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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude and presumptuous?

51 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 03/05/2018 17:02

I’m sure I’m not unreasonable but I thought I’d ask for opinions!

It is rude and presumptuous to drive to somebody’s house, ring them up and say “I’m outside can you come outside and see me? I haven’t seen you in over a week!” Right? Especially when you know that at 4pm, the person you’ve rocked up to see has just got in from the school run and is likely to just be starting to cook tea. And also when you know that person is also heavily pregnant, exhausted AND overdue to boot?!

It’s my mum. She does this all the time! Will appear outside my house about 4pm and demand that I go outside to see her. She’s very overweight/disabled so she struggles to get out the car to come to the house. I’ve just upset her because she asked me to go outside and I said no because of the above reasons I mentioned, pregnant/tired/cooking. She then said she’d come in for a few minutes so I sighed and said “If you must, but I am busy!” (So no time to entertain her really!) and she snapped “Fine! I won’t bother!” And hung up Hmm

FWIW we’re seeing her on Sunday so it’s not like she’s going to have to wait for weeks until she sees us, just 3 more days Confused

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 03/05/2018 17:08

Just keep saying no when she rocks up. You have to train her a bit. If she gets no purchase every time she rocks up, she'll stop at some point.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 03/05/2018 17:10

It would drive me mad. Can't you arrange to see each other at a different time?

Love51 · 03/05/2018 17:12

Tell her. Become a true MNer and explain you don't like uninvited guests.
Or, get her to start doing the school run (could she, by car perhaps?)

blueheaven97 · 03/05/2018 17:23

Can't you just suggest that she calls ahead in future so you can arrange times that suit you both?

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 03/05/2018 17:51

She did used to come for tea once a week but it had to stop when we renovated our living room and there was nowhere for her to sit. She does visit every other week or so but I’ve told her I’m too tired for visitors now.

She can’t do the school run because she can’t walk that far or stand for that long, and DD is only 6 so the kids queue up and get let out when they see their adult.

OP posts:
Ediemccreedy · 03/05/2018 22:20

For goodness sake she's your mother, she wants to see you because she loves you. She just wants to be part of your life.

Breakfastofmilk · 03/05/2018 22:46

For goodness sake she's your mother, she wants to see you because she loves you. She just wants to be part of your life.

If she loves the OP so much why can't she be considerate of her needs and not expect a heavily pregnant woman to dash out of her house to see her in the middle of cooking dinner?

Beamur · 03/05/2018 22:51

I think you're being a bit mean. Curious though as to why she does this? Does she just want to see you briefly?

anniemagoo · 03/05/2018 22:57

Your mum obviously wants to see you. I presume you're at work all day so she knows this is when you're home.

Can't you just pop outside for 5 minutes? Or invite her in?

anniemagoo · 03/05/2018 22:58

And I give this advice as someone who works and has DC and also has a disabled mother who drives me crazy !

Idontdowindows · 03/05/2018 23:19

Can't you just pop outside for 5 minutes? Or invite her in?

OP explained in her very first post why she couldn't do that.....

Beamur · 04/05/2018 14:39

You actually sound really unwelcoming. You've renovated your lounge so she can't come in, you know how difficult it is for her to move, so when she does agree to make the effort to do so, she obviously can hear how tedious you find it.
It sounds like your Mum is desperate for the small crumbs of company you offer her.

Eliza9917 · 04/05/2018 14:46

How does your living room have no where for her to sit?

Have you just got two chairs in there and make your kids sit on the floor?

justabunchofbunting · 04/05/2018 14:46

YANBU

I dont really know what other posters are on about at all?
My mum would never just rock up to my house nor me to hers... its really rude and invasive.
What is actually stopping her from ringing you to ask when is a good time to meet up?
And what is actually stopping her from thinking 'oh my daughter is heavily pregnant right now and still working and may be very tired at the moment so she may not want to hang out as much'
I mean shes a grown woman! And shes the mother!

I hope I dont ever turn into this with my kids... Although I seriously doubt i will forget how stressful and tiring it is to be pregnant and how little I wanted visitors even if they were people I loved.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 04/05/2018 17:31

Well the sofa was outside wrapped in plastic. In the evenings after we’d eaten we all went upstairs and spent the evening lounging on mine and DHs big bed. It’s all done now but we just haven’t got back into the routine of her coming once a week again.

I have literally no problem with her coming round, prearranged. She knows I’ll be busy sorting tea yet she still turns up unannounced. The food got burnt and ruined a few weeks ago when she did it and kept me talking outside for ages.

I don’t work, I’m home all the time but she lives American hours (plays a online computer games with Americans) so she generally sleeps all day until late afternoon and stays up all night gaming. Plus she likes to come early evening to see DD when she’s home from school.

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 17:35

Just call her and say “Mum I love you and want to see you but 4pm is a really inconvenient time, you need to stop coming then. I’ll look forward to seeing you in Sunday”

chickenowner · 04/05/2018 17:37

This would drive me insane. It sounds very controlling and would probably make me want to draw all the curtains and pretend not to be at home!

I think you need to talk to your Mum about it, and explain that it's just not on.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/05/2018 17:40

Eh? Your mum used to come and sit on yours and dp's bed with you? Or outside on the plastic wrapped sofa?! Odd.

I do think you should tell her that you want to see her but 4pm is a bad time.

blueskyinmarch · 04/05/2018 17:51

I think when the sitting room was being done the sofa was outside and they sat on the bed. The room is done now so there is somewhere she can sit.

OP just start the weekly tea visits again?

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 04/05/2018 17:52

Nooo she had to stop coming when we renovated the living room, because the sofa was outside. We had floorboards up, bare brick walls, and the room was full of building gear. The ‘we’ on the bed I referred to was me, DH and DD. I should have clarified that better Blush

OP posts:
Claire90ftm · 04/05/2018 18:53

She is being very unreasonable! I would be pissed. You've told her it's not a good time, you'd think she'd be considerate. As it is, what does she expect when she turns up, uninvited at such an awkward time? Tough sh*t tbh.

daphneduck · 04/05/2018 18:59

She kept you talking outside and you burnt the dinner....

Why the hell didn’t you just invite her in???

Powerglide · 04/05/2018 19:02

She then said she’d come in for a few minutes so I sighed and said “If you must, but I am busy!”

That’s pretty horrible, and I’d never speak to my mum like that ever.

Fast forward a few years and you might regret how you treated her when you’re children are too busy to see you.

NCJaneDoeNut · 04/05/2018 19:02

So is the living room done now?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2018 19:04

She’s being very inconsiderate. She can best show her love for you by respecting the hours you keep and making life easier for you while you’re juggling a lot, pregnant and exhausted.

You’re not lucky and sharing DNA with the woman doesn’t give her the right to take the piss.

Keep making plans that shit YOU. You see her often already.

Her huffiness when she’s the one being unreasonable and selfish will make you less and less likely to want to pander to you.