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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sharing a bed if we have a child

65 replies

billsbills · 05/05/2018 13:38

Nowhere near TTC yet, but DP is adamant that if we have a baby, he’d move to a different bedroom for however long I was breastfeeding so he could sleep through, because it’s just how all his family have done it and it saves us both being tired

AIBU or is this a somewhat selfish or naive view?

OP posts:
FissionChips · 05/05/2018 14:11

I get your point frizzy and do hope the op is able to sort this issue out in some way, just very doubtful .

Thespringsthething · 05/05/2018 14:13

I've also done this, much better second time around than everyone going downhill with competitive tiredness. However, I also think you can need moral support at night with a tiny baby, so I wouldn't necessarily advocate it first time around. Him declaring this shows you he's going to be very assertive and boss you about basically- whether that's how you want to parent and be together, is up to you.

TwigTheWonderKid · 05/05/2018 14:13

That's what we did. I was breast feeding and really couldn't see any logic in both of us being totally knackered, especially as I was at home and could nap with DS during the day. It also meant DH would take him ealry evening and I could have an hour or so in bed first and at weekends he had more energy to do his bit and give me more of a break.

AddictiveCereal · 05/05/2018 14:13

You won't actually know how you will parent until you have a baby. His approach might work or you might end up using a cot. It depends what works for you and the baby.

I had planned on mine sleeping in a moses basket but ended up co-sleeping with all of mine until about a year. I breastfed them in my sleep and the baby and me never fully woke up - none of mine ever cried at night because I automatically instantly fed them the moment they woke a tiny bit. I only barely woke when this happened and drifted off again. DH slept in a separate room as he is a heavy sleeper and I was worried he'd roll onto the baby. We both do 50/50 in general with housework and looking after children.

For other people it works best to have the baby in a moses basket and then a cot. Whatever works.

Tistheseason17 · 05/05/2018 14:15

This is such a personal thing.

I was obsessed with DH sharing the night effort with me with baby1 but I realised this left him knackered from work and then he'd come in and I'd want him to help at home cause I was tired - not that fair on him either.

With baby2 we would snuggle up until sleeping time and then he'd go to the spare room.

This left him refreshed for work and then i could ask him for help when he got in, too.

It's horses for courses as they say. No judgement either way

ILikeMyChickenFried · 05/05/2018 14:15

I think it's selfish.

In the early weeks DH has got up with me to keep me company, as the feeds have become less frequent he will always change a nappy if needed, cuddle a baby who won't settle back down etc

Dozer · 05/05/2018 14:16

There can be loads of nightwork in addition to feeding. I went to bed at 9. DH then did everything apart from feeding until midnight, and sometimes - when I was wrecked - all night.

Eg winding, caring for a crying DC (miles worse for BIL and SIL whose baby had reflux), changing clothes when DC was sick or nappy leaked, nappy changes.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 05/05/2018 14:16

I've had this discussion with my husband and told him that it makes sense for him to do this - no point in both of us not sleeping at night and he also needs sleep to be able to function at work (and therefore keep a roof over our heads and food on the table).

Seems like common sense to me

Dozer · 05/05/2018 14:20

“Refreshed for work” and “helping” in the evenings. Wonder how many working, heterosexual mothers had/have a partner at home facilitating that!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 14:20

If he weren't able sleep during feeds and nappy changes etc and you were ebf, maybe this would make sense. However, he’d be missing out on a lot. Dd slept on dhs chest a few times as well as inside my nightdress in the first couple of weeks. If he were doing this as a way of preserving his sleep so he can both work and look after you then that is perhaps not a bad thing. Perhaps you need to have a chat with his family. Throw it in, see how they see a man’s role in childrearing.

BrownTurkey · 05/05/2018 14:21

My DH was always a terribly light sleeper. All through having our dc he never slept downstairs because he wanted to be with me. I was puzzled at the time but it means a lot now.

53rdWay · 05/05/2018 14:21

There is a lot more to night baby/ toddler parenting than feeding, especially with bad sleeper DC.

Yes! I breastfed but DH still dealt with a lot of the nighttime nappy changes (when the baby wouldn’t sleep with a wet nappy) and dealing with 2am crying sessions. We did shifts sometimes. Yes it meant we were both tired, but it also meant I was a lot less bone-crushingly tired than I would have been if he’d just opted out of all the parenting at night.

FrizzyNoodles · 05/05/2018 14:22

I get yours too fission I think we're in agreement but coming at it from different angles.
I would be a bit wary of him just deciding for the both of you like that but speaking as someone who did it all alone from birth I would have been so happy to have someone looking after me and DD who was fresh from a good night's sleep.

Crinkle77 · 05/05/2018 14:22

another that's fair enough if it it'something that is discussed and arranged between you but it's just the way it's op's partner has declared that is what will be happening without any discussion that is worrying.

TheEagle · 05/05/2018 14:22

It all depends really. I had a traumatic birth with DS1, DH got up for the first few weeks and changed nappies, handed me baby to feed etc.

As time went on, he often slept in the spare room as he was getting up to go out to work. This was a mutual decision! DS1 wasn’t a super sleeper.

If he’s abdicating all responsibility for the baby to you after 9pm then that’s not ok! He has to step up as well. Plenty he can do even if he’s not actually feeding the baby.

My DH was good for taking baby out for a few hours in the mornings at the weekend so that I could sleep. Sharing the load is essential, however that works out.

astoundedgoat · 05/05/2018 14:23

That's how we did it for dd2 and it was a huge success. Baby & I co slept in the king size bed and DH slept in the spare room. It was just for 6 months while we co slept & then because baby had started nursing less during the day and just staying latched on for what felt like hours a time at night, I turfed her out into her own room and reinstalled DH.

We were less on it with DD1 and it was more ad hoc and far less sensible. I wish we had done it that way for Dd1 too.

It also meant that when baby woke up I could feed her, change her, go for a pee, play games on my phone while she was nursing all without trying not to wake another adult. I felt far less inhibited and liked my night time baby world quite a lot, actually.

DinoSn0re · 05/05/2018 14:23

We did this (and will be doing it again soon with DC2) and it definitely worked in everyone’s favour, but your DP definitely shouldn’t be dictating to you how things will be done. My mum always told me that all new parents should find and follow their own path, and do what works best for them and baby. It should be a joint decision though.

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 05/05/2018 14:26

Yikes. I wouldn’t have a dc with him. Not because that wouldn’t work necessarily but because he has made the decision on his own without even discussing with you how you might feel about it.

Fwiw, my dh did move into the spare room when we had each of our dcs. He moved back in at about 6 weeks with each.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 14:28

IME it’s about who, at any time, is most OK or fucked healthwise. If DC sleep well, or the mother feels alert and well despite 7 nights a week of parenting, can parent well and have equal leisure time doing something other than sleeping, great. If the mother is a wreck - physically and/or mentally - and the father is running three times a week, socialising, happily working, generally chipper, that’s unfair - or even dangerous - and his behaviour is selfish.

As for “he needs to keep a roof over are heads”, women on maternity leave have jobs too, and part of the reason we have maternity leave is for maternal health and safety. And all of us, WoH or not, need to be fit to care for DC and ourselves safely.

Lots of accidents happen in the home or cars. Two that very nearly happened to me due to sleep deprivation after DC1 were spilling a full pan of boiling water on myself and DC and being run over. A friend broke her arm after falling downstairs with babe in arms due to exhaustion. Her then DP did fuck all night parenting and worked and lifted weights three times a week.

LuluMarie · 05/05/2018 14:31

Tell him you plan on formula (that's right, I said it, it's absolutely fine!) and someone else's child.

Who knows what the child will be like? You can have ideas, a discussion not him telling you what he has decided already, but your kid will decide for you!

Early on, after you grow a human and then shove it out of you, he should be doing absolutely everything possible. Everything! Not disappearing to get his rest unless you tell him to move so you can have some space with or without the little one.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 14:31

With a few exceptions, eg roofing, operating dangerous machinery, neurosurgery, it is no more necessary to get sleep before a full day of paid work than before a full day parenting DC.

MrsPreston11 · 05/05/2018 14:32

At least you’ve had good warning what a shitty dad he’ll be.

Get out while you can!

Dozer · 05/05/2018 14:33

Also, any “agreement” on arrangements before any individual DC arrives, or at any point in time in the early weeks, months, years, may need to change if, with the arrangements agreed, the mother feels unhappy and/or unwell.

Frenchsticker · 05/05/2018 14:36

It’s fine so long as he pulls his weight elsewhere. We did this with both DC. But DH recognised that I was sleep deprived as a result, so the trade off was that he did all the cooking, and most of the cleaning. And always took the baby on Sat/Sun mornings so I could have a lie-in.

One thing to consider though: you may not end up breastfeeding, or you may end up doing mixed feeds, for various reasons that won’t occur to you now. So ask him hypothetically, if that was the case and the baby was FF would he pitch in?

Cheby · 05/05/2018 14:39

We’ve done this 2nd time around and it’s bloody glorious. There is nothing worse than being up feeding the baby with a snoring DH beside you.

If you’re bf he can’t help with nightfeeds anyway. I bedshare with the baby, we have loads of space, I feed lying down and I go back to sleep straight away. If DH is there I lie there getting more and more frustrated that he’s asleep when I’m not.

DH gets a solid 6/7 hrs without being woken (although he does take the monitor for eldest in case she wakes up but she v rarely does these days), and if ive had a particulrly rough night he takes the baby at 6am and I get another hour of sleep.

It’s a pretty good system and maximises sleep for all of us. Don’t dismiss it straight away!

(DH did share with us in the first few months when he was off work too, and baby still needed nappy changes at night...I would feed then hand over for nappy change and he would swaddle and put her back down)