Do I have a problem or are people being dramatic

[teddybaare]

So I've just been reading another thread about a lady who is struggling to cope with how disorganised/forgetful her DH is and I realised that she could have been describing me the behaviour was so similar. I forget to turn the oven off, leave the key in the outside of the door, forget to make appointments, always forgetting to take medication when I have it (eg -antibiotics), always losing my bank card, keys and phone. I've tried to be more organised plenty of times but it lasts a few days then I seem to be back to normal. It's caused a lot of issues in me and DPs relationship as I always feel stupid and small when he points out what I've done. I have a 6 month old DS so these habits are starting to worry me more now and the fact that even when I'm actively trying not to do them I still seem to! So on the other thread there was lots of replies saying ADHD and lots of other things that I can't remember and saying that this is just how their dh/ds/dm acts and they have insert illness. Is it really possible that I have an illness that is causing my behaviour is this just mumsnet being a bit overdramatic? (no offence to anyone on the other thread I know it's all well intentioned advice and you could be right)

Its absolutely possible to have something like ADHD and not realise because its just "how you are".
Maybe try a few online tests for it and see what the results are, see if it sounds like you?
If you are scoring highly AND its making your life more difficult than it has to be or might be dangerous for your son (forgetting to turn the hob off is more high-risk with a toddler around!) then it might be worth you trying to seek more official help for it, there are medications that people I know with ADHD have found life-changing.

You could look into strategies recommended for people with e.g. ADHD or dyspraxia. It doesn't matter whether you have one of those conditions if the strategies work for you, but if they do then you could think about pursuing a diagnosis later on.

I look like a very organised person but I'm not naturally - I can't keep stuff in my head. Instead I have recurrent alarms on my phone, synced Google calendar with reminder alerts, hook for car keys, shelf for handbag etc etc. Boring to set up but pretty easy to stick to. It's very motivating to know that a two-second job now could save ten minutes in the morning.

If your six month old is your first, might it just be parenthood? I know my cognitive ability is not what it used to be and I had a phase in the first six months where I could barely remember DD's name and date of birth, let alone important things like appointments and locking the door. I genuinely thought I was losing my mind at one point.

Having a 6 month old DS is not the time to fix this as babies take up so much time and brain space, I would wait a year or three. Do some ADHD tests if you want but I would wait til baby is more independent.

Some of these things are more urgent to address than others, and some are easy to address.
Medication; set an alarm on your phone, that's VERY important and also easy to do.
Keys/wallet/phone; repeat the Holy Trinity out loud everytime you leave the house and check you have them, that's easy and habit forming.
Oven; not sure about how to remember to turn the oven off, but it's obviously the most important of all the things you mentioned.

Set phone reminders for EVERYTHING, remind yourself of appointments the day before or morning of, rely on your phone if you have to!

As per the advice on the other post, can you not put up lists/notes to remind you? I.e., a note above the oven, or a check list on the light switch/front door of things to remember to do before leaving the house/going to bed at night? Have a specific hook/bowl for the keys so that you have to take them out of the door?

Set daily reminders on you phone - 'Have you done this, check that' etc

Leaving the oven on could be so dangerous, and if you are burgled because of the key being left in the door your insurance would be invalidated.

Sounds like motherhood to me! Have you considered postnatal depression because forgetfulness is a symptom....do you have any others? However sleep deprivation also doesn't help.

I'm the same. I do use strategies but I often forget. I noticed a few people on that thread have mentioned medication. I'm interested but scared to try.

Having a place for phone, wallet and glasses (a basket on a shelf looks a state I don't care as it was life changing years ago). I talk out loud putting the glasses in the basket/ oven on etc. I read an article about Japanese work practices with talking out loud and gesturing as you do something. Honestly it's made me so much more alert.

Has this always been the case or is it just since motherhood?

If it's always been the case, yes there could be an underlying reason, if it's just since having a child, it's just you're a bit up in the air at the moment.

@rebelrosie12 I've made an GP appointment re postnatal depression but I've always been like this since childhood (obviously showing in different ways) however I've always struggled with depression and anxiety so maybe that? I'll definitely do the basket for keys, card etc. The notes might help too but I'm wondering if I should mention it at the GP just in case? Thanks for the advice everyone

I’ve got better over time but I was the same and the butt of jokes for getting lost ( pre sat navs) and losing things. I write lists now and trained myself to do one thing at a time and not 10 at a time. My brother is the same and my definitely had some kind of learning difficulties which were not picked up on in the 1930s. I can’t give any real advice really but try doing lists or writing things down.

My mum had some difficulty I mean.

Yes do mention it... it is a symptom of depression. Maybe it will improve once you start treatment? Best of luck. I sympathyse...I had pnd with my first and was like that a lot. It made me feel so stupid (I wasn't, and I'm sure you're not either!) X

It used to be called being 'scatty'.
But now just about everything has to be a medicalised condition.

It's possible to improve. I was 'scatty' once - forgetting and losing things, etc., but I did train myself out of it. I think you just have to, once you have kids, make lists, put reminders on your phone, whatever.

Looking back, I think my mother was a bit scatty, too - I was so often the one kid in the class who hadn't brought back the signed form, or whatever else we were supposed to bring in.
I didn't want dds to be like me - always the one the teacher was rolling her eyes over - so that was a good incentive to sort myself out.

I still use detailed lists for all sorts, not to mention leaving paper reminders in BIG WRITING on the kitchen counter - where I can't fail to see them - if there's something I MUST remember to do later/tomorrow.

There is no "right" way to be OP - no one can tell you how organised you ought to be. All you can do is look at:

a) If your behaviour is causing you personal distress - ie: you hate always being late but can't seem to stop yourself, your life feels chaotic and out of control, etc.

b) Your behaviour is putting yourself or others at risk - regularly leaving oven/straighteners/heaters on, bad food hygiene, forgetting medication, etc.

and/or:

b) It has a pattern of causing friction with people around you - several people in several contexts have expressed distress/frustration at your actions, it has impacted your work, made friends more distant, been a factor in the breakdown of relationships, etc.

Is this the case, OP? If so, regardless of whether you want to pursue a formal diagnosis, maybe you should consider looking into strategies to help you get more of a handle on your own life?

I used to be very disorganised and I found it extremely stressful - I felt like I couldn't rely on myself and that I was always going to mess up/let people down. Getting strategies in place has been literally life-changing - I don't feel so overwhelmed and self-loathing all the time. It's difficult in the beginning, but it is very worth it, I promise x

Definitely ask the GP, I was always like that, thought it was just me 'failing' at being an adult when everyone else had it sussed. The referral from GP appointment to ADHD clinic took 18 months, I now have a full diagnosis and am starting medication. I am 47. They see hundreds of new referrals every month at the clinic I went to, it being unrecognised until (late) adulthood is not at all rare and they can help. As much as anything it is a massive relief to find out why I am the way I am. I wouldn't wait - the funding is low and the wait is long, far better to get in the system asap.

Also - do some of the online ADD/ADHD questionnaires and print and take them to your GP to back up your request. They are likely to do some questions there too which may or may not lead to the referral, but it all helps.

Is it really possible that I have an illness that is causing my behaviour is this just mumsnet being a bit overdramatic?

Well of course it's possible, but equally of course it might not be the case at all.

And I don't think most people are being overdramatic on that thread. People (including me ) have raised the possibility of various learning differences or disorders in case it's actually helpful to the OP or her DH to investigate them and rule them out.

It could be helpful to you too, of course it could (although as others have said you might just be tired because you have a tiny child). If you have time to follow it up at some stage, go for it if it might help things fall into place for you.

I have problems like this and I have autism, the main problem for me is “executive function” is severely lacking. It sucks because people just think I’m lazy or don’t care. But I really really do. My brain just doesn’t work like most people’s.

Even if autism itself is out of the question for you, this post is brilliant.

theestablishment.co/i-thought-i-was-lazy-the-invisible-day-to-day-struggle-for-autistic-women-6268515175f3

It could, as in my case, simply be pernicious anaemia. A lack of B12 can affect cognitive functions and also make you prone to anxiety. If your GP's any good, they'll do a blood test. You could always ask for one, it's pretty standard.

My OH is disorganised like this as well. Personally, I was also surprised at some responses to the thread you've mentioned. I have just learned to live with him. If anything, I have probably been too controlling and organised and having a husband like this has encouraged me to relax a little bit. For instance, the world won't explode cos he didn't pack the baby wipes.

I'm like this too! Like MrsHathaway I've developed strategies one I learnt here on Mumsnet that really works for me is the Ohio rule: Only Handle It Once.

In practice this means never just putting something down you can only.put it down in the place it lives. Keys on the hook, gloves, glasses, dog collar, kids book bag everything has a place and has to be put in its place.
With the cooker or hob I extend Ohio to mean I am not allowed to take something out of he oven or off the hob unless I turn off the gas. It can't be turned back on if things aren't ready!.

The only way I learnt Ohio was by doing it, repeatedly with no exceptions and it's made my life immeasurably better I'm still a 'nightmare' according to friends and family but I think they've forgotten how bad it was!

I'm like this, drives DH nuts. After I had my DC's I was seriously starting to worry I had early onset Alzheimer's as it got so much worse. DH and I actually went to marriage counseling about it, and the counselor suggested I had ADHD. I was tested and sure enough, tests showed I had severe ADHD. I'm on concerta and it's made such a massive improvement in my life! It's not a cure-all, as I'm back to my normal self once it wears off, but it's helping at work, and helping me concentrate in crowded places, etc.

It's worth looking into.

I can trace ADHD/ADD up the family tree but only my daughter has a diagnosis. Being able to try medication to see if it helps is a major advantage of a diagnosis, as well as understanding yourself and possibly family members better (if you think that ADHD is a possibility). My daughter can concentrate and get work done really easily now that she is medicated. Totally worth it.

If you have a condition like ADHD you'll have had it all your life, so it'll be normal for you. You probably can manage better at lower stress times of your life but once things get stressy, the symptoms get worse.

Everyone will have "symptoms" of whatever from time to time, it'll be if it adversely affects your life that it becomes a disorder. Like the difference between clinical depression and being a bit sad from time to time.

ADHD is hugely genetic, so if you have it, you'll probably have a family that thinks you're normal as they see that behaviour as usual.

My mum asked me why I'm looking for problems getting a diagnosis. My reply is why wouldn't I want to make my life easier, if it's a very treatable condition? If it is ADHD, it's far more treatable than depression from adrug efficacy point of view.