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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sharing a bed if we have a child

65 replies

billsbills · 05/05/2018 13:38

Nowhere near TTC yet, but DP is adamant that if we have a baby, he’d move to a different bedroom for however long I was breastfeeding so he could sleep through, because it’s just how all his family have done it and it saves us both being tired

AIBU or is this a somewhat selfish or naive view?

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 05/05/2018 14:42

I don’t an issue with this, if the baby is breastfed. Is dad really meant to get up and wait for feeding to finish to change a nappy? That’s ridiculous.

CyclesPerfecta · 05/05/2018 14:42

It was a life saver for us. I presume your partner works and would help with baby after work until he goes to bed. So when baby is still very young you could catch up on sleep early in the evenings, you would find the night feeds much easier. Co-sleeping also helps, I think i started when DD was about 6 weeks old. DH only moved back from spare room when DD was about 1! 😊

Isleepinahedgefund · 05/05/2018 14:43

My ex did this. Was already pg by then. Have since left the selfish fucker. Honestly it’s good he’s shown his hand now. It won’t get any better. It’s one thing if you agree on it, but he clearly has no intention of joining in with having a baby. Unless, I suspect, the nice bits when he’s showing off baby to everyone and looking well rested and saying how he/she is no trouble at night.......

blinkowl · 05/05/2018 14:46

It depends where he's coming from on this, if his family are supportive of BFing and this has been what the mother has wanted, maybe - just maybe - it's coming from a good place.

To find out:

Ask him where he plans to sleep if BFing doesn't work out and you end up FF? Does he expects you to get up in the night to do all FF and for him not to take an equal role?

Ask him, what if you were shattered and needed him to take over some of the night feeds, using expressed breastmilk in bottles, would he be reluctant to do this?

If his answer is yes to either or both of these, seriously consider whether you want to have a baby with this man. He's telling you that he expects having a baby to change your life, but not his.

He is telling you, quite clearly, than when you need him to be there for you, he'll be nowhere to be seen, sleeping while you suffer sleep deprivation and take all the responsibility for your child.

loopylass13 · 05/05/2018 14:47

Seems logical to me as a co-sleeping breastfeeder for years - once more established, you could connect a single bed up to your double so more room for everyone. You also have no idea how long you will breastfeed or co-sleep, so getting a single bed connected means you create a family bed

blinkowl · 05/05/2018 14:49

The key, also, is - is he suggesting this as a good idea because he thinks it'll help everyone? Or telling you this is how it'll be, because he says so?

Stormy76 · 05/05/2018 14:54

He doesn't know what he is going to want to do, you have had a child yet so this is all just hot air. You don't know if you are going to be able to breast feed, some women actually can't breastfeed. I had all kinds of plans before I had my boys but what happens during and immediately after the birth can dictate what happens.

Glumglowworm · 05/05/2018 14:55

Don’t have a baby with anyone who tells you how you’re going to do things.

As PP have said, the arrangement can work brilliantly for some people. But it needs to be a discussion between you both and a mutual decision of what works for both of you, and an understanding that it will change if it stops working for either of you.

If he’s like this now, he’ll be worse if you actually have a child together.

TheHonSaucyJane · 05/05/2018 14:57

With my first, I felt so helpless and clueless and tired that i needed DP there. With my second, I wish to god he would sleep in the spare room - he snores like a hound and has to get up with the toddler at 6ish, so needs a decent sleep.

There's no right or wrong way to do it UNLESS you dictate to your partner what YOU want without a thought for discussion or what they want.

Armadillostoes · 05/05/2018 15:05

Hi OP-I think that there are two different issues here. There is the question of whether it is a reasonable approach per se- that depends on your circumstances. What work commitments, health issues etc you both have. Secondly though, there is the issue of him making a decision unilaterally. I think the latter is a massive problem.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2018 15:10

it saves us both being tired

Really what he means is that there is x amount of tired. You could both be x/2 tired but rather than that he'd like to be 0 tired and you be x tired. This often means that he can underestimate how tired you are, because he doesn't experience it, and can pretend that you aren't that tired.

A man being 'adamant' that things be his way in regard to a baby is a red flag in my book.

DuchyDuke · 05/05/2018 15:12

My DH grew up in backwater India, where his mum did all the childrearing and his dad only got involved when they turned two. When we started ttc he insisted we’d share night duties no matter if I was on mat leave. Ttc is the romantic period of parenting; if he’s already so jaded and laying down the law then maybe your relationship isn’t in the right place for kids just yet.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2018 15:12

He's telling you he isn't going to be involved in any night duties and it's not about you both getting sleep..it's about him not being disturbed.

Some would say you're very lucky, as you've been given a heads up.

If you have kids and he is all hands off .. you shouldn't be one bit surprised.

How about if you said you won't be breastfeeding in the night...so he can share with the night feeds?

Bet he would have another excuse. Bottom line...he doesn't want a baby to affect his sleep...that's really not reasonable as a parent.

Consider yourself forewarned.

Complainant after the fact would be pointless.

Colbu24 · 05/05/2018 15:24

My husband moved to the spare bedroom. I really didn't mind because I was able to rest during the day.
I didn't want my husband to be tired as he was driving a lot.

corythatwas · 05/05/2018 15:30

Agree with Armadillos. The secret to being a great father is being adaptable and willing to work as a team. He has no idea what your needs will be once the baby is born: could be anything from perfectly fine & just need to be allowed to get on with it to not being able to walk or lift the baby due to stitching.

When I had my second I had stitches & was so exhausted from months of pregnancy-related problems that I couldn't be safely left feeding the baby as I kept falling asleep. Dh and my two elderly parents, who were staying with us, worked as a team: he would help with the evening feed (making sure I stayed awake, changing the nappy so I didn't have to get out of bed, bring me drinks), my mother (who is a night owl) did the same for the night watch and my father (who is one of nature's early risers) took his turn at the early morning feed. Of course not everybody is going to need or want that kind of concerted effort. But if I had needed something else- like being left in peace- I would have had that.

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