Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that perhaps being a sahm could be harder than being a wohm for some women

30 replies

Mammalamb · 04/05/2018 12:13

I work full time over 4 days. One ds (age 2)

As I leave early in the morning to get to work, DH gets DS ready and off to nursery.

On my days off I take ds to various activities and play dates. We have a great time enjoying ourselves. One factor is that although we are not wealthy, we have enough money for activities.

Today I have a stinking cold and am staying at home with ds. I think I’m going demented. That’s just him dressed and tooth brushed at lunchtime! I’ve not managed to wash my hair and anything I’ve started doing is only half done. The house is an absolute tip. And that’s from one day at home.

When I see my friends who are off work with multiple children I actually feel a bit stressed for them!

I adore my son and normally love our time together, but being at home all the time with more than one child and not a lot of money would stress me out. At work I get lots of room to go for a break or a pee if needed, and get to have adult chat.

Aibu to say that I would find being a sahm hellish?

L

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 04/05/2018 12:17

Everyone is different and being at home with dc doesn’t suit everyone, so your not unreasonable to say you’d find it hellish.

I’ve got 3 under 3 and I choose to stay home with them, I love it. I have my own business ( I now pay someone to run it for me) and being home is definitely easier than any job I’ve ever had.

kitkatsky · 04/05/2018 12:19

I'm like you and need to work for my own sanity, but I do wish I'd been able to be part time until DD started school- I found it hard not having much time with her in week

Eatmycheese · 04/05/2018 12:22

We have three young children. By choice I’m a sahm.
When it’s good it’s very very good. When it’s bad it’s horrid.

But overall I don’t regret my decision. I think the only thing that would be worse is the pressure of having to shoehorn everything into a day including a job. I feel lucky to be able to turn that pressure cooker off

NukaColaGirl · 04/05/2018 12:22

I enjoyed being a SAHM for about 7 years. The next 2 years were Hell on Earth and I grew to despise the monotony, the thanklessness, the endless repetition of jobs through the day.

I’m studying now and love it. I struggle being at home during the holidays because it feels like such a grind.

Original poster
Mammalamb · 04/05/2018 12:23

Pink heart, how do you handle being “on” all the time? Having to keep them safe and just the relentlessness of it?

OP posts:
Tankersome · 04/05/2018 12:29

It's really down to organisation and structure.

Today was an unexpected day off. You are poorly. There was no opportunity to organise the day. So things have fallen behind.

When I was a SAHM with a baby, all my days had to be structured and planned otherwise i'd just sit and do nothing and become overwhelmed with housework piling up and boredom.

Now I work full time with a school-age child, my days still need to be planned and structured. I need to compress all of the SAHM stuff into mornings, evenings and weekends.

Both are relatively equal in terms of stress due to me being a good planner. If something happens unexpectedly though, the whole days becomes problematic.

Original poster
Mammalamb · 04/05/2018 12:32

I’m actually shocked at the mess of the house after one morning at home. It’s usually fairly tidy (or maybe I don’t notice too much as I’m only around a few hours each night during the week)

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 04/05/2018 12:34

You were sick. I’m sure if you had been well things would have been different. Forgive yourself and move on. No need to start yet another thread about SAHM vs WM

ConciseandNice · 04/05/2018 12:36

I hav five kids (2 are now adults, just) and have only spent 4 years at home and it was indeed Hell. I loved the time I spent with my daughter but I couldn’t do it again. I did go out daily to groups, we did classes. I met friends for lunch and it was very good, outgoing etc, but I do find childcare tedious in the extreme. It was bad for me, but I know that some love it. Each to their own.

kaytee87 · 04/05/2018 12:39

It depends on your child and on your work and on your partner. There's no single answer.
I usually love being at home with my ds (almost 2) but he's been extremely challenging this morning and I almost cried with relief when I put him down for his nap.
My DH would absolutely hate to stay at home but enjoys his time with ds outside of working hours.

memaymamo · 04/05/2018 12:41

I know that it's not for me. Some people love being a SAHM and are really good at it, revelling in keeping a nice house and having people for coffee and taking the kids to activities. I'm just awful at it so I'm very glad daycare is an option.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/05/2018 12:46

I work part time and my days off with the kids have structure. I actually find those days easier than weekends when each one is different so there's no routine. On weekdays there are loads of activities for pre school kids plus it's quieter everywhere.

Personally I like the balance of 3 days in work so sahp wouldn't be for me, but my friend who is one is just amazing and her kids are very lucky!

CountFosco · 04/05/2018 12:49

Absolutely. I never wanted DC, DH and I nearly broke up over it before we lived together. I only had children because DH was prepared to do his share (we both work PT) and because I earned enough for returning to work to be a no brainer (if we'd been of our parent's generation when women weren't allowed to return to work after children I would not have had kids). Maternity leave was horrendous, I hated being at home the whole time and felt so isolated (DH was out of the house 10-11h a day, no family nearby) and that I had lost myself. We had plenty of savings so I wasn't dependant on DH then but I would feel so vunerable if we were dependant on just one salary. I am so grateful to be of a generation that has the opportunity to keep working after children because I would either have missed out on having children or would have been a terrible SAHP if I'd been born 20 years earlier.

It really suits some people to be a SAHP (one of our friends is a SAHD who does loads of voluntary work, he's a real asset to the community) but it's not for me. And I think the world would be a better place if it were easier for both men and women to get the work life balance that suits them. There will be people like me who love their jobs and find them very rewarding who can't cope with the drudgery of parenthood and there are people who don't mind the drudgery and find the good parts of parenthood much more rewarding than their job ever was.

gillybeanz · 04/05/2018 13:00

Everyone is different.
I couldn't cope with doing the same job day in day out, irrespective of dc.
I think my longest has been 18 months before I'm looking for my exit.

For me being a sahm was much better. I was more relaxed and lived my life how I wanted to and had nobody to dictate to me, apart from things like nappy changes and feeds that have to be done at a certain time, and that's only when they are babies.
The freedom to come and go as I pleased, do things at my own pace and of course potter or hobbies/ interests.

My friend otoh would have gone mad at having to organise things to do in spare time, she has hardly any and is lost if not having her time dictated to her by a boss. All she can think to do is watch tv, gym, coffee with friends. She admits she has no imagination and likes her life organised to the minute.

PoisonousSmurf · 04/05/2018 13:03

It's always harder with one child. Siblings keep each other company Grin

megletthesecond · 04/05/2018 13:04

Yes, probably.

I'm ideally a SAHM type, I'm more mentally stimulated and have more interaction with people around the home than at work. It would take me years to get bored at home. Sadly I'm a LP and work PT.

lovewatchingrainfall · 04/05/2018 13:15

I have been a SAHM now for 5 years and yes I find it hellish. I gave up a lovely job to look after my eldest due to her health needs and it's bloody hard work being switched on all the time. Her younger sister is also a handful. My DH works 12hour shifts so I can look after the girls and we have no spare money once all bills are paid etc. We have a £40 entertainment budget for the girls for the month so once that's gone it's hard. I love the summer so we can go out in the sunshine etc. It is hard but I think once the youngest is at school I go back out into the world. And have hot drinks and pee in peace

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 04/05/2018 13:33

When we first adopted the DC I was at home for about 7 months, although they were at school so I wasn't spending the whole day with them. They couldn't manage play dates then or many activities after school apart from the park, so I found it very hard. DH was working full time then and often not back until 7. I was looking forward to going back to work. A few months later DH's company moved out of london which made the commute about 2 hours each way. He decided to leave and is now a SAHD. We are lucky in that we can manage on my salary. Being at home suits him and the kids, and working suits me, plus I am a teacher so I am off in the holidays. If the roles were reversed I think we would both be miserable.

Peakypush · 04/05/2018 13:41

You're not unreasonable! I'm SAHM at the minute and I'm going stir crazy with it! My youngest is only 5 months though so I don't want to put her into childcare anytime soon so I'll just keep plodding away for a while. My oldest is only 20 months so it's full on with the two of them, someone is always crying (I feel like joining in with them a lot Sad) and it's just so tedious and boring. I'm lucky I have the choice to stay at home I suppose but sometimes I wish I didn't have the choice so I'd get to go back to work without the guilt... well not exactly "without" guilt as I know many mums do feel guilty when they have to go back, but with less guilt if you know what I mean?

GreenStars · 04/05/2018 13:45

Mine is 10 months and beyond difficult. She is really miserable and cries all the time regardless of what we're doing. I start work again in 2 weeks and I know despite the logistical difficulties it will be incomparably easier on me mentally.

RedSkyAtNight · 04/05/2018 13:45

I'm not sure you can judge anything on 1 day when you were ill.
How would you have got on if you'd gone to work feeling like you do now?

justanotheruser18 · 04/05/2018 13:49

YANBU.
I'm currently on maternity leave. Days can feel so long, when they are spent chasing after a mobile baby who only wants to do whatever is closest to him in the moment that is likely to cause some sort of injury. Or sitting in a pile of toys. Or not doing the ever growing pile of household chores that need doing

I feel bad saying I'm bored. But I am bored. I can't just put the tv or play the piano or go on my phone (except now because he's napping) whenever I want.

I wanted to be a mother so much and I know I'm good at it.. some of the time, but as my baby has grown from a helpless little bundle into a real person with endless energy and a powerful will and an explorative nature beyond anything I ever imagined, I need the best of both. I need to get out in the world and contribute a little to my family's income. I probably bore the hell out of him. I doubt I'm enough. So I don't think I'll be doing this again, having another baby. I don't think I could look after more than one child long term. Forever. I'm lucky that my darling boy is healthy and well and bright and doing all the things he should be doing. I worry about uncertainties, I worry about colds and sleepless nights.

I know a woman who stays at home with two sets of twins.. 3 and 1. She's a super hero. I'm merely mortal. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe because my child is a singular child it's harder.. but i doubt it.

I'm going back to work in a few months and I'm sure I'll miss these days terribly but I

justanotheruser18 · 04/05/2018 13:50

@gillybeanz but how do you get to do all those things as you please with children? And doing the house hold stuff?

justanotheruser18 · 04/05/2018 13:52

*know that I can't stay home day in and day out for the next four years.

stevie69 · 04/05/2018 13:56

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. But ..... the world don't move to the beat of just one drum: different strokes and all that.

I hate being at home during the day and really don't like the very odd occasion when I have to work at home. But one person's heaven is another person's hell Blush

Swipe left for the next trending thread