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Original poster

Is it rude to fetch your own food?

41 replies

BurpeesAreTheWorkOfTheDevil · 04/05/2018 17:40

I have a restrictive diet, instead of asking people to cater for it I just fetch my own food and enough for anyone who might want it.

I did this at a gathering last week and a family member says its embarrassing and I should just eat what's given.
The only thing on the buffet that I could eat was the lettuce garnish even tho the host knows my restrictions, she forgot which is not a problem at all, I know it's a pain.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 04/05/2018 17:42

No it's not rude to take your own food if you know you are unlikely to be able to eat whatever is on offer.

Cakeorchocolate · 04/05/2018 17:44

No of course it's not rude if you are not being catered for. If you made a big thing about it that might be considered rude. But feeding yourself rather than going hungry is just sensible.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2018 17:44

I think it depends on why you have a restrictive diet. If it’s allergies or phobia then I think it’s fine and considerate to cater for yourself. If you’re fussy because you just don’t fancy stuff, then you need to eat what’s on offer. A good host will try to cater to likes/dislikes though.

Sparkletastic · 04/05/2018 17:45

Is your restrictive diet for medical reasons or due to preference?

BrightonCalling · 04/05/2018 17:46

Not rude if you let people know in advance thats what you intend to do.

AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 17:49

It’s not rude if your diet is restricted for medical reasons.

If the host is a family member they should have been catering for you though. The fact that they forgot was rude.

Cornettoninja · 04/05/2018 17:49

Even if you are fussy then I think as long as the host is aware so doesn't go out of their way for you then crack on. Presumably there is a purpose to the gathering and it's more important that you're there no matter what you put in your mouth.

I've never experienced this irritation with fussy or restricted eaters. If anything I feel sympathy for them because I love my food and think they're missing out!

Nizuc · 04/05/2018 17:52

I have a friend who is veggie - she just brings her own main - and eats our sides. No one says anything.

TryingToGetHome · 04/05/2018 17:52

I hope not because I have a quite restrictive diet and rather not put someone out, I'd rather not have them whining about me and my faddy eating. I'd always bring something I can eat with enough to share around. Despite not wishing to put someone out though you can still inadvertently annoy people - but I think that's their issue and not yours....my sil is apparently pissed off that she bakes and I won't eat her cakes. People can be really weird about other people's diet even when it really has nothing to do with them.

Likejellytots88 · 04/05/2018 17:54

That's not rude, I think as long as the host knows you intend to bring your own stuff and is happy for you to do so it shouldn't be an issue. And someone else who isn't hosting shouldn't be calling it embarrassing as it's none of their business/doesn't affect them anyway.

Likejellytots88 · 04/05/2018 17:56

What I do find rude from experience is when I host and put on a buffet (of foods I know everyone will eat) and no one eats anything because they are going out for tea after they leave my house!! Twice DP's family did this to me and now they wonder why I never invite them round!

AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 18:23

I had a visitor who told me in advance that he was now strictly gluten free.

Fair enough, I researched Gf recipes, bought GF products, meal planned around the restrictions and researched local restaurants for how GF friendly they were.

Every time we went to a cafe or restaurant he picked something blatantly not gluten free.

Now that’s rude.

Oddly enough he won’t be getting a repeat invitation to stay.

reallyanotherone · 04/05/2018 18:26

What I do find rude from experience is when I host and put on a buffet (of foods I know everyone will eat) and no one eats anything because they are going out for tea after they leave my house!

How is your cooking?!

I always eat before going to mil’s because she is an utterly shite cook. I’m veggie, so was offered home grown, unwashed salad, complete with snails and dirt, and/or soggy vegetables roasted in lard.

I think she would find it rude if i took my own stuff, as she thinks she has tried by providing the salad and veg. Easier to eat before/after!

RhinoBlue · 04/05/2018 18:42

Difficult one, I can see it from both sides. My Mum has allergies and prefers to take her own food as often people don't understand actual allergies "Oh I didn't realise no dairy meant you can't eat a cake I made with butter" or "I only used a small amount of sesame". So from that point of view I'd say it can be important to fetch your own as you often can't trust people to provide you with your allergy free food.

However, I might be a little annoyed if I'd spent time carefully catering to your restricted diet and you rocked up with your own food.

I think the best thing to do is communicate with the host, tell them you have a restricted diet but you are happy to bring your own and also enough for others. I'm sure they would appreciate it if told in advance so they've not gone to any trouble.

MaMisled · 04/05/2018 18:50

I think it's ok but do explain to hosts that you're trying to save them trouble or they may think you don't trust them to cater appropriately for you.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 04/05/2018 18:54

Depends why you have a restrictive diet. If its a genuine medical thing then take your own without fuss. If its because you're a fussy eater then it's rude.

lhastingsmua · 04/05/2018 18:54

Why does it matter if it’s by preference or not? I’m vegetarian by choice, I’m not just going to start eating meat because a host forgot to cater for me

MrsMozart · 04/05/2018 19:05

I wouldn't mind, be it because of a medical reason or because you're 'fussy' - a meal is an occasion and you should enjoy and be comfortable with what you eat.

yogaandwine · 04/05/2018 19:11

From the other side - as a hostess I always ask if anyone has any dietary requirements and I actually enjoy the challenge of finding something new to make that guests will ALL be able to enjoy. I've made vegan food for 6 when just one person was vegan as it's a chance to try new recipes and share some yummy food together rather than one person being ostracised.

Therefore I actually think it's rude if the host has not catered for known allergies / preferences. If you choose to help by bringing something extra long I would not consider that rude.

meatymil · 04/05/2018 19:20

I've name changed for this comment as have ranged about this irl. I don't think it's rude to do what you do- probably good manners to tell the host that's what you plan to do to give them the option of catering for you or being grateful that you're helping out. However I've recently had the sort of opposite...I'm veggie and have been for 25+ years so I don't really know how to cook meat- so I don't. My dh isn't veggie and he cooks meat if he wants it or if he's doing he cooking for guests will sometimes do meat dishes. Recently my in laws came to stay and as it turned out I ended up cooking lunch, so it was veggie food. I served up and my mil turned to her husband and said 'do you want ham on yours?' I said 'sorry mil we don't have any ham' she replied that was ok as she'd brought some. She brought her own fucking ham!!!! Nearly slapped her round the face with it, not because I object to meat in the house because I don't...but because it was so fucking rude.

ScreamingValenta · 04/05/2018 19:21

Not at all rude, as long as you let your host know in advance so they don't waste time catering for you.

4GreenApples · 04/05/2018 19:27

Not rude, as long as you let the host know in advance that you’re bringing your own food.

I can see how it would be irritating if someone had carefully ensured that they’d catered correctly for the person on the restricted diet, and then the food was untouched because the person with the restricted diet had brought their own and ate that instead.

But that’s not the case in the scenario outlined in the OP.

Stillnotready · 04/05/2018 19:37

Like all these things, it depends. Why is your diet restricted?
Are you severely allergic?
Do you judge people’s food choices?
Are you ‘preachy’ and bang about the latest fad diet?
Perhaps your family member thinks you are attention seeking?

TryingToGetHome · 04/05/2018 19:46

I find it weird people saying it's ok for genuine medical reasons - what do you want - a note from the doctor?
Ds is wheat and dairy free - he occasionally breaks this for something he absolutely loves and he has to live with the consequences - he has been biopsied, has a genuine condition - but he is not coeliac! This approach has been approved by his GI consultant, who doesn't believe obsessively strict observance of a diet is necessary for ds...so I wouldn't dismiss people who break their diet so quickly - restrictive diets can be frustrating and dull - it's hard enough to stick to one with all the judgy pants making your life hell!

DuchyDuke · 04/05/2018 19:49

If they told you they’d cater for you but then forgot, it’s a good thing you did bring your own food!

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