pretty particular (ime) with who they employ. Somehow I don't think your mother would fit the bill.

SunshineAfterRain · 05/05/2018 17:36

Did you not feel you could say to her you only wanted you and dp at the open day?

I would be honest and say you feel it would be intrusive on your child's schooling. Plus your child may be confused at the situation of gran working in school. He may then expect that at high school etc.
If she perused this let the school know you are uncomfortable if your mother was to work with your ds.
And from now on be picky at all the information you give her.

Original poster

ImSoExhausted · 05/05/2018 17:39

@Jessica78 I did think of that, problem is, DS doesn't really know who she is. He barely registers me and DH as people of importance, so it wouldn't really matter to him if she was there or not.

And @Nanny0gg she probably wouldn't listen to me.

Or, she'd apply, get rejected then deny applying and tell everyone who'd listen that she, 'didnt apply to her dream job because her daughter didn't want her to.'

OP posts:

HolyMountain · 05/05/2018 17:41

Are there jobs going at the school?

I can imagine the Head clocked thd behaviour of your Mum and the tension between you on the tour of the school if I’m reading thd thread right.

Singlenotsingle · 05/05/2018 17:42

If she puts in an application have a quiet word with the Head Teacher and exlain your concerns

HolyMountain · 05/05/2018 17:42

*the

Original poster

ImSoExhausted · 05/05/2018 17:43

@SunshineAfterRain she honestly rang me up and told me she'd re-arranged a hospital appointment so she could go with us. I didn't tell her the date, she actually rang the school herself to get more information and they had mentioned the open day.

I don't know what to do. If it was any other adult involved in my son's life and they wanted a job, I wouldn't think twice about encouraging them. With my mum, it seems like she has ulterior motives. I can't understand why it's this school she wants a job at all of a sudden. I think it's just so she can feel superior to me by knowing 'school secrets' and the likes...

OP posts:

Original poster

ImSoExhausted · 05/05/2018 17:44

@HolyMountain it's a brand new school, so there's definitely jobs available. Each child has a personal 1:1 so there's plenty of opportunity for LSA work :(

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 05/05/2018 17:47

My DS has severe autism - 10 yrs old and cannot talk. He is at a wonderful specialist school, and I - and other parents - have found that if we go in to the school and our DC see us, it can completely confuse them: whenever my DS has seen me, whether i'm there for teacher-parent meetings, or to watch him swim, or the other week, to join in special activities - all he thinks i'm there for is to take him home: he spends the whole time making noises and trying to take me to the door so we can leave! I think it would be a very bad idea for your DM to be at the school, especially as it seems she has no patience with children with additional needs. Put your son first, and if necessary, tell the headteacher of your concerns.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/05/2018 17:50

God good she sounds awful. On just the title I was going to say you were being unreasonable but after reading the thread I really don’t think you are. I don’t think it would be fair to any of the children in the school. I would consider having a word to the head tbh.

Doyoumind · 05/05/2018 17:51

Sounds like a narcissist.

Unless she comes across incredibly well in interviews, I wouldn't worry too much, as chances are she won't get a job there. No harm in having a word with the head teacher though.

Gottagetmoving · 05/05/2018 17:51

You really do need to stop telling your mother anything!
If this is what she is like then I doubt she will change so keep her in the dark about anything you think she could interfere in.

SunshineAfterRain · 05/05/2018 17:52

It horrible that you dm has no respect for your boundaries.
I would defiantly discuss your fears with the head teacher. You want your ds to find his school transition as easy as possible and your dm's presence may confuse him.

incywincybitofa · 05/05/2018 17:58

I agree that almost any head will have clocked your mum's needs, and it does sound like she has a need to be core to your functioning life. I doubt she will get very far in her application.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 05/05/2018 18:02

Honestly I would ring the head and say you think your mother was serious about applying for a job but in case she was I would use the above issues as the basis for your concerns. We have had the very same issues as above at DS’ school. It could be extremely confusing for your DS.

gingergenius · 05/05/2018 18:02

Sen LSAs are very highly trained and have experience and qualifications. She, by the sounds of it, has neither. I'd not worry if I were you. It's probable that even if she did get a job (unlikely) she wouldn't be allowed to work with her grandchild because it would be confusing. Let the universe look after this one for you

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 05/05/2018 18:02

*you don’t think your mother was serious

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/05/2018 18:05

I don't think you should ask your mum not to apply OP. I doubt she would take the slightest bit of notice and may find a way of using it against you in the future. She has already brought herself to the HT's attention and by the sounds of it, not in a good way so while she may apply, there's no guarantee that she would get the job.

Well done on finding a suitable school for your DS. I hope he is very happy there.

gryffen · 05/05/2018 18:06

Quite honestly and imho I would contact the HT and get a meeting set up with concerns and evidence.

My mum was a teacher for 40yrs at same school and she had several parents try and come into her class as students when their kids where in her class and she blocked each one saying it would be detrimental to their learning and social skills as they would under watch and not feel like their classroom was a safe place.

You defo need to speak up and say that she isn't suited to working with SEN kids and you want her on the no information list when it comes to your son as they have duty of care and information is for you and partner alone - I truly believe that her influence would cause too many bumps in road and that's not supportive of you or your wee man.

I thought my MIL was bad but yours takes the biscuit.

G1ngerpig · 05/05/2018 18:07

I would tell the HT. Make it clear you're not being vindictive but that your mum has a history of doing this sort of thing, which she has chosen to do instead of fostering a relationship with her grandchild.

Lougle · 05/05/2018 18:10

Special school parent and ex-governor here. Firstly, you don't need to worry, because confidentiality is King at special schools. Secondly, it is totally normal for children at special schools to react badly to parents/relatives being at school and school events. I used to have to hide from DD1 at the Xmas Fayre until she was in year 4 or 5, or she'd have a melt down and expect to come home with me. The number of times I'd run up one corridor, down another, across a third, etc., while the school secretary was urgently saying "she's on her way to X now!!!" because I was at school for a meeting... I've lost count.

Thirdly, this is simple to solve. You contact the HT and gently express your concern. Simply tell them that your Mum struggles to accept your DS's SEN and finds it hard to cope with his communication difficulties, especially that he won't address her with her preferred name. Then say that whilst you know that it is completely the HT's decision who will be employed there, could you have assurance that they do not place children with relatives in class settings, as you feel that would be unhelpful for your DS. The HT will tell you that of course it would be quite unusual to put a child in a relative's class.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/05/2018 18:10

If she wouldn't listen to you anyway, don't ask her not to apply.

However, I might contact the Head and state that while you aren't sure if your mother has applied for a job at the school, if she is hired, will it be possible for you to request she has no direct contact with DS's education and would like to know if it will be possible for them to ensure she doesn't get to access information on him, and class teachers are told not to share any confidential information with her. Be vague about her being 'set in her ways' about children with additional needs... That alone should set alarm bells ringing with the head, and at least if she is hired, you've said in advance you don't want her having info on DS.

Knittedfairies · 05/05/2018 18:12

Don’t forget that just because she wants a job at the school, it doesn’t automatically follow that she’ll get one. She’ll have to apply and if short-listed, have an interview. References will be taken up, and it will be her school experience that interests the panel, not necessarily starting her own business. I don’t think you can ask her not to apply. If she does and isn’t selected for interview, it doesn’t really matter if she tells everybody she didn’t apply - she won’t be there, that’s what matters.

gingergenius · 05/05/2018 18:16

Please don't forget that schools ask for references prior to interview. She has none (that we've heard) that can be offered. She just won't be offered an interview. Good sen support cannot be fudged by schools so they will absolutely choose qualified individuals, which your mum, from your op, clearly isn't.

Don't get in touch with the HT. no need.

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