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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you wouldn’t openly slate someone’s home to them

60 replies

KiaCar · 04/05/2018 19:09

I am a bit sensitive about my house we brought on a newbuild estate and parking has become an issue as well as neighbours noisy kids.
Therefore don’t think I made a great choice in hindsight, however it cost a lot of money and it’s our house for now.
In the last week I’ve had 4 separate people past negative invited comments such as ‘they’re so packed in’
Couldn’t live here no privacy’
‘Gardens small isn’t it’
I wouldn’t dream of being so rude about someone’s home- yet people including my friends are happy to slate mine.
Can’t believe people are so bloody rude.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2018 19:57

Rude. I can always find something nice to say about a house/car/outfit/baby.

Movablefeast · 04/05/2018 19:58

I was amazed when a visiting mum who was picking up her DS made a negative comment about the house we had just moved to. She said our house was small but hers is much smaller with no garden. I can only assume it was a reflection of her own unhappiness/insecurity so ignored her. But kept my distance ever since.

Original poster
KiaCar · 04/05/2018 20:00

feast this was a play date too. I even said after her comment ‘we’ll its all we can afford for now so it’s a nice house to have’ inviting her to make a ‘it’s lovely besides’ that type comment but no

OP posts:
namechanger14 · 04/05/2018 20:02

I've lived in a new build and if any of my family or dh friends ask me what I think about their new build I have been known to say something like "oh my god, WHY?" or "Yeah, just don't put the tv up on the wall/get a fixed stairgate/go sunbathing topless/order a takeaway within 45 mins of closing". I honestly do not mean to be rude it's just I've been asked a question and I wont (CANT) stand there and lie. I am getting better though and will try to engage my filter and ask "do u want the truth?", as that way they get the general idea without me coming across as being rude.

I think "if you don't want to know the truth, don't ask the question" applies 10 fold here.

JessicaJonesJacket · 04/05/2018 20:06

Are they reflecting back your own negative comments? Even so, they are still very rude. Flowers

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 04/05/2018 20:07

New year saying how small someone’s garden is, is not stating a preference for the surroundings, it’s having a bit of a dig , and even if you don’t like the surroundings, of where someone lives there is no need to express that to the person who lives there.

AJPTaylor · 04/05/2018 20:08

Honestly. People have no manners.
People like different things. There is always something nice to say even if its not to your taste

"What a lovely bright room"
"Id love a utility/understairs cupboard/ensuite/ bay window"
They are rude and ignorant

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2018 20:08

I have friends who do this. I find it strange.

I live in quite an unusual old house and have a huge garden. They live in a typical new build. I am nothing but complimentary as genuinely it's lovely. They compliment my house, and take pics of it to show people, call it the "country pile" but always point out something wrong. Every time.

Your showers crap, does that loose toilet roll holder not drive you mad, or whatever, I just don't get the need to do it. I'd never do it. Things are faulty in their home, as they are in most folks, and I never, ever mention it.

They say it and then they stare at me to see my reaction. I just shrug it off. 🤷‍♀️

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2018 20:09

@namechanger14 If someone is asking for advice before making a decision then give a polite opinion. If they have already made the decision (and bought the house) wouldn’t it be better to say something bland and inoffensive? Clue: “do you want the truth?” is not it.

maymai · 04/05/2018 20:14

No,you're not.

In response:

No privacy - that's how we like it, less chance of being burgled and it gives us a sense of community which is so lacking in this day and age

Small garden - yes one of the reasons we chose this plot. Neither of us are Alan titmarsh.

I'd also say "that said, there's probably things about your house I dislike but I wouldn't dream of passing comment"

They are CFers!

Juells · 04/05/2018 20:22

@Bluntness100

I've had that too - I bought a bungalow in a country area, a few miles from quite a rough town. Soon after we moved in a school friend of DD's came home with her one day, and her mother came to collect her later. She walked around with her nose in the air saying horrible things like "We looked at this house, but we discounted it immediately" and went on to list all the things that were wrong with it. I was actually in tears after she left, thinking "Oh my god, I've tied myself into a mortgage on this heap of junk, I shouldn't be let out on my own, I'm so stupid". In fact the house was lovely to live in, timber frame, really warm and cosy, in a lovely village, we were very happy there. A few weeks later I dropped DD to the friend's house, and they lived on a really rough council estate. Confused She must have known I'd call there sooner or later, but couldn't resist the opportunity to make me feel like a failure.

shinycat · 04/05/2018 20:23

Has it occurred to you that they may be jealous of your new, clean, perfect plaster home with no rotting windows or over grown garden?
I find people tend to be rude because they want to put you down, because you have something better than them.

This They are jealous OP. Otherwise they wouldn't be so mean and critical. I personally wouldn't buy a newbuild, I''m not gonna lie, but I would never be so vile about someone else's^ newbuild!

shinycat · 04/05/2018 20:23

@Juells

That woman sounds like a horrid bitch.

krustykittens · 04/05/2018 20:24

I love my house, I think it's fab. So I make no negative comments to make people think they have an opening to slag it off. Yet the dad of one of kid's friends said to me in passing, "I wouldn't decorate my house like yours, no offence, but it's not my thing." I was gobsmacked! But as a PP said, some people just like to do others down. He is one of them!

Juells · 04/05/2018 20:26

no offence

They always say that, it makes everything all better.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/05/2018 20:29

It is very rude.

People do have preferences and that's fine. I've a good friend who is driven mad by wonky walls - she's Canadian and most housing where she grew up is of a good and modern standard - and she values her new build house. I'm ok with wonky walls, and I like that my budget gets me more space if I go for an older house. Neither of us would dream of coming out with the comments you've had!

So I say give them tit for tat. Just wait until the next time they're getting someone in to sort the plumbing/roof/damp course, or complaining that there aren't enough plug sockets or it's a bugger to put up wallpaper because of the angle of the floor. And then ask innocently why on earth they bought such archaic hovels when they could have had a nice newbuild.

Graduate223 · 04/05/2018 20:31

It’s not newbuilds, it’s just rude people. I grew up in a large Edwardian house with lots of character, period features, great location etc. The amount of people that would criticise it on visiting was shocking, it was just pure jealousy. The people criticising it usually lived in tiny flats. The amount of compliments we got far outweighed the negative though.

felicitythemangyfox · 04/05/2018 20:31

That's horrible. Everyone has to compromise when buying a house and many many people find that they have issues with the house or area that they didn't expect. They should stfu Flowers

Momo18 · 04/05/2018 20:32

I think they're jealous too! Nobody would notice and dare say or care if your garden was a bit small, these people are likely deliberately doing it as jealous

isthisspring · 04/05/2018 20:33

This is very rude, it's not uncommon to think these thoughts but you need to learn to keep them to yourself. Their houses will be full of faults too.

SentfromHeaven · 04/05/2018 20:37

OP I understand how hurtful and angry you must feel with comments like that!!

We used to live in a lovely little cottage. I know it's not everyone's taste but the world would be boring if everyone was the same! Anyway we were happy but my 'friend' kept putting it down. The front living room was pretty dark and we used that as more of an evening room snuggled up in front of the tele with the wood burner on. We spent the day mainly in the kitchen and little conservatory. Anyway I started feeling so uncomfortable when my 'friend' came around as she always made snide comments. One day we were sat in the living room and she said (in a 'jokingly' way) 'Oh it's like a dungeon in here'!! I was totally lost for words!!

To me I don't base my friendships on where you live, what you have, what you don't have etc. Unfortunately people are very insecure and like to project their insecurities onto you!

WilburIsSomePig · 04/05/2018 20:41

Some people are just arseholes.

My friend bought a new build. I don't particularly like it; the walls are paper thin, garden is tiny, they have half a driveway and the parking is awful. When she asked me round to see it, I took her a housewarming present and told her I thought it was beautiful, because she loves it and it makes her happy. I love her dearly so would never dream of being so unkind as to say otherwise.

My house is so different from hers that I'm sure she thinks mine is bloody awful, but she says it's lovely because she's my friend.

I suspect we both know the other isn't being quite truthful but we also acknowledge the reason why and it's actually quite sweet.

NotTheFordType · 04/05/2018 20:41

In the last week I’ve had 4 separate people past negative invited comments such as ‘they’re so packed in’

Is this typo "post" (as in social media) or "passed" (as in said when they've visited)?

And when you say "invited", this implies you're asking them to tell you what they perceive as the flaws. Is that the case?

Original poster
KiaCar · 04/05/2018 20:53

No not invited their comments it wasn’t in response to me asking their thoughts- just them commenting.
It’s been in person not on sm

OP posts:
SentfromHeaven · 04/05/2018 20:54

People live in certain houses because they feel that they don't have any other choice. For example, a lot of people are buying new builds because of the government schemes which help them onto the property ladder! Not that it should make any difference as your decisions have nothing to do with anybody else but people pass comments and don't even think of people's circumstances etc.

The way I look at it is if people are making snide comments like that, they obviously want to divert your attention away from their own 'perfect' lives!!