Do I have a problem or are people being dramatic

[teddybaare]

So I've just been reading another thread about a lady who is struggling to cope with how disorganised/forgetful her DH is and I realised that she could have been describing me the behaviour was so similar. I forget to turn the oven off, leave the key in the outside of the door, forget to make appointments, always forgetting to take medication when I have it (eg -antibiotics), always losing my bank card, keys and phone. I've tried to be more organised plenty of times but it lasts a few days then I seem to be back to normal. It's caused a lot of issues in me and DPs relationship as I always feel stupid and small when he points out what I've done. I have a 6 month old DS so these habits are starting to worry me more now and the fact that even when I'm actively trying not to do them I still seem to! So on the other thread there was lots of replies saying ADHD and lots of other things that I can't remember and saying that this is just how their dh/ds/dm acts and they have insert illness. Is it really possible that I have an illness that is causing my behaviour is this just mumsnet being a bit overdramatic? (no offence to anyone on the other thread I know it's all well intentioned advice and you could be right)

@pippylou my family just say I'm disorganised. It has been a problem since primary school days but I always just accepted it was the way I am. However it's now posing genuine risks so I feel like I need to do something about it (not that I haven't tried in the past). It's also causing problems in my relationship along with my depression, DP thinks I just need to pull myself together and 'look on the bright side of life'

Dyspraxia - that's put down as the cause for me.

Systems and routines.

Keys are on a hook by the door, oven is automatically turned off - this is causing issues at minute as I automatically do this and it's on same circuit as another piece of equipment which they stops.

Bank card is in purse - have one bad purse lives in and I check all doors several times before leaving. Basically I run through a check list in my head.

Having said that DH left door unlocked gas on forgot his wallet when he was sleep deprived with no underlying issues.

I was starting to get worried about FIL who keeps leaving or forgetting stuff - but I realised it's because MIL reminds him less and less as he gets snappy with her I think as consequence of them having more time together.

That's the problem. These things do not travel alone.

If the underlying condition causes problems, then it leads to other problems. In my case, I would never have people over to my house as it's a mess, despite my best efforts and work is problematic, as I have no filter on occasion and annoy people.

If you google ADHD and co-morbidities, then there are loads of venn diagrams showing how things overlap. Pics are easier than words. :-)

www.google.co.uk/search?q=adhd+comorbid+conditions&rlz=1C1AVNA_enGB563GB563&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjDgcW0--baAhUkMewKHVRoA5wQ_AUICigB&biw=1242&bih=579#imgrc=Jd_oxqp7UGg2CM:

I've always been careful of my mental health as I have family with severe MH issues, so finding out it was a neurobiological condition, not just a case of "pull yourself together" is actually proving very helpful.

I started doing a lot of the systems stuff before I got a diagnosis, so even if you don't have an actual issue, the stuff people have mentioned in this thread is useful.

Try to have rituals as you leave the house, or a checklist. Even if it is dead simple. That feeling of overwhelm is just awful but writing stuff down helps.

So I have a basket that I keep cards and things in when I go to my mum's, so I don't leave stuff there. I have a tin for my car keys. I have lists...etc. Mainly, I have a great OH, or I would still be like I was when I met him, in house full of piles of "stuff".

I don't know about ADHD but DH and I are both forgetful in a way that might get those a bit older than us put in a care home, we often leave pans to boil dry or forget there are things in the oven. Our keys/phones and glasses are always going missing too.I think for us it is mainly that we try to think about and do too many things at once and the short term memory doesn't get time to embed in the middle memory bit of the brain. If you are constantly moving from one room to another the brain also clears a bit of memory space for new things in the next room and that is why you forget you left your keys in the first room.
We have just redecorated our living room and are trying to be more tidy and efficient. Now we always put glasses in our desk drawer, I pads and phones go in the next drawer along and keys go in a wooden box in the hall. I also use Alexa to set a timer for me each time I leave anything cooking in the kitchen so I don't forget - I think Alexa may have potential with other reminders too. Of course we are not cured of our lax ways but there has been an improvement.

I also find Alexa useful for reminders - especially as being a Mum and wife I seem to be expecting to remember four other people's stuff as well as mine. You can set up weekly and daily alarms as well as food timers.

Also phone reminders, calendars electronic and on the wall and lists are all useful tools plus note book and pen in hand bag as well.

I agree that not everything has to have a label these days - some people, like me, were just always a bit 'different' i guess, but these days they might have said dyspraxia or ADHD - even now i cant watch a film longer than hour and half without wanting to jump and do something else and i have a low boredom threshold. i had to drive on the M25 the other day and i was drumming my fingers as i was fed up and i have to concentrate when driving ( not a natural driver but i can do it when i have to) we have other strengths and i have done things in life other people wouldnt who are meant to be 'cleverer' than i am. some people just fake it i think - a lot.

I’m currently devising a list of things to put on reminders on the iPad. Even stuff like brushing my hair and putting dishes in the sink. Nothing becomes habit no matter how much I do it, it’s exhausting! I hate that I need to do it but I don’t want my kids to suffer from me not being organised. They are autistic too, so I think it will help all of us.

I'm not sure I'm even going to tell most people I have a label now. I'm just me. That isn't going to change. I was always a wee bit different.

Problem is the stereotype of 5yo's running round screaming or people seeing the issues as easily overcome.

You'd never say to a diabetic, aw love, you're faking it... don't bother with treatment or diagnosis.

Where it is going to be helpful for me is finding like-minded people who appreciate neurodiversity and also some coping strategies. A major issue with ADHD is that people use destructive coping strategies. I've been very lucky in life and have also achieved lots. But what could I have achieved with more help? That's the sadness for a lot of people.

If OP is doing things that end up burning her house down or major depression or a split family, I think that's the time to get some questions answered...

...finding out it was a neurobiological condition, not just a case of "pull yourself together" is actually proving very helpful.

I’m taking it slightly out of context as I don’t have the family history you mentioned, but THIS. A thousand times over.

Diagnosis was life changing. She said “for a person with autism you’re actually completely normal” 😂

I still get frustrated with myself. I’ve realised I definitely have some other stuff going on (the comorbidities mentioned upthread - in my case I am pretty sure I have auditory processing issues) but the main thing for me was reading about executive function and autistic inertia, as suddenly I realised I’m not just useless!

I’ve had depression for years, there were some trauma triggers (so the ASD was actually missed as I had other reasons for social anxiety etc - the specialist who diagnosed me with ASD was the first person who ever agreed I could be both autistic and an abuse survivor ) but mainly the reason I am usually depressed is because I feel defective. I have fuck all self esteem because I hate myself for not being able to manage daily life like everyone else seems to. For always being messy, procrastinating etc.

I am also exhausted. It is truly exhausting being like this, it takes so much mental energy to even organise myself enough to brush my teeth and find my keys that by the time I leave the house my brain is fried.

Understanding myself helps. I’m definitely improving, but it’s an endless battle and it’s really not easy.

It used to be called being 'scatty'.
But now just about everything has to be a medicalised condition

It's possible to improve. I was 'scatty' once - forgetting and losing things, etc., but I did train myself out of it

Not true, sadly - if you have a neuro-biological condition that affects your executive functioning firstly it IS a medical condition, secondly you can't just 'train yourself out of it' by making a few lists. All of us who have it have been labelled our whole lives, as 'scatty' or 'useless' or told we just need to get a grip or be more organised do feel the frustration we cause others, but we can't 'just' do that and that attitude isn't helpful. Just as you can't tell someone with Autism to stop being Autistic - you obviously can't say say 'I used to be Autistic but I trained myself out of it!? This is the same.

Being diagnosed is life changing, and such a relief. The massive mis-conceptions about the condition are another matter.

If it's been present since childhood it sounds very like ADHD. Which is a neurodevelopmental condition, not an illness.

Ask GP for a referral to a specialist adult ADHD clinic. If there isn't one covering your area you can ask GP to ask the CCG for exceptional funding for you to see the nearest adult ADHD service.

This is my OH. He is really disorganised, struggles with processing more than one task at once.

He’s just been diagnosed with dyslexia, quite severe dyslexia too. He has been given some really useful strategies for managing this and the difference it has made has been quite vast.