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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want family time?

28 replies

AxelRose · 04/05/2018 16:24

I would really appreciate an objective perspective, please. OH is a SAHP. We have one DD, aged 7, obviously full time at school. My OH doesn’t do any paid work so my income is the household income. Additionally, we have a cleaner that comes 16 hours a week. The day to day to jobs are shared about 50/50 except for the school run and after school homework help etc as I’m at work.

I’ve been travelling for work for the last 10 days. This included a weekend away. I appreciate it can be nice to have time for yourself and I did get to explore a foreign city (on my own though, which can be a bit lonely).

I flew home on Wednesday night, long haul. I got home around 10am, had a shower and had to go straight into the office. I worked late, went for a quick drink with a colleague that was visiting from out of town. On the way home, I got around 5 increasingly irate messages asking where I was as OH wanted to go out. When I got home, she was straight out the door, with barely a word (we had spoken in the morning when I dropped my bag home though). She was out late and then spent most of the morning in bed. I got up with DD, I was knackered with jet lag, and did breakfast, homework, playtime. There was nothing in the fridge, not even milk or bread so I had to go and do a big supermarket shop. She has access to our joint accounts and there’s money available.

Then after lunch, which she ate on her own, she went out to a boat party. I asked if DD and I were invited but the answer was no (we’re in the Middle East so it’s the weekend today). I know, based on past form, that she’ll spend all day in bed tomorrow making an appearance around dinner time.

Is it fair that she wants this time to herself after I’ve been away? I feel bad for DD that we don’t do much as a family. This isn’t a one off, either. Most weekends she’ll go out with friends in the morning, exercise, brunch, come home and spend the rest of the afternoon in bed. She also spends her birthdays and NYE with friends, not us, and wanted to be with friends, last Xmas This Xmas she is doing her own thing.

So AIBU or am I a mug?

OP posts:

DougFargo · 04/05/2018 16:27

Is it fair that she wants this time to herself after I’ve been away?

Yes, it is. The rest of it is a different matter though.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 04/05/2018 16:27

I think on this occasion it's fair that she wanted some time to herself after solo parenting for 10 days. She was probably exhausted and desperate for some time to herself.

You are not generally unreasonable for wanting family time though, and if you feel the balance isn't right you should talk to her about what you need and expect from each other. But that will involve you accepting that parenting is also a job - one she can't leave behind at the end of business hours. She will need and deserve some time to herself, just as you will. But if you want to sort it out and you care about each other there will be a way

Trinity66 · 04/05/2018 16:30

It is odd the she would want to spend all those occasions away from you. Do you travel with work alot? Maybe she feels like she needs a break from childcare?

SoyDora · 04/05/2018 16:31

I understand why she would want some time to herself after 10 days solo parenting. I think if DH had got back from 10 days away then gone for a drink with a colleague the night he got back I’d be a bit peeved.
However it seems you have an issue with her not wanting to spend any time with you in general, which is what needs addressing.

Original poster

AxelRose · 04/05/2018 16:39

Ok, fair enough, it’s me.

It’s a pretty lonely existence though, to work a 60 hour week and sole parent on the weekends, except for the 4-5 weekends p.a. I’m away for work. Maybe she’s lonely too, but when I am here, she’s not.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 04/05/2018 16:41

neither of you seem happy with your arrangement. Have you tried to talk to her and see what's on her mind, see if there's anything you can change to make things better?

Original poster

AxelRose · 04/05/2018 16:43

Sorry, another question, and I’m prepared to be flamed, but she has 6 hours to herself every day when DD is at school. I’m at work during these hours and my job is very stressful. When I got home, usually around 7ish, our DD is often in bed. She’ll go straight to her room (yes, we don’t share a room) and I’ll spend my evening alone.

She parents for an hour in the morning and 4 hours in the evening. I do the weekends. I don’t think that she doesn’t get a lot of time to herself.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 04/05/2018 16:44

No its not you, she sounds like a lazy cow who has no respect or feelings for you.

A sahm to a child who is in school every day doesnt need to have a cleaner for 16hours a week!

She doesnt spend any time with you as a family or a couple. That is wrong. Who is she swanning off out with and what is she up to?

If this was a bloke doing this, Im damn sure there would be a lot more posters saying it was out of order.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 04/05/2018 16:45

It’s a pretty lonely existence though

Maybe she’s lonely too, but when I am here, she’s not.

It's perfectly possible to be lonely in the physical presence of someone. Simply being 'there' doesn't ensure loneliness recedes. Perhaps the weeks of spending so much time on her own as the sole parent takes away some of the 'shine' for the weekends.

DH here works away often. When he comes back it's hard to adjust at times and, if I'm honest, I've got so used to him not being here that when he is I struggle to adjust more than our DCs do. He's often still working when he is home, he's often still 'on' and taking calls/responding to emails and it can be exhausting trying to hold down a life and a marriage with someone who dips in and out. I'm not suggesting that our situation is a reflection of yours, but being the parent left holding the baby while the other parent goes gadding about for work can present it's own challenges.

Original poster

AxelRose · 04/05/2018 16:47

Yes, Trinity, I have. And she said she doesn’t want things to be different. I know she doesn’t love it in the Middle East but she usually goes back to the UK 3 times a year, on her own, for around 2 weeks. This is kind of the equivalent of me travelling for work?

OP posts:

KitKat1985 · 04/05/2018 16:50

In all honesty it sounds like your marriage is on the rocks. There's nothing wrong with wanting some time to yourself, but it sounds like you don't have any time together either as a couple or as a family, and that's clearly not healthy either.

You say you are in the Middle East. Are you ex pats out there? Did she want to go? A lot of people who move abroad feel very lonely and isolated and it can put a real strain on a marriage.

Crispbutty · 04/05/2018 16:51

It doesnt sound like this woman is isolated or lonely.. she seems to have a very busy and active social life. Without her husband..

Crispbutty · 04/05/2018 16:53

"Most weekends she’ll go out with friends in the morning, exercise, brunch, come home and spend the rest of the afternoon in bed. She also spends her birthdays and NYE with friends, not us, and wanted to be with friends, last Xmas This Xmas she is doing her own thing. "

This is a person who doesnt want to be in the relationship. Sorry to say it, but shes either having an affair, or wants out anyway. It sounds unfair on you, and very unfair on your child too, but this marriage is over as far as she is concerned.

Trinity66 · 04/05/2018 16:55

Yes, Trinity, I have. And she said she doesn’t want things to be different

Really? Oh that's not good. But you want things to be different and if she won't listen to that then It probably isn't going to work out :/

grasspigeons · 04/05/2018 16:55

I think she sounds depressed or resentful and not enjoying her life with you. Sorry that sounds harsh. Do you live somewhere she wouldn't want to be, is she missing a different life. I am a big supporter of SAH parents but one school age child with 16 hours of a cleaner and a partner that shares parenting shouldn't be exhausting and whilst the odd break is necessary you should want to spend time with someone you love

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 04/05/2018 17:01

Parenting alone for 10 days how exhausting!! Poor little love perhaps up the cleaners hours give the poor soul a break!!!

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 04/05/2018 17:02

When I first read this I thought it was six of one and half a dozen of another. I thought that youre working, not off on a jolly and long for family time; that she is overwrought and needs a break.

Ive changed my mind.

It sounds like shes actively avoiding you and/or family time, and if she doesnt want things to change... she just doesnt sound invested in this. Sorry- that is how it comes across to me. You sound more like a separated couple that co-exist in the same house.

You might just have to ask her straight out what it is she does want.

happypoobum · 04/05/2018 17:02

This doesn't sound like a marriage to me.

SoyDora · 04/05/2018 17:06

Neither of you are happy in your marriage as it stands, so I guess you need to figure out what you’re going to do about it.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 04/05/2018 17:10

You have a cleaner for 16 hours per WEEK?

Sounds like she punishing you for something.

Mymadworld · 04/05/2018 17:11

Aside from being pissed off that you'd gone out for drinks after 10 days away, she sounds like she's living the life of bloody Riley at your expense. Presumably you are well paid and she has access to enough money to indulge her hobbies, lunches etc - even if you did share a bed I'd say your marriage was on the rocks but separate rooms and actively avoid by,you sounds like she doesn't even like you let alone love,you anymore. I'd be seeking legal advice and looking at the implications of a divorce.

EnglishRose13 · 04/05/2018 17:42

This isn't a marriage.

This is a house share with a child in common.

ferntwist · 04/05/2018 18:08

Definitely not you OP. There’s something wrong. This isn’t fair on you or your DD.

ferntwist · 04/05/2018 18:09

How long have you been married? Sorry if I’ve missed it upthread but I couldn’t see it.

PandaPacer · 04/05/2018 18:25

I lived as an expat in Asia for a few years and saw this with some people I knew. It's like they (sometimes the wife, sometimes the husband) are back at uni, partying because there is no daily drudge or commute, and there is the atmosphere of holiday for a lot of people. Women tend to stick together because their husbands are away often, drinking all the time is the norm, help around the home is readily available, and you are flush with a high income.

I knew about 6 couple in three years who divorced. The only way some friends of mine avoided divorce was to go home and re-bond as a family in a 'normal' environment. Career or family. It's a tough choice.

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