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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU TO throw all her junk onto her bed?

117 replies

WestEndVBroadway · 03/05/2018 20:50

Really fed up with trying to get my DD to tidy her room . I just found 6 (yes 6) pairs of pyjamas on her bedroom floor or thrown on a chair. Her dressing table and chest of drawers were littered with odds and sods and rubbish such as crisp wrappers and tissues. I just scooped up everything that should not have been there, and dumped it in her bed. She is now sulking that I touched her stuff. I told her that as she HAS to tidy up now she may as well do it properly.

OP posts:

helpconfused · 04/05/2018 13:46

Yep we also had the black bag.

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 13:49

I think if she's been told to tidy her room and doesn't, then she doesn't deserve the privacy.

Well I think that's shit. The very nature of privacy means that I can arrange my possessions in alphabetical order or as a visible embodiment of Dadaism if I so choose. You don't have to like it, but it's private. If it's not affecting anyone else in the house, it's none of your damn business. One doesn't lose their right to privacy just because you disapprove of how they utilise the space.

If she kept it tidy, then the op wouldn't have to go in there. She had a choice and these are her consequences. The op isn't snooping, she's doing housework... In her house. That she pays for.

If the kid is not keeping her room clean, that is another matter because it affects others. Tidiness affects nobody else. It's none of your bloody business.

The whole 'I pay the bills' stuff is irrelevant. You don't get to hold that over someone when it's your choice that they're there, and they legally cannot make a contribution.

Lethaldrizzle · 04/05/2018 13:51

Rooms have doors for a reason. Just shut it and relax

MargoLovebutter · 04/05/2018 13:59

Nesssie, of course a mum has the right to go in any room of her own home - no one is saying she doesn't. Some of us are trying to say that this is not a battle you need to have and that by leaving them to it, they either have to live in their own pit, with all the consequences that this entails or tidy it up themselves.

To those who have teens who can't cook or don't pull their weight - whose fault is that? My DC have had to be self-reliant because I work full-time. During the holidays if they don't make their own food, they go hungry. They have the skills because I showed them what to do! They also assist with housework during the schools holidays and the cooking - because they have more time available than I do. These are conversations that we have as a family and they know that the consequences of me being knackered because I have had to do all the household jobs means that I don't have the energy to pick them up from parties or take them shopping or all the things they want to do!

I don't think I've ever had so much bargaining power as a parent as I do with teenagers!!!!!!

As someone else said rooms have doors for a reason. Why get in a stew about something that doesn't matter and you can close the door on?

TeenTimesTwo · 04/05/2018 14:37

To those who have teens who can't cook or don't pull their weight - whose fault is that?

My DD has dyspraxia (poor organisational and motor skills), but also shaky mental health due to early childhood trauma. For right or wrong, we decided not to push things. Sadly she has an out with BF, and we would rather she were safe under our roof than living with his parents as we believe long term it will be better for her.

Once a DC gets to 17/18 parents have very little leverage. Especially if that teen has other living options available.

MargoLovebutter · 04/05/2018 14:57

My DS is ASD, dyslexic and dyspraxic and has a 48 page document listing all his specific learning difficulties - he still needs to be able to cook and pull his weight. He knows that I'll help him as much as I can but he has to help me back - it is a two way street. Same goes for completely NT DD. I've been teaching them basic cooking skills since they were tiny because I think being able to feed yourself is a really important life skill. Same as we had to all tidy up the playroom together at the end of the day, since they were toddlers. DD is a messy tramp in her room but not the rest of the house & I know that she knows how to clean and tidy, she just chooses not to most of the time in her skanky pit of a room.

Apologies, I probably sound harsh. I don't mean to and I know every child is different. I need wine and a bank holiday weekend!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 04/05/2018 15:05

At 16 it might well be her room but I expect it’s still her mum who is re-washing all the pyjamas that are put back in the washing clean as said 16 year old can’t be arsed putting them away.

I suspect it’ll be mum who will have to sort it if she gets bugs of some description in her room because she’s leaving food up there.

MyMarmitePurrs · 04/05/2018 15:29

I have a 16yr old DD - and believe me you would need a full HazChem suit to go in her room - so I don't !! If she wants to live in a shit tip then its up to her, but when she wails "Mum I've got no clean jeans for college!!!" My standard answer is "Well did you bring them downstairs to go in the wash ? - No ! Then not my fault ! You'll have to wear the pair you wore for 3 hours yesterday but now deemed dirty !!!!!" Code for can't be arsed to put them away when taken off - far easier to just dump as needing washing !!!

TeenTimesTwo · 04/05/2018 15:40

Margo every child is different
This is the nub of it. We absolutely aren't where we would have liked to be. But various circumstances have meant we have had to make compromises to prevent even worse outcomes.

RavenLG · 04/05/2018 15:42

I have a 16yr old DD - and believe me you would need a full HazChem suit to go in her room

My mum could have wrote that about my at 16. I was a pig. A full on grotty disgusting tramp of a child (we're talking mouldy coke cans, plates with food on left rotting for days/weeks, I was the epitome of disgusting). Apart from freaking out every few days about plates, my parents would leave me to it. Yes my room was bloody horendous, but I did well in school, worked, studies, was respectful to other areas of the house. Now as an adult who owns a house (and even when I rented) I'm tidier and cleaner than they ever were. It's a phase. Taking your stuff is one thing, but just leave her to it. At 16 she should be doing all her own washing imo anyway.

howabout · 04/05/2018 15:45

I agree with "my house my rules". Academic question for me as my 2 teenage DDs share and the neat freak has her own methods for keeping her mess magnate sibling in check.

My own DM didn't go into my room or expect me to tidy it. Made me feel slightly neglected rather than respected.

If you are in the camp of not going into teen's room do they reciprocate?

TheNoseyProject · 04/05/2018 15:46

If she’s leaving food stuffs in there and other people’s things then it’s still the OPs business. If it was just her stuff then fine but you can’t have her attracting vermin or hording the crockery of other’s belongings.

By 16 surely you’re getting past living like this and growing up?

Likejellytots88 · 04/05/2018 15:57

This is my go to as well. We have a deal with my 2 DSS (14 & 10) that their room is their responsibility and I will only ever go in there to hoover or change the sheets. Its only a small room, if they don't tidy up you cannot move so if I go in to hoover and there's crap on the floor I will move it onto the beds so I can hoover and usually leave a note to say put everything away please.
We give them the weekend to tidy and either me or DP will go and check on Sunday evening, if its still a mess they get a bollocking from their dad and he watches while they clean up - its usually food wrappers and smelly clothes but last week I did find sweets all over the floor like they'd just been tipped over and I was half tempted to put them back in the tub (with floor fluff and everything) but then decided to just throw all sweets/chocolates they have stashed up there in the bin - it won't win me any brownie points with them but at least there won't be moldy food in the house attracting god knows what! And a new rule of no food/drinks upstairs!

Original poster

WestEndVBroadway · 04/05/2018 16:46

Shineyshooney I actually do usually respect her room.I knock before I go in, or if I ask her where my items that she has taken are she will tell me to go in and find them. If she has gone to college or is out with her mates, but has not returned my hair staighteners , make up or wherever I believe I should be entitled to go and retrieve them. I have a brilliant
relationship with my DD, but I still expect her to pull her weight.

OP posts:

Original poster

WestEndVBroadway · 04/05/2018 16:55

Sorry, Shiny not Shiney!

OP posts:

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 04/05/2018 17:03

Difficult. My mum was such a drag when I was 16, so was my dad, there was no where to go, she used to come into my room, tidy it and throw my pot away in my bin where I would retrieve it to smoke out the bathroom window. We had storming rows and I ran away from home after that. It's a tough time for both of you. We never got over those teenage years though, they were so damaging those fights that that was the end really of my mum and I.

Almostfifty · 04/05/2018 17:11

floot would a three quarter double work?

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