AIBU to not want my Mum working at DS's new school?

[ImSoExhausted]

Bit of backstory:

• DS1 is age 4 and severely Autistic, we've finally found a school that fits his needs

• I've spent months researching schools, chasing his EHCP from the local council and generally making sure we fought for a school that is right for him

• My mum used to be an LSA in a mainstream school. She has admitted she finds 'down syndrome children difficult to deal with', and honestly, has a pretty awful attitude towards SEN children in my opinion

• She left her LSA job for various reasons, family and the idea of starting her own business in a field she had no experience in, this hasn't worked out, yet she's in complete denial about it

• She can't handle having DS even for an afternoon, we never ask her to because we know she can't manage as she's stated it often enough

• She's constantly moaning that DS doesn't say 'Nanny' (he only recently said Mummy and Daddy)

• Any activity we find for DS somehow becomes her idea. If we tell her we've found a new playground, she's immediately going out with her friend in the car to 'find it properly'. Even though we knew where it was to begin with

This brings me to his new school. We found a brand new special needs school, made the mistake of telling her about it. Next thing you know she's ringing me saying she has 'found the building and it looks great etc'. She then takes it upon herself to ring the school asking for details, even though I've already spoken to the headteacher and gotten all the information I needed.

She invited herself to the open day, when we were being shown round, the headteacher asked how we found out about the school. My mum immediately jumps in with, 'Well I found you actually.' I then just said that it had been me that had found out about the new school opening through internet research, Mum then says, 'Well it was me who physically found it.' by this point I just kept my mouth shut and continued the tour.

At the end, the headteacher asks if we had any questions, myself and DH ask for advice about naming the school on the EHCP and my Mum decides to ask if there's any jobs going for a TA?! I didn't say anything, because I was so taken aback.

I'd hate the idea of her working in my son's school. It'd mean her thinking she has the inside information on everything. Its like she's desperate to feel important and superior. Yet when it comes to the real issues, she's not interested. Am IBU to ask her to not apply? How would I even go about asking her that??

is it possible to play her at her own game without it upsetting your DS ?
YOU , mum i think it is a good idea you working at DS school , I did not know you had all the right qualifications ! (handing her a leaflet / list of what qual's are needed )
MUM . . . . yes I do . .
YOU ooh can you help me and DS with . . . . problem

MUM yes ( and fails ) or no and proves she can not do the job of looking after a child she knows , let alone a strangers child

I would immediately arrange a meeting with the head of the school. Be honest about your mother and tell them everything you've told us. Say how sorry you are about having to come to them with this personal issue, but in the best interests of your child, and in fact ALL of the children who attend, you felt you had no choice but to speak up.

You poor thing. She’s a real piece of work. I agree with everyone else about having a quiet word with the HT.

I second what Coffee suggests. Contact the head and put your concerns politely and vaguely- including the “set in her ways “ comment and the confusion for your son may experience seeing his grandma in a school role , so please don’t let her work in the same class.
The head will read between the lines if they haven’t already.
Don’t speak to your mum, it would cause too many complicated excuses and problems for you. You would be always in the wrong or worse, it may encourage her to apply because, as you know, she knows better than you 🤔

Thank you everyone, I really did think I might have been overreacting, but it seems not!

It does confuse me as to why she wants a job there, since she openly admits to not coping with DS and being 'too old' to chase after him (she's in her 50's and in perfect health).

I think she has a desperate need to be praised by others. She had both DS's overnight for the first time in a year the other night. But she didn't really, if that makes sense? We gave them their dinner, bathed them at her house, spent two hours settling them to sleep. Left her house at 9pm, both boys slept through the night and woke at 7am. We were there to pick them up by 7:30am. The way she went on about it though, you'd think she'd had them all day! She literally had half an hour's interaction with them.

gingergenius

Sen LSAs are very highly trained and have experience and qualifications

You’d like to think so but unfortunately that’s not always the case. I’m an SEN LSA and I have no qualifications, no training and no interest in working with SEN children.
I was employed as a TA but you get put where you’re put.
LSAs are in high demand and not enough people to do the job.

Absolutely agree with you OP. I would be royally pissed off. She has no business trying to root herself into your son's school life like this. How intrusive.

Reminds me a bit of when I worked in a civil service job some years back, my fucking COUSIN decided to apply for a job in MY office, next to ME. I did not want my family life/private life spilling over into my work life/professional life, and I was actually steaming I'm not gonna lie!

She would have been in the same office as me. (12 of us worked in the big open plan office, and she would have been 3-4 desks/cubicles away.)

I did actually talk to my boss and said if she gets the job I will leave. It may sound extreme or manipulative etc, but I meant it. I would not have stayed. I said 'why are you applying at MY workplace, in my office?' to her, and she said 'because it's ideal; 3 days a week, £10 an hour (double what she was on!) and easy work; filing and typing and admin.'

I told her it maybe awkward, and 'too familiar,' but she disagreed, saying it will be 'fun.' She said 'I can't wait to get to know your workmates... with a huge grin ...

I got on OK with her, but JEEEZUS I didn't want her working in my office!

Anyway, my manager said she won't get it anyway, as she doesn't have the right experience, skills, or office qualifications.... (she was working in a shop.) So I didn't need to worry. She didn't get it. Thank FUCK!

As has been said OP, go talk to the head and explain your concerns.....

Also, she is actually a Level 3 LSA and has worked with SEN children. The problem is that I know everything about every child she's worked with.
Even when I was younger, she'd tell me everything about her day/what child she was with/what issues they had and how she thought it could be sorted out. That's what worries me, I've personally seen and heard her distate for SEN children, yet she still thinks she's more experienced than me when it comes to ASD.

On a rant now, but when DS was 9 months old I told her I thought he was autistic. Me and DH kept up with that concern, spoke to health visitors and GP's etc. Then, when DS was about 12 months old. My mum made this huge issue about needing to see me after spending an afternoon with him. She then proceeds to tearfully tell me that she thinks DS is Autistic and we should speak to a HV. I was honestly speechless. I just told her that we'd been telling her that for months, she talked over the top of me and listed why SHE was worried. It was bizarre.

@hug so you are a SEN LSA and work with them but are not actually interested in their lives? Career change maybe?

I'm still reading but I like the idea from @Jessica78 "You could say that DC needs to start building their independence & that it's really important he is allowed to do that."

The reason I like this idea is because it will make her feel important and get your point across!

I’m hoping to go back to being a TA- the job I was employed to do and I love doing.

OP, your Mother sounds like she has a lot of experience but I can definitely see why you don’t want her in your DS school. She’ll know everything before you and that would drive me mad!

sofie It’s not that I’m not interested my 1:1’s life, he’s a great little boy and really sweet.
I just feel out of my depth and SEN children really deserve to have someone who’s whole-heartedly interested in working with special needs. It’s a whole different skill level from working with NT children who need a bit of extra help in the classroom which is what I used to do.

@HugMeBringItIn new jobs advertised are not the same as being promoted from within. I have qualifications but school generally prefer to promote and train internally. In my experience at least.

@HugMeBringItIn I'm very surprised your school has not invested in sen training for you. And why haven't you asked, if you feel out of your depth?

Yes I’ve said I’ve not a clue what I’m doing and I’ve asked for help with various issues and I’ve asked to not have the same role next term but you’re basically expected to just get on with it and do the best you can which is what I do and I ask my more experienced colleagues for advice a lot.

So many more children are being diagnosed with conditions that warrant a 1:1 and there aren’t enough of us to go round.
LSAs with a wealth of experience and a genuine love of the role just don’t appear to be very abundant.
A few of us at my school would rather be TAs but we can only express preference and not choose what we do.