To not tell my manager

[SecretSantaaaaaa]

I am a gay female (it is relevant) who has recently (I say recently, about a year ago) been promoted to a senior level.

I manage one floor of staff whilst she and another supervisor manage the lower floor. It's a fairly small office but very busy.

My girlfriend and I have been considering IVF/IUI for a very long time but have never spoken about it to anyone. However we have been saving and have been referred now.

My question is, do I tell my manager to prepare her, she has no idea about it and I don't think she has ever considered the fact I may eventually have children.

I just feel bad because the timing is wrong, we have just won a huge contract. I am also unsure about discussing it when it may not even work (We can only afford one cycle).

We do have a close relationship so I feel like I should give her the heads up but would I be unreasonable not to tell her until (IF) I get pregnant?

I have a lot of appointments coming up including blood tests on the first day pf my period (which I can't 100% predict) so am going to need time off work also. Without telling her the truth this would be difficult to keep covering up.

If it doesn't work, I am not sure I want that to be anyone else's business.

Opinions please?

Thank you x

Would you tell your manager if you and a boyfriend had thrown away your contraception in order to try to conceive?
No.
So why do you need to tell your manager you're going to have ivf treatment.

There are lots of comments like this - do people know what having IVF is like? A friend is going through it at the moment and given she's been at the clinic literally every other day for scans and monitoring for the last couple of weeks, I can't begin to imagine how she could have not told work something was up.

Would you tell your manager if you and a boyfriend had thrown away your contraception in order to try to conceive?
No.
So why do you need to tell your manager you're going to have ivf treatment

OK, so when you're TTC naturally do you need to have

Scans every other day?
Bloods every other day?
Surgical procedure under sedation?

And you won't be able to predict when these are going to be, because everything is arranged depending on your response

IVF is massively disruptive to your work and to your colleagues - I've had 7 cycles, no way I could have done my cycles without disclosing to my manager

And while I suppose she could have lied about what was going on, at this point I think they'd be worried that she was seriously ill - there aren't many reasons to have that many appointments that aren't pretty alarming.

@MargaretCavendish you're absolutely right. Particularly given the timeframe in which you have them. You down-reg for a few days without much noise (depending on the clinic) but then deciding on collection could mean going in a good few days on the trot!

I took the days of collection off work but was lucky that my transfers were at the weekend, so I didn't have to take time off -but it would have been very hard to explain if I wasn't upfront about it.

The only reason I would disclose in confidence would be if I thought I wouldn't be able to get time off or I would be penalised for doing so.

Dismissing of a woman because she is absent to undergo an important stage of IVF treatment (the collection of ova and implantation of fertilised ova), can amount to sex discrimination. So I guess disclosure could afford some protection if you have concerns about your employer

It's not so much about dismissal as just managing workload and commitments within the team - you're going to be in and out of work all the time, without being able to predict when that will be : you have to try and make provision for this to minimise disruption. It's hard to do that if you can't forewarn anyone else.

Several people at my work including myself had ivf and did let their managers know. It is a PITA that you don't get the privacy non ivf people do but I would have found juggling all the appointments not to mention hot flushes and total energy slumps, I fell asleep at my desk once impossible without some kind of explanation. But I work in a close knit, high observation team in a different environment it may not be noticeable.
Good luck.

I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with being gay or not

I think because people expect it less to become pregnant if you know what I mean? She has absolutely no incline that this could happen.

Whilst we are pretty close, I also know she is extremely stressed at the moment and can completely imagine her thinking "oh ffs".

I could also imagine her being super supportive as usual and being great about it. After reading some of your comments it is making me extremely nervous about eventually telling her.

In terms of job security, I don't think for one second she would want me gone. She is a great manager who has had her own fertility problems in the past.

In answer to some asking if my Partner could carry the baby, she has said that she doesn't wish to (she is scared!) and I have an overwhelming urge to so it made sense!

Thank you for all of your responses.