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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

keeping unwanted gifts out of politeness?

48 replies

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/05/2018 14:49

coming out of another thread, was surprised at the strength of feeling about this!

would you as a gift-giver really prefer your recipient to thank you for a gift, then shove it in a cupboard/regift it, out of politeness?

or would you be happier that they were honest to say thank you for the thought/effort, but that they'd rather swap for something they'd get more use/value out of?

fully accepted that it depends on the relationship - would always do the former for people i'm not close enough to have the latter conversation with.

let's say close family/friends - which would you prefer?

OP posts:

Original poster

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/05/2018 14:49

obviously they wouldn't make it known to you it was going in a cupboard/into the next school raffle!

OP posts:

ILikeMyChickenFried · 01/05/2018 14:52

I think it's rude to point out you don't like a gift..

DH bought MIL some earrings for her 60th. Really nice, quite pricey earrings.

She came round the next day wearing entirely different earrings and said thank you for the earring (singular) I took the ones you bought back as I didn't like them. The price covered half of this pair.

I hadn't known her long at the time and was gobsmacked.

You can organise an exchange or regift discretely bit I don't think you should point it out to the giver.

Fruitcorner123 · 01/05/2018 14:52

If this was Inspired by the CF wedding thread then YABU as the gift was off a gift list in that case so yes he should have kept quiet

In general I would speak out if someone had spent a fortune and I was sure they could return it but not over a small gift or a gift I wasn't sure could be returned. In general its only my parents of DH who would spend enough to warrant that and I would know whether they had the receipt and could return it or not. The risk of hurting someones feelings isn't worth it.

Trinity66 · 01/05/2018 14:54

It is kind of rude to actually say it but it is a bit of a waste if people don't like it so what I do usually is put a gift receipt in with it

AmazingPostVoices · 01/05/2018 15:00

It entirely depends on the relationship and the situation.

My MIL says “oh just let me know if you need the receipts”, but gets very upset if you actually ask for them (not even to change the gift just to change the size)

My Mum always encloses the gift receipt so that you can change it without mentioning it.

I’m not sure there is a one size fits all approach to this tbh.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 01/05/2018 15:42

Depends. If it's someone you are very close to and they spent a lot of money and you know they would rather it was something you loved, and you knew it wouldn't upset or offend them, I think it's ok.

For anyone else it's a hard no and very rude!

emsyj37 · 01/05/2018 15:50

I always give a gift receipt (or a normal receipt if a special gift one isn't available) and openly say 'please feel free to change it if you like, I won't be offended'. I would much rather someone exchanged a gift for something they wanted than felt obliged to keep something they didn't like.
I return most gifts so I'm fine with other people returning mine! Altho my preference is to ask people what they want in advance.

MissionItsPossible · 01/05/2018 16:07

I wouldn't have a problem with it and have pointed out if I don't like what someone has bought me on several occasions. 1) Because why would I want to have something I don't like and 2) Why would I want someone that I liked (I assume they do if they are buying me presents) wasting money on things that weren't going to get used?

hazell42 · 01/05/2018 16:10

I would be upset, actually.
Accepting a gift graciously is the gift you give the giver.
Telling them, even politely, that you dont like the gift and would rather change it for something else will make them feel bad.
My mum used to say that the gift was in the giving and not in what is under the wrapping paper. If you unwrap it and like it that is a bonus.

NCJaneDoeNut · 01/05/2018 16:14

My ex-in laws used to buy me horrible smelling perfume for years (think ‘Opium’). I just shoved it in the cupboard. They were always spoiling for a fight and a complaint about the Christmas gift would have started a new saga.

Pengggwn · 01/05/2018 16:21

I'd think they were bloody rude for telling me they didn't want a gift and I would not buy them another.

steppemum · 01/05/2018 16:28

I am a bit gobsmacked by this to be honest.

Phrases like 'its the thought that counts' spring to mind.
It is the person who has spent time and effort finding and buying something that you are thanking, the love behind it and the generosity.

I have taken things back and swapped them. Most shops actually will do it without a receipt, I did it for about 80% of the baby clothes we were given. (mainly because we were given loads of newborn and ds was too big for them)
The difference was I didn't say anything. I wrote nice thank you letters for what they gave, thanking them for their kindness and thought.

I think it is fine to ask to swap for different size, if you say it nicely!

Accepting a gift graciously is the gift you give the giver.
it is isn't it, lovely sentiment, rarely heard in the me me generation

Roussette · 01/05/2018 16:31

A girlfriend of mine who I've known for decades has awful taste in presents for me. I just don't get it, she knows me so well but last year took the biscuit.

A huge wrap thing, very thick, reversible, and it looked like a jackson pollack painting, red on one side and like a murder scene on the other.. I would not wear anything like that in a million years (she knows my style) and I know she spent about £40 on it, I was so disappointed. At Christmas she got me some earrings that are probably about the worst earrings I've ever clapped eyes on. So much not my taste - huge, heavy and horrible.

In each case I thanked her graciously but it was really really hard. I almost feel like she doesn't know me any more (we have drifted apart a bit)

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 01/05/2018 16:38

It's a really difficult one this - especially about the friend who has obviously spent a lot but it's not something you'd ever wear. It depends how upset she'd be if you were honest with her. It certainly depends on the dynamic of the relationship.

My mother will always say, "Please tell me if you don't like it" but I know for a fact that there will be tears and emotional blackmail if I do this. So I thank her graciously, even though she's one of those "I'm going to give you what I think you should have, not what you want" which is a whole different kettle of fish and gets my back right up. (But it's my mum so it's different! :D)

However, yes, the gift is in the giving, and I think it's a part of growing up and learning politeness that we learn to be grateful for anything we're given. Basically you might have ended up getting nothing. You've got something. Something is better than nothing. be happy for it. Some people never get any presents. And yes, someone else might be incredibly happy with that hideous whatever you've been given - I personally wouldn't be offended if someone re-gifted something - I like the idea of paying It forward. Re-gifting is definitely better than wasting away in an old cupboard.

On that other thread, someone said they were teaching their DCs to politely say "I don't like this" whenever they were given presents which to me is just

Learn some manners!!

expatinscotland · 01/05/2018 16:39

This is a TAAT and the groom in that is a complete CF because the couple chose the gift off an Amazon gift list the couple set up, and then the groom came back and said they'd decided at the last minute that they wanted money for their two honeymoons instead and expects the OP's husband to return the gift to Amazon (at his own expense) and then hand him the cash value of the gift. That's just douchebag behaviour.

Piffle11 · 01/05/2018 16:40

This is a difficult one! I have had many gifts over the years that i'm not keen on: some I have ebayed, some I have given to charity, some I've taken back ... but I've never told the giver I didn't like it, that seems unkind and unnecessary. My DM has given me things back that I have given her - and in an ungracious way (although I think that's nerves/embarrassment) and it has really hurt my feelings. I never buy the same kind of thing twice, so I think if I get one wrong, it doesn't need pointing out ('I don't want you to waste your money' - well, clearly I already have!) My DSis is even worse, and has actually laughed out loud at some of my gifts. I find it extremely mean spirited and is one of the reasons why I suggested a couple of years ago that we stop buying gifts for the adults in our family. I also found I was getting told by them what to buy them - I don't believe that's how gift giving should work! Fine if I say 'what would you like?' but don't just tell me!

pigsDOfly · 01/05/2018 16:42

I think it very much depends on the relationship between the two parties.

A man I was in a relationship with many years ago bought me a capodimonte figurine for my birthday one year under the mistaken impression that I liked that sort of thing and claimed that he'd seen such things in my house - I think he was mixing me up with someone else he knew as I actually can't stand them and wouldn't give one house room.

I very tactfully asked him if he'd mind if I changed it for something else, which I did.

I don't think he minded. I however hated the twee little shepherdess or whatever it was. It certainly would have gone to the back of a cupboard.

Zampa · 01/05/2018 16:46

I try and always get a gift receipt and enclose it with the present. I'd rather not waste my money on something that the recipient won't use. However, I'd rather not know if the gift receipt has been used!

I got a bit cross with DSS recently when he graciously thanked me for a top which he's not worn since. In this instance, I would have much rather he had said he would prefer something else as it's sitting on his wardrobe, unworn.

As a recipient, I have been known to exchange unwanted presents, both for me and the DCs. As PPs have said, I thanked the giver for the original gift and swapped things under the radar. I would never, ever ask for the receipt.

HollowTalk · 01/05/2018 16:50

@pigsDOfly Just looked up capodimonte figurines and need to bleach my eyes. He gave you that thinking you liked that sort of thing when he'd been to your home and there was nothing of the sort there? That's a dumpable offence!

Roussette · 01/05/2018 16:51

I always try and regift stuff but sometimes if something is really hideous, it's impossible because it would reflect on me and my taste too much!

teaandtoast · 01/05/2018 16:54

I'm with you, op. But some givers just can't accept that they buy crap gifts.

'The gift is in the giving' - snort! No, the gift is truly wanting your recipient to like your gift. And if you've got it wrong, graciously accept that and change the gift. You want them to be happy, right?

HairyToity · 01/05/2018 16:55

Never admitted to not liking a gift. I either exchange secretly, regift or charity shop.

EdgeOf17 · 01/05/2018 16:55

@SayCoolNowSayWhip the OP of this thread is the person on the other thread you are referring to!

OP as per the responses to your post on the last thread, yes YABU to teach your children to be rude

pigsDOfly · 01/05/2018 16:57

You can understand my pain HollowTalk can't you?

I was a bit insulted if I'm honest that he thought I'd want one.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 01/05/2018 17:07

@edgeof17 oops! Sorry Op! Not trying to start a bun fight!

(But YABU OP)

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