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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU TO throw all her junk onto her bed?

117 replies

WestEndVBroadway · 03/05/2018 20:50

Really fed up with trying to get my DD to tidy her room . I just found 6 (yes 6) pairs of pyjamas on her bedroom floor or thrown on a chair. Her dressing table and chest of drawers were littered with odds and sods and rubbish such as crisp wrappers and tissues. I just scooped up everything that should not have been there, and dumped it in her bed. She is now sulking that I touched her stuff. I told her that as she HAS to tidy up now she may as well do it properly.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 04/05/2018 10:37

My gran used to throw her daughters' stuff down the cellar steps if they didn't clear it up. She didn't have time to clear up after seven of them. I think putting it on the bed is pretty damn reasonable.

pinkflamingo121318 · 04/05/2018 10:40

My mum used to tidy my bedroom until I was around 12-13 maybe? I loved coming home to it being tidy and it always looked great.

After she caught on to me not tidying it because I knew eventually she'd do it.. she would go around my room and dump everything on my bed that was out of place.

I actually didn't mind because it was a lot easier for me to do that.

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 10:43

Floottoot, that's some quite significant building work that would be going on there. I was thinking more in line of new carpet and paints. If there's nothing wrong with the room (and it doesn't sound as though there is) then personally I think you're completely within your rights to say no on that one.

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 10:44

If they're leaving a mess in communal spaces, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting it into their room, on the floor or the bed, so it's in their space and they can deal with it however they want.

I have a huge issue with just walking into their bedroom and throwing things around inside it (or, worse, stealing and destroying them) because you don't like where they've put them.

Justgimmeit · 04/05/2018 10:47

I don't think yabu at all. I agree with "my house my rules".
I like all of the house to be clean and tidy, letting teenagers treat their bedroom like a tip isn't helpful for anyone. Dirty clothes belong in the hamper, clean clothes in wardrobe and rubbish in bin, it's not asking for much.

BMW6 · 04/05/2018 10:56

Hmm having read your update that she goes into your room and takes things of yours.......I think I'd sit down with her and try to come to a mutual agreement.
Either you BOTH respect each others space and stay out of each others bedrooms entirely, and leave each others things alone, or you will continue to act as you see fit as the homeowner and parent.

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 11:16

She should certainly respect your space too.

Lethaldrizzle · 04/05/2018 11:22

Teenagers bedroom is a no go zone as far as I'm concerned. If they want to live in a shit heap that's their problem

ShinyShooney · 04/05/2018 11:24

Maybe if you'd have taught her better as a child she would be tidier now?

It's her room you can't go in it because she goes in yours- you're supposed to be the parent. Now wonder she doesn't respect your privacy if you don't respect hers. Leave her room alone but anything around the house is up for grabs.

WestEndVBroadway · 04/05/2018 11:40

I totally get the bit about teens rebelling against strict parenting. I am certainly not over strict with her. She has loads of freedom in over areas, in fact her friends think I am a legend (their words) because I let her have freedom. But while I agree I should respect her space, I would like to think that she also respects her own things.

OP posts:
forceslover · 04/05/2018 12:01

An empty nest is far worse than an untidy room. I miss my eldest massively even though she is only away at Uni but in reality will now only "visit". I miss her desperately and would love to be telling her to tidy her room and bring down the cups. 😔

MargoLovebutter · 04/05/2018 12:13

Aw, forceslover I know that's how I'm going to feel too. DS is due to go to uni in the Autumn and I already miss him!!!! When DD goes too, I know that I won't enjoy my super tidy home more because her mess is now tidy, I will just miss her. I can't imagine coming home after work and not having them to natter to - well I can and it isn't a good thought at at all.

lunaraygreentree · 04/05/2018 12:55

My room was never a mess as such but I had ' I

TeenTimesTwo · 04/05/2018 12:59

YANBU.
But you say she is 16.
If she is y11 now is not the time to have arguments over the state of a room. Offer to help her tidy it maybe, but no more. Argue all you like once GCSEs are over.

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/05/2018 13:01

I hated when my mum would do this-i was messy but not dirty and it just felt like such an invasion, like she just saw me as an extension of her rather than a person in my own right.

I moved out at 17 and never contemplated going back.

Nesssie · 04/05/2018 13:03

I pay the mortgage and bills so I would like to think that I should have some say in how the room is kept

^This.

I was a messy teenager, my mum use to put everything on my bed so I would have to tidy. Yes it was briefly annoying but it worked. No hard feelings, didn't turn me rebellious.
And I honestly don't believe in all that privacy now she's a growing woman crap. As long as you aren't reading her diary, you have every right to go in her room. I'm sure she doesn't complain about you entering her room when you are putting away her freshly washed/ironed clothes...?
If she kept it tidy, you wouldn't have to go in there...

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 13:09

I honestly don't believe in all that privacy now she's a growing woman crap.

How ignorant, offensive and short sighted. You don't think young people entering adulthood deserve privacy?

As long as you aren't reading her diary, you have every right to go in her room.

If I promise not to read your diary, is it ok to go into your room without permission? Can you be sure I won't read your diary if I think I've got that right? What about your love letters? Your vibrators? Is it ok to go into your space as long as I respect the bits I choose? The bits I dictate you're allowed to have?

reetgood · 04/05/2018 13:28

like she just saw me as an extension of her rather than a person in my own right.

This. Very much this.

WestEndVBroadway · 04/05/2018 13:29

TeenTimesTwoShe is at college already (summer birthday)It is really hard when they are that age, because they want to be treated like adults when it suits them; but are quick to argue that they are a teenager and so will act accordingly.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 04/05/2018 13:37

OP. I'm with you there. I have an 18yo who claims she is an adult. Yet can't cook for herself, or look after her general health, or prioritise time to do any jobs around the house ....

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 13:42

It is really hard when they are that age, because they want to be treated like adults when it suits them; but are quick to argue that they are a teenager and so will act accordingly.

It IS a really hard age, because they are adults in a physical sense, and transitioning children in an emotional sense. Teenagers are a pain in the bum because being a teenager is generally pretty shit. No parent always gets it right, especially when it comes to the teen years. But privacy is a pretty basic thing, and it is tied up with autonomy, respect and self.

I know it can be frustrating knowing there's a bomb site in the house, but ultimately it's private space. If it affects others - if they start leaving their mess in communal areas, or they're actually dirty and risk mould, smell or infestation, then yes, you have a right to take action if they really won't do it themselves. If it really is just as simple as 'I don't like the way they keep things in their personal space', then get over yourselves. As the song goes, your sons and your daughters are beyond your command. They're not you, they're themselves. If the worst you get in teenage rebellion is a messy room, you have won at parenting.

I am frankly appalled that anyone could be so scornful as to dismiss an adolescent's desire for private space as 'crap'. Not surprised, of course, because of the number of people who parent their teenagers based on point scoring and face saving, but still appalled. Imagine, at the difficult age of 15, being told that your private space could be invaded at any time because it's just 'growing woman crap'.

I do agree with PPs that when parents don't accept heir adolescent children's right to private space, it's because they still think of their children as extensions of themselves.

Nesssie · 04/05/2018 13:42

PoorYorick
I think if she's been told to tidy her room and doesn't, then she doesn't deserve the privacy. If she kept it tidy, then the op wouldn't have to go in there. She had a choice and these are her consequences. The op isn't snooping, she's doing housework... In her house. That she pays for.

RickOShay · 04/05/2018 13:44

I need to remember that if i can’t find anything it’s probably in 16 yo dd’s room.
Oh hello jar of peanut butter Grin
I let her get on with it. It is breathtakingly horrific though.

RickOShay · 04/05/2018 13:45

I

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 13:45

If my mother had thrown all my possessions on to my bed, I'd have just plonked them back wherever I wanted them. If it was late and I was tired, I'd just move the pile on to the floor.

However, although my parents did not respect my space (my father was a delightful man and I'm sure he thought young women's need for privacy away from him was just so much 'crap' too), they did not go into my room to throw my possessions around, or steal and destroy them.

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