AIBU to think my mother should at least fake to give more of a fuck?

[Lolipop123]

Name changed for this.

My mother is getting married right now, and I am not at the wedding because I was barely invited. I live abroad and it was casually announced to me that she was getting married to her brand new boyfriend (pretty sure he is scamming her for papers but that's a whole other thread) and that "if I could make it great if not well whatever".

It's her wedding so she can get married whenever but I feel she picked a date she knew would be very inconvenient to me as I have a big trip planned in 2 weeks time (which she knew about as it's with her mother to celebrate an important milestone) so getting extra time off + extra money to go home this weekend would have been difficult but also made sure to give me the most minimal notice for it as if to make it even more difficult for me to attend.

To be fair, due to the circumstances I probably could have gotten the time off to go and managed to find the money but am I unreasonable to be hurt that my mother acted like she couldn't give a flying fuck whether I was there or not to the, supposedly, most important day of her life? (and therefore being unwilling to spend a few hundreds to travel abroad for a day and half to a wedding I was barely invited to?)

To give a bit of background, I have moved out and abroad at age 16 and have since never received any kind of financial (or emotional) support at all from my mother. She has visited once when I was 16 and never since then and she won't talk to me or email me asking me how I am if I don't email her (I once stopped emailing to see how long it would take her to email me and ask me how I am and I didn't hear from her for over 6 months and even then it was actually me emailing again to hear from her).

I don't know, I just feel like she just couldn't care less about me and it makes me even more sad/hurt because I am also NC with my father (for different reasons) so it does feel like I have no family support (even though they are both well alive).

I don't expect any kind of handout from my mother by the way, but a bit of emotional support and consideration would be nice. Had she even just offered to participate to the flights cost for me to come to the wedding as she "really wanted me to attend" (which she can afford and I would have refused) I would have at least been made to feel like she genuinely cared about me being there and probably would have found a way to attend but she barely even asked me if I was coming after all after her initially annoucement as she simply assumed I would not make it.

So am I being unreasonable to consider going no contact over her visibly not giving a fuck about me being in her life (she may genuinely not even notice me going NC) or am I being oversensitive? it's the last one of a long list of things where she has made me feel I don't matter and it's starting to be much more than I can handle. (fully ready to hear I am being unreasonable and entitled though.)

Difficult to comment without context. It's not the actions of a normal 16yo to up sticks and go aboard. I'm assuming you had some sort of fall back plan or family to go to? You must have had your reasons for going. For all we know you could just be a stroppy teenager and she's had enough of offering you the olive branch and you rebuffing her.

If I'm reading it correctly, you have a holiday planned with your grandmother? If you cant ask your mother why shes planned the wedding for when you cant attend, ask your grandmother if she has any insight.

Do you want to go to the wedding? you don't seem to like her or her groom.

Maybe she was hurt by you just upping and moving abroad all those years ago and has found it difficult to feel contected to you, she might even think you don’t want to have much to do with her. Her lack of emails could be because she doesn’t want you to feel she is prying etc and then for you to distance yourself further.

Or it could be non of those things., hard to tell without backstory.

Is she having a quiet wedding? Doesn't want a fuss?

Maybe she was worried her htb would realise he would prefer to be marrying you??!!

*Maybe she was hurt by you just upping and moving abroad all those years ago and has found it difficult to feel contected to you, she might even think you don’t want to have much to do with her. Her lack of emails could be because she doesn’t want you to feel she is prying etc and then for you to distance yourself further.

Or it could be non of those things., hard to tell without backstory*

This^

I’d be really upset if my daughter left at 16 and moved abroad and I would think she didn’t want anything to do with me.

I’m guessing you had your reasons though and she wasn’t a very good mum growing up?

Aprilmightbemynewname What a bizarre comment.

I think if you are estranged you were lucky to get an invitation at all, even if it wasn't very polite.

If she's getting married so that her bf can have papers it may not be a big sentimental affair.

Some of the details of your post sound a bit like my family. In the days of letters sometimes it would take three years to get a reply back from my mother and I got married and it didn't even cross my mind to invite my family. And actually I had a lovely mother and adore my siblings. That was just how we were.

For the context, I initially moved abroad at 16 to study, liked it and ended up finding a job abroad and have lived and worked abroad ever since.

My relationship with my mother has always been a bit tense, that's right but mostly because I have always felt I wasn't getting any emotional support from her. As to not to dripfeed later down the line, I was sexually abused/assaulted as a kid/teen and she refused to believe me and pretty much failed to support me, as a result I definitely wasn't an easy teenagers but a lot of it was due to depression/ PTSD and bitterness at her lack of support/reaction.

So maybe there was fault on both sides but I do believe I have tried to make ammend. I suggested family therapy as a teen and she came with me once but then refused to return, like I say she never visits or email if I don't email first so it falls on me to communicate and/or visit as we probably wouldn't have talked nor seen each other if it wasn't for me reaching out. I just feel like it's always on me to reach out and make a step in her direction but what is the point if she doesn't really care?

I am very close to my "step-dad" (her ex partner and the man who raised me) and while they aren't together anymore he still write and call me weekly and has taken the time to visit me a few times already, which is great but it also only enhance to me how little she seems to care in comparison.

I wouldn't pull away if she was reaching out to me, I have been wanting her to actually show she cares and want to be a part of my life for a while now but it doesn't seem to happen. It just seems like it's me wanting to save a relationship that's long dead and being in denial that I have just been dragging a dead horse and that she will never be who I want her to be.

I don't care about being to her wedding specifically, I think it's more what it means than anything else. I do not like the groom no (neither do the rest of my extended family) but that's mostly because he has shown signs of being with my mother for not the right reasons and I do not think he genuinely loves her. I do respect her choice to make the decision to marry him regardless and would have attended had she genuinely wanted me to, as a support for her (not because I agree with the wedding itself).

She said she 'really wants you to attend' yet you feel that means she isn't bothered?

Whoops!!! didn't know you had to name change each time before posting, argh, oh well. I guess that's a name change fail.

But to answer @tradervictoria, if my mother and I are estranged it is not by choice. I never not wanted a relationship with her, yes moving abroad provided me from a break from the toxic environment I grew up in and was living in at the time but I also figured it would be beneficial for the both of us to be apart, except while the distance better our relationship (as in we weren't bickering anymore) it also seem to have been the point where she just simply stopped talking to me.

@Coyoacan, she is getting married out of love. He is the one we feel is getting married for the wrong reasons unfortunately. My mother is also in her 40's so I don't think it's a generational thing as much, but maybe it is?

@PatisserieDeBayeux She didn't, that's the problem.

Had she even just said that, I would have attended but what she said was " Btw, not sure if your siblings have told you but I am getting married on X date, if you can manage to make it great otherwise whatever."

@HRTpatch she isn't having a quiet wedding, my entire family is invited as is the extended family and the groom's family.

Your mother has systematically let you down, as a child when you were abused she failed to believe or support you, as a teen she was content for you to move countries and not stay in touch and then finally to go and get married.

At no point have you felt loved, protected or valued and nor are you likely to in the future. She is what she is. You have carved an entire life out in a new country, don’t allow this toxic atmosphere to poison your life. Send her a card and move on ( nc or not depending on you)

She is never going to be the mother you want her to be and the marriage is no exception to her character. Yes we imagine she will call and tell you her regrets and everything she has lost not having you in her life, I think it is unlikely.

Be happy for the love in your life, your gm and others. Turn to these people for your support and help, love and joy. Your mother for whatever reason can not provide this, but others can and will. Focus on them and all will be well.

Taking what you have read at face value she has been an awful mum and is just continuing to be so. You deserve better.

@elderflowerandrose Thank you! I think this is what I needed to hear and most importantly what I already knew deep down but have refused to accept. It's hard because despite her never having been the mother I needed nor wanted, I have always held up the hope that she would change. I guess she won't and I have to make my peace with that. Thanks for the lovely words, it's true that I have some other lovely people in my life and those are the ones I should focus on, and this is what I will try to focus on from now on. Hard to properly grieve for a mother who is still very much alive though, isn't it? But I will do my best, like you said, I managed to build a life abroad on my own, I can manage that as well. Thank you!

You’re not going to the wedding. Spend the money you would have spent on some therapy. It is horrible not to have been believed. I’m approx your mother’s age. My mother, who is clearly a lot older than yours turned a blind eye to the things my brother did to me. I’m so surprised a woman of my age did the same.

She is only human and clearly very flawed. Live your life. Find your own inner mother. Believe me it is possible with a lot of work. I still crave having the mother I needed/deserved at an inner most level and I do my best to meet those needs. If your mother is like this with you, there must have been something from her parenting, which didn’t work. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour, more about explaining it.

If you want your mother to come to you, you’re going to have to be kind and parent her a bit, I think. Tell her you love her and still need her. Entirely your choice if you don’t want to. Finding a way to stop the pattern your mother created will ensure if/when you have children you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

You have carved an entire life out in a new country, don’t allow this toxic atmosphere to poison your life

I agree with this statement- she sounds really horrible OP and no one needs this in their life. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it

I think you have had a consistently difficult relationship and you keep expecting your DM to step up and change. Sadly,she isn't going to.
Added to that, you disapprove of her partner; you've maintained a better relationship with your step-dad and your gran than you have with your DM and your DM probably feels (rightly or wrongly) that is a signifier of where your relationship priorities lie.
If you had a 'normal' relationship with your DM, the lack of pressure could have been indicative of caring ie she only wanted you to attend if you prioritised it and she didn't want you to feel forced. But it's difficult to view the wedding outwith the prism of past events.

She wouldn't invite you if she didn't care. So I guess she is holding out an olive branch if a little half heartedly. I would go, as family is important and you might regret it.

Don't hang on to a gangrenous leg @Lolipop123, let it go, it will only hinder you.
You were very young when you ventured abroad, you made it alone, I'd be so very proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.
I'm sorry you're going through this.🌸

*which she knew about as it's with her mother to celebrate an important milestone)

So her own mother isn't going to the wedding either, then, if you're meeting her at the same time?

Juells
That’s not how I’m reading it. Op lives abroad. Her mother and assuredly grandmother live in the U.K. I read it as op is travelling back to spend time with her grandma a couple of weeks after the wedding.

Not assuredly. Assumedly. Bloody auto correct.

If this is quite a big wedding it’s surely been planned for much more than two weeks? Were you completely unaware of that or are you saying that she didn’t specifically invite you until two weeks ago although you did know about it?

I can imagine a scenario whereby she simply assumes that her own children know they are invited and she then feels slightly irritated that she has to invite you personally and say she’d like you there. I’m not saying that’s great but it’s more likely than her deliberately excluding you until then.

You have a poor relationship, she’s not been there for you and it’s very unlikely she will change or become someone she isn’t. That’s very sad. But getting upset about her wording is a tiny part of a much bigger picture. I’d keep her low contact but send her a message wishing her well because you a a better person than her.