Following a breakup with his DP, various legal and family problems and a nervous breakdown, my 36 yo stepson has been living with DH and me for 2 years and it is not expected that he will move out in the foreseeable future. He gives DH £55 a week towards his board, which we feel is fair (he lives on benefits).
What I don't feel is fair is his physical contribution to the household. DSS suffers with depression, and I try to be sympathetic, but my patience is wearing thin. Although he usually does what we ask, he will put it off as long as possible before he starts, and often leave jobs half-finished with a flimsy excuse (“The drainer was full, so I stopped washing up.”), and he never does anything without being asked, except occasionally tidying his own bedroom. My DH is disabled with restricted movement and often in great pain, but DSS just will not offer help, for example to pick up items from the floor or carry heavy objects for him – he always has to be asked or he would happily sit watching his father struggle (“Well, I didn't know - you should have said if you wanted help.”) If DH asks him to help, he will often go away before the job is finished (“I thought you didn't need any more help.”) If we don't cook dinner for him, he lives on toast, sandwiches, crisps and biscuits with the occasional microwave meal. He spends most of each day lying on the sofa eating and watching TV, often with a nap in the afternoons. I've tried giving him lists of jobs and he said he would do them and didn't, so after a day or two DH caved in and did the jobs instead.
Although it's not how he was brought up, he barely seems house-trained. He usually doesn't bath without being reminded several times, sleeps in his clothes and wears them for days, won't set his alarm and doesn't get up unless we wake him, doesn't automatically say please and thank you, doesn't wash his hands after the loo or before touching food, doesn't clean the toilet after himself, doesn't wipe his feet as he comes in the door, leaves the door open when he goes out to the garden so heat is wasted and DH gets cold, doesn't wipe up things he's spilled such as coffee grounds or loose tobacco, leaves food wrappings and plates in the sitting room, doesn't put the milk away in the fridge before going up to bed, makes snacks and leaves mess in the kitchen and the packaging open so food is spoilt. I have spoken to him several times - gently and angrily - about all these things and he says sorry and continues to do it. No matter what I say, it just makes no difference – nothing gets through.
Is he just a CF who's taking advantage of us? AIBU in thinking he should make more effort to improve?
Kicking him out is not an option, and wouldn't solve his problems. We want him to stay with us, but we also want him to try to rejoin the human race.