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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my manager

34 replies

SecretSantaaaaaa · 03/05/2018 13:30

I am a gay female (it is relevant) who has recently (I say recently, about a year ago) been promoted to a senior level.

I manage one floor of staff whilst she and another supervisor manage the lower floor. It's a fairly small office but very busy.

My girlfriend and I have been considering IVF/IUI for a very long time but have never spoken about it to anyone. However we have been saving and have been referred now.

My question is, do I tell my manager to prepare her, she has no idea about it and I don't think she has ever considered the fact I may eventually have children.

I just feel bad because the timing is wrong, we have just won a huge contract. I am also unsure about discussing it when it may not even work (We can only afford one cycle).

We do have a close relationship so I feel like I should give her the heads up but would I be unreasonable not to tell her until (IF) I get pregnant?

I have a lot of appointments coming up including blood tests on the first day pf my period (which I can't 100% predict) so am going to need time off work also. Without telling her the truth this would be difficult to keep covering up.

If it doesn't work, I am not sure I want that to be anyone else's business.

Opinions please?

Thank you x

OP posts:

Minisoksmakehardwork · 03/05/2018 13:33

Having supported friends through 2 x unsuccessful and then successful ivf pregnancies, I suggest not mentioning anything until you absolutely have to. It would be heartbreaking to let her know you were starting ivf and then dealing with questions if it were not successful.

You can just ask for time off for medical appointments. She doesn't have to know what they are - Investigations and treatment sums it up politely without asking for conversation about the ins and outs.

mammaknowsbest · 03/05/2018 13:33

No, I wouldn't tell your manager. I never thought to tell my manager when I was trying to conceive, in fact I didn't tell them until I had had the 12 week scan and knew everything was ok.

Heratnumber7 · 03/05/2018 13:38

Would you tell your manager if you and a boyfriend had thrown away your contraception in order to try to conceive?
No.
So why do you need to tell your manager you're going to have ivf treatment.

Whichever method you use for getting pregnant, it could take a long time. Wait until you know you have a pregnancy that's progressing well, and a date in mind when you'd need to start mat leave.

Angie169 · 03/05/2018 13:39

Personally I would not tell her just yet , as it may unfortunately come to nothing .
I would book a days holiday for the test days if you can or perhaps a 'dentist check up' if you can get the day off.
if you think getting the new contract is going to cause a huge problem is it possible for you to delay the start of the testing until the contract has settled down a little ( although I do not think you should have to wait )

MimiSunshine · 03/05/2018 13:40

Don’t tell, no woman in male/female relationship who was TTC in the have sex, hope sperm meets egg kind of way would tell.

If you feel you need to prempt the questions around needing multiple days off for hospital appointments then take her to one side now and say,you’d rather not discuss it in detail and prefer it to be confidential but you are having to see a specialist regarding some ‘women’s issues’ (if she’s a bit old school) / ‘gynaecological issues’ (if she’s not) and due to the nature of the tests and the availability of the specialist it’s likeky to be last minute requests.

That way, you arent lying but you’re not quite telling the whole picture. I really hope it all goes well for you and that in a few months time you will be able to share with her a scan of your ‘issues’ 🤞🏼😊

kaytee87 · 03/05/2018 13:41

Don't tell her.

Good luck with trying

kaytee87 · 03/05/2018 13:42

I agree with saying you're having gyn issues too.

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2018 13:46

I think it's fine not to tell her until you hopefully are pregnant. Good luck

Original poster

SecretSantaaaaaa · 03/05/2018 13:47

Would you tell your manager if you and a boyfriend had thrown away your contraception in order to try to conceive

My partner said this!

OK I will go with the gyna issues

She knows quite a bit about some other issues I have beenhaving lately (with my hand), so maybe she will wonder why I have not mentioned these gyna issues before? OK I'm overthinking now!

Thank you for all of your advice.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/05/2018 13:50

I definitely didn’t tell my boss when me and dh threw the pills away and started humping like bunny rabbits.

RoseGoldEagle · 03/05/2018 13:53

I wouldn’t tell her. Unless you’re very close and feel you’d like her to know to be able to give you support- but that would be the only reason. You’ve absolutely every right to try and get pregnant without telling anyone at all. When I was in the very early stages of pregnancy last time I was booked on a work trip where I had to fly- and knew I’d be late in pregnancy by then and wouldn’t be able to fly. But I still didn’t tell them until 12 weeks, I felt a bit guilty but ultimately I didn’t want to tell anyone early, and at the end of the day someone else took my place at that meeting and it was no big deal. This is about YOU and your plans for a family , work comes second .

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 13:55

Don't tell. There's no reason to and every reason not to. Discrimination against pregnant women is widespread. Even if you feel secure in your role I would be cautious. I had problems myself. Don't give them the opportunity to ready themselves before you have the (supposed) protection of being pregnant.

yorkshireyummymummy · 03/05/2018 13:57

No, it’s nobody else’s business that you are trying to start a family.
You know the odds are against you, especially with only one round of IVF so don’t put yourself through having to explain if things don’t go your way.
But I hope they do..........good luck ❤️

GummyGoddess · 03/05/2018 14:02

It is none of her business. It only becomes her business when she needs to start sorting out your maternity cover, I haven't had anybody bouncing into my work and declaring that they've started TTC

evilharpy · 03/05/2018 14:02

I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with being gay or not, and I'm only saying this in relation to having IVF and not just "trying" for a baby in the usual way, as IVF can be very stressful. In my current role I think I would confide in my senior manager (so effectively my boss's boss) who is very understanding of things like childcare emergencies or having a sick child, and very diplomatic. I know she would be incredibly supportive and if I needed someone to step in for me in meetings at short notice or make excuses for me if I went off to have a cry somewhere she would be brilliant.

I know this would not be the case for everyone though.

Lots of luck :)

justforthisthread101 · 03/05/2018 14:05

While it is no-one's business there is a WORLD of difference between stopping contraception, and fertility treatment. My first child is the result of a fourth round of IVF and my second was a natural pregnancy so I know both sides.

I'm therefore going to go against the grain and say, tell her. This is a stressful process - I didn't find it as stressful as some, but having to hide it would have just added a layer of complexity and stress that I just didn't need.

My manager knew from the beginning, and I never regretted telling him for a second.

I also don't think your sexuality comes into it! If you were in a straight relationship, I'd be saying the same thing.

Fatbird71 · 03/05/2018 14:06

Just to give the other perspective on this. When we went through IVF, I did tell my manager as it made it easier for getting all the appts sorted. He looked a bit embarrassed but wished us well. It also made it easier when it came to all the drug taking/sniffing etc.

If I had not told him, I think they would have thought I was going for job interviews etc. Whatever you decide, I hope it goes well.

aaarrrggghhhh · 03/05/2018 14:08

IVF is incredibly stressful and massively time consuming. So if you think she will be supportive I would definitely tell her. But if you have the remotest concern that she won't then don't tell her.

ie - i think the determinant of whether you should tell her is what will be best for you - not for big contract.

Good luck!

TheRealMotherGoose · 03/05/2018 14:09

What everyone else says. And good luck!

Before you do the IVF cycle, you may be interested in a book by Toni Weschler called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I found it tremendously empowering and interesting -- I can honestly say it changed my life to understand better how my cycles and body worked when it came to fertility.

Depending on how you want to conceive, it may also give you some alternative options for conception (e.g. if you are using donor sperm you might decide, through getting to know your cycles, that your cycles are regular enough to be able to self-inseminate with a good chance of success).

Juells · 03/05/2018 14:09

I can't see why you'd tell her. Nobody would let their manager know if they were just 'trying for a baby' without IVF, would they?

Good luck!

TheRealMotherGoose · 03/05/2018 14:13

Of course if you want to carry your partner's baby, you would need to have IVF anyhow. But it is still a great book with lots of insight about how women's fertility actually works, so I still recommend it on that front!

justforthisthread101 · 03/05/2018 14:13

OP, can I suggest to ask for this thread to be moved to a conception or infertility support topic? I think you might get more relevant responses - it really really isn’t the same as trying to get pregnant the usual way. I did four rounds in 8 months and lived to tell the tale - it’s not horrific at all (IMO) but it is very different. And let’s be honest, most fertility clinics don’t offer appointments at the time when most people in 9-5 jobs are trying to conceive!!!

OverinaFlash · 03/05/2018 14:18

Many of the women I know currently experiencing treatment have had to tell their bosses as there are too many times when you might have an unexpected appointment or scan, or have scans every other day for several days.

I have chosen to tell my boss as having fertility treatment is not remotely similar to trying to conceive naturally. It is or can be emotionally and physically draining whether or not you have a successful outcome.

It's entirely up to you whether you choose to share the information, but you will be having medical tests, appointments, and procedures, and these should be afforded the same level of flexibility, support and consideration as if you were having them for any other reason.

Ebeneser · 03/05/2018 14:27

I wouldn't tell her unless you feel you have to. Is there any reason you are the one having the IVF? Maybe it would be less hassle (if possible of course), for your girlfriend to have the IVF?

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 03/05/2018 14:33

so maybe she will wonder why I have not mentioned these gyna issues before?
If it helps I've had gynae issues for years, but never mentioned them. I suddenly got a decent referral and a fair few appts followed by an op in a short time. Apparently its not that strange a thing to happen in the world of gynae so don't overthink it. Good luck to you and your partner

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