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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dsis Sending Herself Gifts..

92 replies

getawfmylaaaand · 01/05/2018 19:56

It’s an odd one and probably outing so I’ve name changed, im a regular.

For the last 6 months or so, my Dsis has been sending herself gifts through the post and claiming they’re from various family members and an ‘admirer’ we are fairly certain she’s invented.

This all started before Christmas. She was wearing a bit of jewellery I’d never seen before and although not my taste, she was twiddling with it and clearly wanted us to notice it so I said ‘that’s a lovely necklace Dsis, I’ve not seen it before is it new?’ She replied:
‘Oh yes it is, it was a gift’

Me: ‘that’s lovely, it suits you’

Her: ‘it was from Aunty Jane’ (names changed obvs)

Now, it wasn’t her birthday and too early to be a Christmas present. we haven’t received gifts from aunty jane since we were 15 and I haven’t spoken to her for about 15 years since and to my knowledge, neither has Dsis. It was odd, but the conversation moved on and I totally forgot about it until Christmas Day when we were all opening presents. Dsis produced a bag for life absolutely chocked with presents all wrapped in the same 3 variations of Tesco wrapping paper (I know, because we had the same stuff).

Each present was addressed from a different member of the family, none of whom had sent me a present and to my knowledge, no one else including my parents who are more closely related. For reference, this isn’t unusual. My parents and their siblings have a no presents for adults policy because we have a massive family and everyone agrees with it. It’s heen this way for 20 years.

Finally Dsis reaches her last present and opens it to reveal a £400 handbag. She gasps and reads the tag which says ‘from you know who’. She read the tag aloud, I didn’t see it and neither did DH. Obviously this invited questions, but she did a lot of ‘oh no it’s nothing’ etc until finally saying she had a ‘secret admirer’ that she was seeing and he had sent the bag.

In Jan, Dsis had work done on her house so came to live with us for a week, but the work was delayed and she ended up staying for 5 weeks.

During this 5 weeks, every other day a package would arrive at our house addressed to her. We didn’t question it as it’s none of our business, but after 3 weeks or so we were sat at the dinner table and she said ‘I’m sorry about all the packages, it’s SA (secret admirer, although we had a name for him at this point) AGAIN’. A bit perplexed we just sort of said ‘no problem’. She then went to her room and produced a huge box full or ‘gifts’ and proceeded to show us them all. It was lots of costume jewellery, clothes, bags etc. She went through them all saying ‘this is from SA, this is from aunty pat, this is from mum, this is from uncle stan’ etc etc with the majority from SA.

Anyway, long story short one day she left the packaging from a ‘gift’ on the kitchen side and the invoice that came in the package was for her credit card and her name etc and most definately sent to herself.

We had a family gathering in April where I was able to confirm she had indeed been sending herself gifts by lightly bringing the gifts up ‘that was a lovely ring you sent to DSis aunty pat’ etc etc and all of them were completely confused. I got very good at saying ‘oh no sorry my mistake, I must have gotten it wrong’ Hmm

I told DM what I’d discovered and she has no idea what’s going on either.

Is she unwell? I feel a mixture of worry and utter confusion about it, there’s no reason for her to lie to us. She must have spend ~£5k on this so far and that’s a lot of money to us and her.

Do I need to say something to her or WIBU to just go LC and ignore?

OP posts:
missbonita · 01/05/2018 20:58

I would strongly adviser against speaking to her friends or doing anything that could alienate her. I think she needs love and support, it seems so very sad.

Aylarose · 01/05/2018 21:03

Hi OP,

It sounds like your sister has had and perhaps still has 'Fictitious Disorder'. In the past this took the form of 'Munchausens' Syndrome' where she faked a serious illness. Now it is taking the form of lying about expensive purchases to make herself feel valued.

She is unwell and does need therapy BUT you have to be very careful about how you bring this up with her.

Perhaps you could say that some of her actions make you think that she may be struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem and that counselling/psychotherapy might help and ask her whether she'd consider visiting her GP.

It is quite likely that she has limited control over her behaviour and that her behaviours are coming from a place of hurt/psychological pain so try to be as kind to her as possible. Make your role a helping one and not one of judging her or embarrassing her.

BewareOfDragons · 01/05/2018 21:06

It sounds really worrying, OP. And sad. Definitely attention seeking, but she's possibly also creating a lot of debt for herself to make herself feel better, or worse, as someone suggested, stealing cash from patients.

If you're absolutely sure that she has a friend you can reach out to in confidence, then do so, but don't put your concerns in writing. Ask if you can meet for coffee and tell her you have some concerns about your sister, that you're really worried about her mental health, and ask her if she's noticed this behaviour. Then go from there...

I wish you luck. I would be really concerned, though, especiaslly with her history of faking serious illnesses for attention. She appears to be headed down the same path; hopefully you can find a way to gently address it before it gets too far out of hand.

getawfmylaaaand · 01/05/2018 21:07

Her Ex-H hasn’t remarried or anything, they were only married 7 months but remained friends and they’re in pretty constant contact. They talk at least a few times a week on messenger, tag each other in funny stuff on FB, that sort of thing. I sort of half hoped for a while they’d make another go of it but it’s been 5 years now and it seems she’s moved on. She’s had other relationships since then (I’ve met a couple of them) and talks about ex-H really fondly but as a friend iyswim.

I actually think he’d get back together with her in a heartbeat. He absolutely doted on her and is a really lovely bloke, but she says after they got married they just started drifting apart and not talking as much etc and eventually it just fell apart. They split really amicably and like I say they’re still good friends.

I agree contacting friends isn’t a good idea, I need to bring this up with her myself but I’m no good at stuff like this Sad I think I need to approach it as ‘I’ve noticed this and I’m concerned about money, can we do anything to help you’ but I don’t know how to phrase it?

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 01/05/2018 21:08

I wouldn't speak to her friends. I know I mentioned the girl I knew was borrowing from her friends and I asked if that could be the case here but that wasn't the main issue and it isn't the main issue for your DSIS. If that is the source of her income, you'll find out soon enough because they'll want their money back.
The issue that you have to address as a family is how best to support your DSIS.

JessicaJonesJacket · 01/05/2018 21:12

Sorry massive x-post.

DuchyDuke · 01/05/2018 21:12

It sounds like a manic bpd episode.

getawfmylaaaand · 01/05/2018 21:15

DM won’t handle this well. Her reaction to anything is to bury it and never speak of it again rather than address it so I think she’d really struggle with this.

I need to do some reading about the mental health problems you’ve all mentioned before I talk to DSis I think, I have very little understanding of mental health generally so I think I need to get myself clued up in case I make things worse.

I’m currently wondering if she got some money in the divorce maybe? Do you pay spousal maintenance if you’ve got no children?

OP posts:
MizCracker · 01/05/2018 21:18

My hunch is it's a shopping addiction borne out of feeling depressed (common and understandable - been there), but adding secret admirers and family members into it is something else. I think she must be really struggling, too.

Would you be able to gently say to her, look, I know you're buying these things for yourself but I'm not here to pull you up for the lying, I'm really worried about you. Would that go badly?

sillyoldowl · 01/05/2018 21:19

I hope she is ok. Agreed it's unusual behaviour but could be a cry for help for something or at very least a way to get people to talk to her... could she be lonely?

MarvelleGazelle · 01/05/2018 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveProsecco · 01/05/2018 21:21

Agree with others that something is amiss. She is lucky to have family who care Thanks

willynillypie · 01/05/2018 21:26

Had a best friend like this (not anymore because after 10+ years of it with no change despite all the help I gave her/professional help attempts) she never changed. Lies about being raped, brothers that died, cars that didn't exist, grandparents dying, jobs she never had etc etc. Really bizarre.If you find the answer to what is happening I would really REALLY love to know because in the end the entire thing broke my heart. And I am sorry to say in my experience you will not be able to change her, it doesn't sound like a one off because of the fake illness and the lie re the gifts has been prolonged so I think it's very bad. I am sorry for you OP, I understand how emotionally draining this will be for you.

LanaorAna2 · 01/05/2018 21:28

Don't involve DM - she's no good here. She won't help DSIS and she will introduce her own agenda, which sounds unhelpful to say the least.

If DM does genuinely want to be of assistance, get her to help with therapy costs. Practicalities, not emotions, are her zone in all this.

MarvelleGazelle · 01/05/2018 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 01/05/2018 21:36

I wonder if you could gently, teasingly ask her 'So when are we meeting this secret admirer of yours?' That gives her the chance to say 'oh, actually, that's finished now' so she dials down the ostentatious gift display without feeling she's losing face?

There are obviously deep-seated issues for her here, but this might be a way for her to stop fucking things up more by getting into debt on top of everything else. Beyond that, I don't really know what to suggest, but I'm sure other MNers will have better advice. You sound lovely, btw - she's lucky to have someone so understanding.

Sparklesocks · 01/05/2018 21:38

Oh i feel bad for her, and i think she’d be dreadfully embarrassed if confronted. I’m not sure the best approach OP but i think it’s good you are thinking of her and acting sensitively Flowers

Ikeameatballs · 01/05/2018 21:39

Your poor sis and you. This sounds really tricky.

I’m interested in her short marriage. Do you think that in itself could have been an attention seeking episode, the engagement and wedding rather than the splitting up and divorce?

I think you’ll really struggle to get her to acknowledge that there is no SA, no one in the extended family is sending her gifts. This would represent a huge loss of face for her and the cervical cancer incident suggests that she can’t cope with this.

blueskyinmarch · 01/05/2018 21:39

Sounds like a difficult situation and something you really need to try and explore with your DSIS. She either knows what she is doing but it give her a feeling of validation or she is mentally unwell. Either way it seems she will need support. You sound like a very caring sister.

Babymamamama · 01/05/2018 21:50

Definitely don't speak to her friends. I think it should be you and your mum who address this with her. I think you can genuinely express your worry that she could be racking up debt. She might need some therapeutic input.

applesisapple5 · 01/05/2018 22:01

It sounds like talking to your DSis is a great idea.

Instead of asking about the gifts and the money, could you have a more general conversation somewhere on neutral ground or comfortable for her, just asking is she Ok, how things are going, she hasn't seemed like herself lately?

If it is about attention - sounds like she wants attention but doesn't know how to get it in a healthy way - then give her it but make it about her, not the gifts, which are a symptom not the cause.

missbonita · 01/05/2018 22:10

I would try and gently tease it out of her. Start very gently over a few days
"Gosh, you've been given so many gifts"
"Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have a SA"
"All these gifts, secret admirers - it's like a fairytale"
and see how she reacts, take it from there.

VanGoghsOtherEar · 01/05/2018 22:20

she faked an illness when she was 20 a lonely person with low self esteem? crying out for help? needing attention or to feel loved in some way? poor girl. this makes me sad for her.

PsychedelicSheep · 01/05/2018 22:22

Yeah BPD is borderline personality disorder (usually called EUPD in the uk which is emotionally unstable personality disorder). Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder and not the same thing at all.

I don’t think this is either of those btw.

VanGoghsOtherEar · 01/05/2018 22:23

flyingbird I myself have diagnosis of BPD and also have lied in the past about having cancer. I have also a huge issue with spending money because of an empty "void" feeling inside. it is like i always need to feel stimulated.