To want to pull out.

[PassiveAgressivePenguin]

I apologise in advance because this is a bit long winded.

I play an instrument as a hobby. It’s something I did a bit when I was younger and then picked up on it again several years ago, and I’ve been having so much fun with it since. I have a brilliant teacher who has helped me no end and I even performed in a live concert he organised last year which is something I never thought I’d do because I’m really not very confident but knew it would be a buzz. It was a well great experience and bit of a game changer giving me more confidence. I’m going to be involved again in another bigger concert and will have more parts to play this time and helping other people with their performances as well as mine.

I left school over 20 years ago. I hated school, and I was relentlessness bullied for years by a large group of boys, probably about 20/30 of them all together in various years but they were all friends. There were some who were worse than others. It was awful and I was miserable and it gave me many issues that still stay with me today, including my self confidence (bringing us back to my playing the instrument!) Theyd follow me if I was on my own in s big gang, shouting abuse and throwing things at me. It was constant. I couldn’t do school work properly, but I had no support from teachers because in those days it wasn’t taken seriously unless violence was involved.

I have just realised today that one of the perpetrators of my childhood misery is going to be playing at this concert too. I was absolutely devastated when I found out, it actually brought on an anxiety attack.

AIBU to tell my teacher that I can’t go ahead with this any more? There’s just absolutely no way even 20+ years down the line I can face this guy. I realise he could be a completely different guy now, but there’s a good chance he’s still friends with the other bullies, some of who i guess could even be there. I don’t want to lose my confidence again, and I don’t want to face up to something I’ve tried so hard to forget and move on from. I just hate that this seems to come back and haunt me every so often, but am devastated that it’s in a part of my life that I’ve been enjoying so much.

I was part of a group of girls that bullied another girl years ago at school and I still feel immense shame over my actions. I bumped into the girl on a night out many years later and apologised profusely. She graciously accepted my apology. Please don't drop out, if anyone should miss out it should be him. I bet he's ashamed of his actions - you have nothing to fear. Don't let him steal any more of your joy

Thank you all so very much for you responses. I think I will speak to my teacher about it. I think he needs to know that my anxiety of the performance may be higher due to this fact. I was nervous last time because of it being my first time but I was really looking forward to it this time and am just gutted that this would happen. I suppose there were so many of them paths would cross at some point. I have seen a few of them who have apologised to me over the years too which has helped, but th nightmares never go. I never told my parents about it I hid it and I still hide it now. I was always so ashamed.

That’s the problem. The shame. It is not your fault PAP. I talked further upthread that my brother bullied me severely including sexual stuff. I’m mid 40’s. I only spoke of it within the past year because I was too ashamed. My friends think my brother is vile, not me. And judge him. Not me. I know, it’s the why me? Then the internal answer comes: If I were better, prettier, nicer, more likeable, it wouldn’t happen. There is nothing to be ashamed about. It isn’t about any of the things.

Wow, well done OP! That’s inspirational.