Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to pull out.

29 replies

PassiveAgressivePenguin · 05/05/2018 08:56

I apologise in advance because this is a bit long winded.

I play an instrument as a hobby. It’s something I did a bit when I was younger and then picked up on it again several years ago, and I’ve been having so much fun with it since. I have a brilliant teacher who has helped me no end and I even performed in a live concert he organised last year which is something I never thought I’d do because I’m really not very confident but knew it would be a buzz. It was a well great experience and bit of a game changer giving me more confidence. I’m going to be involved again in another bigger concert and will have more parts to play this time and helping other people with their performances as well as mine.

I left school over 20 years ago. I hated school, and I was relentlessness bullied for years by a large group of boys, probably about 20/30 of them all together in various years but they were all friends. There were some who were worse than others. It was awful and I was miserable and it gave me many issues that still stay with me today, including my self confidence (bringing us back to my playing the instrument!) Theyd follow me if I was on my own in s big gang, shouting abuse and throwing things at me. It was constant. I couldn’t do school work properly, but I had no support from teachers because in those days it wasn’t taken seriously unless violence was involved.

I have just realised today that one of the perpetrators of my childhood misery is going to be playing at this concert too. I was absolutely devastated when I found out, it actually brought on an anxiety attack.

AIBU to tell my teacher that I can’t go ahead with this any more? There’s just absolutely no way even 20+ years down the line I can face this guy. I realise he could be a completely different guy now, but there’s a good chance he’s still friends with the other bullies, some of who i guess could even be there. I don’t want to lose my confidence again, and I don’t want to face up to something I’ve tried so hard to forget and move on from. I just hate that this seems to come back and haunt me every so often, but am devastated that it’s in a part of my life that I’ve been enjoying so much.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 05/05/2018 09:06

You're an adult now, you're in control. Don't let this person affect the rest of your life. If he/she speaks to you, do the old 'head tilt', "Sorry, remind me, Do I know you?", and if he/she says school, say "I'm sorry, I don't remember you" and you will feel so empowered by it .

But please don't give up something you enjoy.

RedHelenB · 05/05/2018 09:12

Agree with new year. I bet he doesn't remember you..

Original poster
PassiveAgressivePenguin · 05/05/2018 09:18

But I’m going to know him and then I’ll fuck up my performance, and once again I’ll be the laughing stock.

OP posts:
GrannyHaddock · 05/05/2018 09:40

In the concert would you be playing solo or in group or an orchestra? Really, I am sure he will have grown up in the meantime and would be embarrassed to recall his behaviour. I agree with the above, don't let this put you off doing something you love.

Giggorata · 05/05/2018 09:58

Remember that the best revenge is to live well.
He hasn't stopped you from doing something amazing with your life and he can't stop you now. No one can take this gift away from you.
I agree that you should look straight through him and say you don't remember him if he approaches you. I doubt he will, he'll be too ashamed.
Ignore him, play at the concert.
Tell your teacher, so that he can support you in the performance.
He could ensure you are placed far apart and sit with the people you are helping and those you know and like. He could make sure the ex bully is not in your eyeline. He could also ensure that he doesn't approach you.
Please don't give up your great pleasure and skill for this idiot.

Original poster
PassiveAgressivePenguin · 05/05/2018 09:58

It’s solo and in a group.

OP posts:
chickenowner · 05/05/2018 10:01

Talk to the teacher about it - just talking about it and making someone else aware may help you.

It would be a terrible shame if you gave up this hobby that you are clearly really enjoying.

applesisapple5 · 05/05/2018 10:03

Please please don't pull out because of this person. It was a natural reaction to feel huge anxiety when you found out he'd be taking part, but that's your first, gut reaction and you have time to reassess and analyse your feelings.
You're a different person now, please don't let the past take this achievement and opportunity away from you.

TSSDNCOP · 05/05/2018 10:05

If you woke to the teacher,perhaps your bully will be asked not to participate.

TSSDNCOP · 05/05/2018 10:05

Spoke, not woke

OreoMini · 05/05/2018 10:06

Don’t pull out of the show. You can do this, like others have said he probably doesn’t even remember who you are

OreoMini · 05/05/2018 10:07

TSSDNCOP, I doubt he will be asked to not join in. It happened over 20 years ago when he was a kid himself and he could just say she was lying

BlueSuffragette · 05/05/2018 10:08

The best type of revenge is for bullies to see you are a success. Do not pull out, you are very talented, time to shed that coat of fear and shine. The bully will be embarrassed about their past. Dont let them impact on your life one minute longer. You are a star... believe it and show everyone how good you are.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 10:30

I was badly bullied by a group of girls. I do absolutely understand the anxiety that you are feeling. Speaking to your teacher absolutely will help. Sharing the most painful and / or embarrassing parts of your life is often such a relief and release. I’ve told friends how my brother treated me and they’ve been horrified and as parents of older boys / younger girls would be disgusted if their boys acted as inappropriately as him. Going back to the bullying you suffered. It isn’t normal for older boys to gang up on one person in this way so I hope your teacher will understand whatever you decide.

Tistheseason17 · 05/05/2018 10:30

He was a child then and an adult now.

See if he has changed and you may even get an apology.

There are bullies everywhere in life - I have met many over the years. If it is not him, you will meet others.

Get some counselling and hold your head high and do what you love.

I suspect he will remember you and feel ashamed.

UpstartCrow · 05/05/2018 10:30

Yanbu, and people should stop minimising the effect of bullying. You wouldn't tell an adult who was tortured over a long period of time to get over it, you'd get them some intensive therapy.People don't choose to be bullied and they don't choose to react this way. Its easy to say 'ignore him' or 'develop a thick skin' but if that's your advice then explain how to do it.

@PassiveAgressivePenguin Listen up - you don't owe anyone in this situation. You are free to act any way you choose.
You can walk away without an explanation at any time, even halfway through the performance. Or you could stand up and dramatically denounce him to the audience. Or not turn up.
Act out different scenarios in your mind and pick one you like.

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/05/2018 10:32

Don't pull out!
Do the opposite....show him how amazing you are.
Agree with PP. He is unlikely to remember you although you remember him clearly.
Grow some backbone and f**k him! (Not literally!)

MrsHathaway · 05/05/2018 10:37

Talk to the teacher in confidence. There may be a solution such as doing the solo but not group (or bully does his solo and not the group) and logistical ways of keeping you apart from him.

If you are still this upset after all this time then you may have ptsd and might benefit from specific counselling or coaching in coping strategies. You would speak to your GP in the first instance.

TheProvincialLady · 05/05/2018 11:49

This might be your opportunity to start moving in from this awful experience. I would seriously consider getting some counselling or if that’s not an option, using self help books and lots of writing and reflecting. I would talk to the teacher about how you’re feeling and to find out what can be done to mitigate any risk of ridicule (I honestly think this risk is very low but I understand it feels high to you).

An adult who is learning and performing an instrument as an amateur is pretty unlikely to be the kind of person who behaves like you’re worried about - ridiculing and bullying. Even if they were, other adults would call them out on it and they would look incredibly stupid and in all likelihood they would be asked to leave. No teacher would allow this behaviour. Same with the old friends who may or may watch the concert (it’s also actually very unlikely this man still has this group of friends).

I know it’s easier said than done but the absolute worst thing that could happen is that you’re ridiculed, upset and give up. By preempting what may happen and leaving anyway you’ve avoided the fear of ridicule and upset but you’ve still ultimately given up something you love, which is a terrible shame for you.

GrannyHaddock · 05/05/2018 11:55

I would say if you are going to drop any part of the concert to pull out of the solo and play in the ensembles. But much better to play it all if you can!

Keeptrudging · 05/05/2018 11:59

I met one of my school bullies several years ago at a party. He was incredibly sorry/still felt guilt about it. He was thoroughly ashamed of his past behaviour, and couldn't apologise enough. I'd moved on, was living a happy life, I think in some ways it was more of a big deal for him than me.

Incidentally, my old bullying boss was the same, said he'd often thought about contacting me to say sorry for how he'd treated me, he felt properly guilty, could hardly look me in the eye. Bullies have to live with their actions too.

Play in your concert with the knowledge that your ex bully will probably be squirming rather than gloating. You've moved on.

Emerencealwayshopeful · 05/05/2018 12:04

Your feelings and concerns are totally valid.

I agree that discussing with your teacher might help. It’s possible that a solution or partial solution that makes you feel safer in the same room as this other person will come out of that talk.

And I’m another person who received an apology 20 years later for bullying that happened when we were 14. Growing up is hard to do but some people do grow up and take responsibility for past actions. And it is much easier to let go of all the feelings about the bullying when you have heard the word sorry.

Kittycat124 · 05/05/2018 12:10

Play that solo to the best of your abilities. Show him that your a successful musician now (if you weren’t, your teacher wouldn’t have picked you for a solo). Good luck and enjoy. He’s not worth the upset xx

Crinkle77 · 05/05/2018 12:12

If he approached you just pretend you can't remember who he is.

Sofiathefirst2346 · 05/05/2018 13:03

I bumped into bullies from school, all except one apologised and said they should never have treated me that way. The one who wasn’t sorry, well I just ignored her. I don’t give two hoots about her or her thoughts of me. You are an adult and this person means nothing to you now. His opinion of you means nothing. Go and enjoy doing what you do xx