AIBU to think my mother should at least fake to give more of a fuck?

[Lolipop123]

Name changed for this.

My mother is getting married right now, and I am not at the wedding because I was barely invited. I live abroad and it was casually announced to me that she was getting married to her brand new boyfriend (pretty sure he is scamming her for papers but that's a whole other thread) and that "if I could make it great if not well whatever".

It's her wedding so she can get married whenever but I feel she picked a date she knew would be very inconvenient to me as I have a big trip planned in 2 weeks time (which she knew about as it's with her mother to celebrate an important milestone) so getting extra time off + extra money to go home this weekend would have been difficult but also made sure to give me the most minimal notice for it as if to make it even more difficult for me to attend.

To be fair, due to the circumstances I probably could have gotten the time off to go and managed to find the money but am I unreasonable to be hurt that my mother acted like she couldn't give a flying fuck whether I was there or not to the, supposedly, most important day of her life? (and therefore being unwilling to spend a few hundreds to travel abroad for a day and half to a wedding I was barely invited to?)

To give a bit of background, I have moved out and abroad at age 16 and have since never received any kind of financial (or emotional) support at all from my mother. She has visited once when I was 16 and never since then and she won't talk to me or email me asking me how I am if I don't email her (I once stopped emailing to see how long it would take her to email me and ask me how I am and I didn't hear from her for over 6 months and even then it was actually me emailing again to hear from her).

I don't know, I just feel like she just couldn't care less about me and it makes me even more sad/hurt because I am also NC with my father (for different reasons) so it does feel like I have no family support (even though they are both well alive).

I don't expect any kind of handout from my mother by the way, but a bit of emotional support and consideration would be nice. Had she even just offered to participate to the flights cost for me to come to the wedding as she "really wanted me to attend" (which she can afford and I would have refused) I would have at least been made to feel like she genuinely cared about me being there and probably would have found a way to attend but she barely even asked me if I was coming after all after her initially annoucement as she simply assumed I would not make it.

So am I being unreasonable to consider going no contact over her visibly not giving a fuck about me being in her life (she may genuinely not even notice me going NC) or am I being oversensitive? it's the last one of a long list of things where she has made me feel I don't matter and it's starting to be much more than I can handle. (fully ready to hear I am being unreasonable and entitled though.)

Sorry, I had quite a lot of work to do yesterday so didn't get to come back to the thread.

Thanks for the lovely words.

To explain a bit better, I live abroad and usually come home once or twice a year (depending on finances), my entire family lives locally to my mother so they all went to the wedding. I have planned a big trip abroad with my grandma in about 2 weeks time to celebrate some big milestones in her life (including her being tumor free) and actually had invited my mother to join when I first started planning it but she can't make it.

According to my grandparents she had been planning her wedding since last summer (I was there visiting then so she could have told me then) but she only mentioned it to me a month or so ago. Nobody told me about the wedding, probably because they all felt it wasn't their place to. So I only found out how long she had been planning it for when I asked my grandparents how long they had heard about it and they said they had known since last summer. I think my mother was expecting my siblings to tell me somehow and only told me when she realized they hadn't and I was going to find out about it either way as I have relatives on social medias and some posted pictures of the wedding yesterday.

I would understand if she assumed I knew I was invited if I was living locally and could easily hear the news but there was no way for me to imagine she was getting married (she hasn't been with her DH for long) and nobody told me it was happening until a few weeks ago. I didn't expect a formal invitation but a bit of a heads up (and she had months to tell me) so I could organise myself considering I would be the only one traveling from abroad and having to take time off work to come.

Telling me a few weeks before the wedding knowing I am already taking 3 weeks holidays from work in 2 weeks time with my grandmother and about to spend a considerable amount seemed a bit deliberate and that's what bothered me. If she has told people for months I feel she could have given her own daughter who lives abroad the same kind of consideration, at least if she genuinely wanted to make sure I could be there.

Anyhow, I have congratulated her and the groom yesterday via facetime and will probably go very low contact from now on as a lot of you have said, she is unlikely to ever be the mother I want her to be.

Thanks again everyone for all the lovely words, it means a lot!

That’s very odd and unkind not to tell you until the last minute. I had assumed it had only recently been booked. I’m not surprised your mother couldn’t make it to the trip seeing as she’d be getting married just before and maybe even be on her honeymoon.

I think you’re right to go low contact. I wouldn’t waste too much time searching for her motivation for keeping it from you. She doesn’t sound very self aware so she possibly doesn’t even know herself. All she knows is that family will have asked her where you were and depending on her personality, she may have been able to play the martyr of oh lollipop couldn’t make it poor me.

I think the reason she didnt tell you until the last minute and the reason she has not really included you in her getting married is because she knows you dont approve of who she is getting married to.
I dont think her getting married to someone basically "for papers" is another thread - I think that is the issue.

I wouldnt go NC. I would let her know i was there for her in case of drama but would otherwise back off and let her get on with it.

None of us went either.

Only person I know who married for love and everyone else thought he was marrying her for papers was looking at divorce 10 days after the big wedding. He left and she has never heard from him since. She was also in her 40s

Unfortunately she'll never be the mother you want, like others I think you should keep your distance to avoid being hurt more than has happened already.

Are you low contact with the rest of your family as well, apart from your GM?

She didn't contact you for 6 months, even though you hadn't fallen out. Yanbu. I couldn't imagine having a child, even one abroad, and, seemingly, not caring. Virtual hugs op 💐