Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude and presumptuous?

51 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 03/05/2018 17:02

I’m sure I’m not unreasonable but I thought I’d ask for opinions!

It is rude and presumptuous to drive to somebody’s house, ring them up and say “I’m outside can you come outside and see me? I haven’t seen you in over a week!” Right? Especially when you know that at 4pm, the person you’ve rocked up to see has just got in from the school run and is likely to just be starting to cook tea. And also when you know that person is also heavily pregnant, exhausted AND overdue to boot?!

It’s my mum. She does this all the time! Will appear outside my house about 4pm and demand that I go outside to see her. She’s very overweight/disabled so she struggles to get out the car to come to the house. I’ve just upset her because she asked me to go outside and I said no because of the above reasons I mentioned, pregnant/tired/cooking. She then said she’d come in for a few minutes so I sighed and said “If you must, but I am busy!” (So no time to entertain her really!) and she snapped “Fine! I won’t bother!” And hung up Hmm

FWIW we’re seeing her on Sunday so it’s not like she’s going to have to wait for weeks until she sees us, just 3 more days Confused

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/05/2018 19:11

It's amazing how many people can't read the OP's very clear posts.

By all means get back in the routine of your mum coming once a week, but really, if she was that desperate to see you she could always take a night off from gaming and visit you at a reasonable time.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 04/05/2018 19:14

Are you overwhelmed? it just seems like one night out of seven you could turn the grill off and pop outside and talk to your mum? I wonder why your schedule is so critical?

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 19:22

it just seems like one night out of seven you could turn the grill off and pop outside and talk to your mum?

OP is seeing her mum on Sunday. It's right there in the very first post!

Qcumber · 04/05/2018 19:45

I can see both sides of this. I get it's annoying when people just turn up at inconvenient times and expect your full attention. And I think it depends on what your relationship with your mother is like.
I am very close to my mum. If she turned up unannounced just to see me and DD I would welcome her in and then just carry on what I was doing. I wouldn't feel the need to 'entertain' her. She would just stand with me in the kitchen in play with DD while I finished. But if your relationship is strained it may be more awkward.
I think what you said to her was harsh. 'If you must' makes it sound like you think she's a burden so I'm not surprised it upset her.
I think you should apologise for snapping at her and tell her you struggle with random pop in visits but you would love to see her more. Then arrange some times that suit you.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 04/05/2018 19:58

Yes - I read that she is seeing Sunday but if someone in my family said ‘if you must’ rather than ‘it’s good to see you’ I would be deeply hurt. In the moment harshness rather than a gentle hint once she was settled in the house that you could have real quality time if she called ahead.

I suspect I sound a bit sanctimonious- but I am trying to repair some relationships at the moment, it’s hard and I wish I had taken more care in the first place

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 20:25

I would be deeply hurt

The OP told her mother she was too tired for visitors now.

If it hurts you that you get dismissed if you rock up to your daughters house after she has already told you that she is too tired for visitors then the hurt is all your own fault.

OP has said she's too tired for visitors. OP's mother chooses to rock up to the door anyway. OP explains again, she has no time. OP's mother chooses to try to force the issue anyway.

OP is also seeing her mother on Sunday. Not next year, not even next month, but in a few days time.

Sure, sure, go ahead, feel hurt, but under these circumstances it is all OP's mother's own doing. Not OP's. OP is not cruel, she is not unkind, she is not neglecting her mother.

FeralBeryl · 04/05/2018 20:39

Oh god I was right with you about standing outside until 'If you must' Sad that's really sad and hurtful. I know how pissed off you must feel atm but come on.
Surely your mum could have sat with DD while you cooked the tea for 10 mins?
I think you owe her an apology here. Also, invite her round if you've got the couch back, she has missed you! She loves you.
By all means tell her how rotten you feel, ask her to help (in ways she physically can) but please don't make her feel so unwelcome unless you have a massive backstory.

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 21:06

I think you owe her an apology here.

Really? So the OP, who has already told her mother she was too tired for visitors, who has explained to her mother that she comes at an inopportune time and who already has arranged to meet her mother on Sunday should apologise for... what?

Mum should apologise for showing up despite being told it's not a good time!

FeralBeryl · 04/05/2018 21:12

@Idontdowindows yes, that's exactly what I meant.
Firstly, she's not a visitor - she's her mum. Her mum, who it sounds like she has a pretty good relationship with, who wouldn't care if she was bollocko cooking the tea and not particularly chatty, not someone who she'd have to politely entertain with the best china.
Secondly, there are ways of expressing your thoughts without being hurtful to people you love.
If she really didn't want her to come in, fine. But say it kindly.

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 21:39

So after the OP has made it very clear that no, she does not want visitors at 4pm on a weekday because she's overdue, tired and is cooking food for the family, and she will be happy to see her mother on Sunday, you feel it is UNKIND when she tells her mother who shows up unannounced against every one of OP's wishes, that it is not a good time? Really? You don't think the OP's mother is unkind for being so dismissive of her daughter's circumstances and wishes?

And mothers are visitors too. OP does not share the house with her mother, her mother is visiting. People who are visiting are visitors. That's how language works.

I find it incredible that a heavily pregnant and overdue tired OP who has made her wishes very clear to a mother who games the night away and sleeps during the day, and who is sticking to her own wishes for herself in the last legs of her overdue pregnancy is being painted as some motherhating nasty person here.

FeralBeryl · 04/05/2018 21:52

Unless you're the OP, I really don't understand what you're getting so wound up about - yes, I do think her comments were UNKIND. I have explained why.
You have your opinion, I have mine.

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 21:58

I'm not wound up, I'm incredulous.

Plumsofwrath · 04/05/2018 22:05

Sounds like she wants to be part of the hustle and bustle of after school and tea etc.

Why not fix one day a week when she can come and sit in your newly renovated lounge with your DD while you shuffle about getting dinner ready?

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/05/2018 22:25

Agree with Qcumber.
See both sides.
However, I do feel you could have invited mum in for a cuppa and chat whilst you prepared dinner (or left dinner prep for 30 mins.)

PinotMwah · 04/05/2018 22:40

I agree with you OP but this topic is very polarising: there are two types of people in this world, the people who like to pull the drawbridge up and not be bothered at all at home if its not scheduled (I'm in this camp) and the "can I just pop round for a cuppa?" camp.

Personally I find the idea that you impose yourself on other people without considering their schedules, needs, health etc incredibly presumptuous. But a lot of people find this incredibly mean and unneighbourly.

Leaving this aside you and your DM do appear to have a fairly unhealthy relationship. Why would she come over in full knowledge that its going to be highly difficult and impractical for her to come in?

MynameisJune · 04/05/2018 22:43

I can see both sides of this, my Mum often drives me crazy but there is no way I’d speak to her like you did.

Also as a Mum myself I’d be absolutely gutted if my DD spoke to me that way and made me feel such an inconvenience.

I’m not condoning what she is doing coming around unannounced (although my mum is the only one I don’t mind doing that) but you could have been kinder to her about it.

TheBigFatMermaid · 04/05/2018 23:00

I am a mother to an adult daughter, I am also, as it happens, obese and disabled. However, I would not go to her house, ring and demand to have her come out to me. I do visit, pre-arranged visits, you know, when I know I am welcome!

We chat most days, mostly via messenger live chat, so my 2 year old DGD can join in, that is great. Would that kind of contact, that can be cut short by say, needing the loo, work for you?

If she can make it into your house for visits when arranged, why can she suddenly not make it when she turns up unexpectedly?

Fatted · 04/05/2018 23:15

Urgh, I hate unexpected visitors, even if it is my parents. It's so rude! I have a key to my parents, they have one for our house, but still none of us would ever consider turning up and letting ourselves in without a quick call or text.

My MIL used to do this - She would drive up to our house and wouldn't come inside because of her bad hip. I still don't see how walking a few feet up the driveway would make any difference but never mind!

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 05/05/2018 00:35

Urgh okay I didn’t want to have to dripfeed like this, but this is exactly what my mum is like. My sister is also pregnant, several weeks behind me and a few weeks ago she was in hospital for a fortnight, severely ill with E.Coli, she was pretty out of it, slept constantly and had quite a lot of stomach pain. She told us all not to bother visiting as she was extremely tired and very poorly, and she didn’t want a fuss etc. When she was in hospital, my mum rang me and asked if I wanted to go visit my sister, me, stupidly assuming that she had cleared it with Dsis, agreed, so off we went to the hospital.

Turned up at the ward, the nurse asked who we were visiting and my mum goes ”X, but don’t tell her we’re here as I wanted to surprise her.” I was mortified and grovelled to my sister later on, and explained I thought she knew. Poor Dsis was just like “Oh it’s fine, I half expected her to turn up anyway, you know what she’s like.” I felt bloody awful :(

My mum is very hard work sometimes. She’s selfish with her wants and gets upset if you criticise her in any way. My dad once described her as the most selfish person he’d ever met and as I’ve gotten older I can definitely see his POV and I understand why he left her.

If she had come in the house, she would expect to be entertained, she’d want me to drop everything to sit and talk to her for however long she was here. I do try and arranged to see her often but I’m so bloody exhausted recently I just don’t have the energy for her.

OP posts:
Qcumber · 05/05/2018 07:46

@AintNobodyHereButUsChickens
I think that info does make a difference. The relationship with your DM and how she expects you to act around her make a difference. So I'm changing my vote to YANBU.
Maybe a chat, you could make it about the new baby 'Mum I'm sure you know how busy it is with a newborn and another child. I'm going to be unavailable a lot so if you'd like to see us you'll have to let us know in advance'

Juiceylucy09 · 05/05/2018 08:19

I definitely see your point OP. If your Mam can't arrange her timing around her UK family instead of in her terms after sleeping all morning.

I would say seriously Mam can you prearrange a better time to visit.

She's acting like a child. It's rude to presume you can drop everything at that time of the day.
Yanbu.

LearnFromThePast · 05/05/2018 08:31

I think part of the issue sometimes is that people who are replying have close relationships with their mothers and then others have more strained ones that can be built on emotional blackmail or selfishness etc.

If a friend had ignored a message saying how tired and busy the OP was then people would most likely say that person was being unreasonable. Being someone’s mother does not give license to behave exactly as you would like.

It has been said that the mother comes around when it suits her. She expects to be entertained so couldn’t just sit there happily while OP cooked dinner. Plus OP is seeing her on Sunday.

I am not close to my mother and so once a week would be plenty for me as I also want to spend time with my husband and friends during the week. As it is, I only see her maybe every three months or so as she is a bit like OP’s Mum and expects me to drop everything when it suits her and I have started to refuse to do it and she is very inflexible.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 05/05/2018 10:15

Okay I was pretty much over it, until this morning when I woke up to this email from her. This has just pissed me off so much.

To think this is rude and presumptuous?
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2018 12:06

Of ffs. I don’t blame you at all OP. I’d ignore the message!

RandomMess · 05/05/2018 12:13

Urgh!!! I would be so pissed of too.