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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smoker by bedroom window - AIBU

38 replies

insideoutsider · 04/05/2018 22:51

Good evening all!

The DCs and I are spending the bank holiday weekend with my cousin and her family. They live in a lovely 4 bedroom apartment in a really nice area, quiet neighbours (they smile hello when the bump into each other), neat communal gardens / park area, generally nice place to live. They all have nice balconies.

My cousin's next door neighbour are a 40-something year old couple and their 4yr old son. The man smokes so (I guess to avoid polluting his home) he goes to their balcony to have a cigarette first thing in the morning, several times during day and last thing at night (about 10pm).

That's fine until it's warm and summer arrives and it's window-open season. Cousin's 6-yr old son's bedroom is the one right next to their balcony so when the windows are open, cigarette smoke goes into his bedroom.

I went to help tuck him in this evening and I just could not believe the smell of smoke. I say she should have a word with her neighbours, even just to let them know that their cigarette smoke is getting into the kid's bedroom window and ask what they could do about it. My cousin says she doesn't want any issues, worried they may turn into nightmare neighbours, the guy is smoking in his own balcony blah blah.The question I don't have an answer to is where the man should do his smoking.

There is no option of the kids moving rooms because the rooms are perfect sizes for her kids. The other 2 rooms are large but oddly positioned with no view (corridor facing) - 1 is cousin's room, the other is the guest room. Those 2 rooms are air conditioned. She owns her flat and doesn't plan on moving.

AIBU that she should have a word with the neighbours or is she for not doing so? If I'm being unreasonable, how would you deal with this? Thanks!

OP posts:
CaptainCabinets · 04/05/2018 22:52

Shut the window? HTH

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 22:56

Have an electric fan facing the window to blow out smoke before it comes in.

StickThatInYourPipe · 04/05/2018 22:59

If I was the child I would want to sleep in the air conditioned room no matter how oddly shaped it is - I like a cold room

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/05/2018 23:01

I get that it's annoying for you - but, the neighbours are doing nothing illegal. Why wouldn't you just keep the DC's windows closed? It's not a big issue really.

AJPTaylor · 04/05/2018 23:02

Well she has options. A different room. Its her home and her neighbour.

Storm4star · 04/05/2018 23:10

The question I don't have an answer to is where the man should do his smoking.

Exactly. Where should he smoke? It’s not your flat and not your problem. Your cousin doesn’t want to say anything so it’s not your place to get involved.

SD1978 · 04/05/2018 23:12

Nothing. She’s right and you should drop it and not make her feel worse. She does have a choice- move he child into anoher room. She doesn’t want to. So you telling her how awful her sons room smells- as if she isn’t already aware, is just goady. He’s not going to go downstairs and out the front door, and there would be bad feelings. It’s crap and it’s not fair, and ultimately it’s his choice. Closet the windows, or move to the guest room. Sadly she has to make a change as she can’t exoect or ask the neighbour to.

CadyHeron · 04/05/2018 23:18

I absolutely hate smoking,it stinks. However, they're not doing anything wrong, are they?
I'm with your cousin on this one.I don't think I'd want any issues or awkwardness over something like this either.
It's their balcony.
Shut the window or change bedrooms.

zzzzz · 04/05/2018 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 04/05/2018 23:34

its up to her isnt it-not your place

where do you want him to smoke

CanIBuffalo · 04/05/2018 23:38

Have an impromptu history lesson about nightsoil.

3boysandabump · 04/05/2018 23:40

She just needs to keep the window closed and find another way of cooling down the room

Northernparent68 · 04/05/2018 23:47

I find it hard to believe you can smell your neighbours smoke

mimibunz · 04/05/2018 23:50

My ndn smokes pot and it wafts into my bedroom late at night. Grin

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2018 23:58

There is no option of the kids moving rooms because the rooms are perfect sizes for her kids.

Of course there are options.

If she doesn't want to move her kids to the other rooms, then why should the neighbour want to move off his own balcony?

I hate the smell of fag smoke, therefore if it was bothering me in my own home I would do all I could to prevent it and that includes moving rooms.

BBQ and bonfire season is just round the corner. The problem won't get any easier.

Original poster
insideoutsider · 05/05/2018 00:06

Hi everyone -
'Shut the window', 'Aim the fan to the window'. Well imagine how you would open your window a crack during the day? Having to have a fan on all day when no one is using the room is a bit much, isn't it? It's just to keep the room cool and to allow it to remain cool in the evening.

I TOTALLY accept that it's their balcony and that is the only place they can smoke. I also don't want her get into a bad place with her neighbours. It's just that the last time we were over, you could open the windows, air the room, fresh air and all that. Now her neighbours have moved in (about 6 months ago), this will all have to change. The bedroom window will always have to be shut. She doesn't like this by the way, she just feels helpless about the situation. She had told me about this when we were chatting around the period the neighbours moved in. So, I'm not being goady, no.

Meanwhile, one of the reasons I brought this up is that my cousin is a little bit of a push over - always giving things up to avoid confrontation (parking spaces, bin spaces etc). I just feel a little sorry for her that she now can't have her kids' window's open because of this.

She doesn't want to move her son to a different room. That room has been made and decorated for him. It also looks over the large park and garden area.

OP posts:
Original poster
insideoutsider · 05/05/2018 00:09

@WorraLiberty - Yes, I know about bonfire and barbecue season. The difference is that it's not all day every day. In this case, there's no escaping it.

OP posts:
swimlyn · 05/05/2018 00:12

Northernparent
I find it hard to believe you can smell your neighbours smoke

IPMSL

Only a smoker would say that…

SD1978 · 05/05/2018 00:13

I understand what you say about not wanting to move rooms- but ultimately that is her choice to make. Of course she doesn’t have to move him or keep the window closed. But he also doesn’t have to stop smoking. I can imagine the answer will be no. Everyone knows the smell travels- and especially when it’s warm. She does have a choice- she’s just choosing to keep the child (understandably) in the room he’s in.

SemperIdem · 05/05/2018 00:13

You seem overly concerned about something she seems to consider an issue. She has weighed up the options and not taken a different one. Leave it be, it isn’t your issue.

CalF123 · 05/05/2018 00:16

What is it this week with people thinking their PFB's 'needs' entitle them to dictate what their neighbours can and can't do on their own property.

The man is smoking on his own balcony-YABVVU and entitled to think you can stop him. If he was standing right outside the bedroom window doing it, you'd have a point but you can't restrict what people do on their own property like that.

userxx · 05/05/2018 00:17

Close the window. Simple.

OreoMini · 05/05/2018 00:18

She can’t ask him to not smoke in his own balconyConfused

Move his room if she’s that bothered! She will have to take it on the chin that it’s just been decorated.

Or close the window.

YABU, leave the neighbor alone.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2018 00:23

If she's not concerned enough to move her kids to the other rooms, I'm not sure why you seem more bothered than she does?

As adults/parents we find our own solutions to these things and there's a simple solution staring her straight in the face.

If she's not willing to do that, I wouldn't give it any more head space if I were you.

Some people just won't help themselves.

theycallmebabydriver · 05/05/2018 00:27

I'm like your cousin, I hate confrontation. The only thing worse than confrontation to up the old anxiety levels is someone telling me how I 'should' be confronting someone over an issue I've decided to let go.

On behalf of your cousin's stress levels, butt out. I guarantee that you having a go at her about it (because that is what it will feel like to her, whether you think you are or not) feels worse than the guy smoking.

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