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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

keeping unwanted gifts out of politeness?

48 replies

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/05/2018 14:49

coming out of another thread, was surprised at the strength of feeling about this!

would you as a gift-giver really prefer your recipient to thank you for a gift, then shove it in a cupboard/regift it, out of politeness?

or would you be happier that they were honest to say thank you for the thought/effort, but that they'd rather swap for something they'd get more use/value out of?

fully accepted that it depends on the relationship - would always do the former for people i'm not close enough to have the latter conversation with.

let's say close family/friends - which would you prefer?

OP posts:

DamsonOnThisDress · 01/05/2018 17:19

Once I hand over a gift I consider my part in the process done. They can do what they like with it. Wouldn't be remotely offended if they got rid of it. I'd just be vaguely pleased that I hadn't forgotten their birthday/special day on that occasion.

As for receiving I always thank them, tell them I love it, regardless.

I keep for a while and then give to charity or to my MIL for Xmas.

I did waver over giving a purse to charity once. Fairly good brand but not to my taste. In the end I couldn't hand it in and retrieved it from charity bag because I cared so much about the giver I felt more guilty than usual.

Lucky I did - there was a £50 note in there. Been in there for months and I'd had no idea.

Sparklesocks · 01/05/2018 17:24

It depends on the gifter, and the gift, and the context of it all.

Some people are very open and say ‘if you don’t like it feel free to exchange it’ and are very breezy, so I would probably do that if I knew they would want to have something I wanted.

However other people in my life are quite sensitive and I would probably keep it to not rock the boat. My dad’s partner for example one Xmas got me a necklace and as I opened it she gushed about how hard it was to find, how much she liked it etc. I knew it would hurt her feelings if I told her I didn’t like it (it’s very flashy and really not my thing) - so it’s no harm to stash it in a box and occasionally put it on if I go round there.

Sunshinedaze · 01/05/2018 17:55

It’s better not to say anything. After much thought we purchased a £130 gift we were certain the Inlaws would use. So I was shocked they turned up at the next meal, and had the gift with them. I thought it was extremely rude of them. It was too late for us to return it, so we were stuck with it, until eventually, we decided to use it. Now they usually furnish us with a list ( we didn’t request them too). The BIL and wife, gives us stuff that goes straight into the trash. It’s usually regifted tat, food/ drink gifts that are always out of date ( if lucky, we might get something that has a month before expiry date) Or a gift that was out of a set ( we only get the one). They have no shame. Personally, I’d be so embarrassed. We aren’t close, so we just grin and bear it, and throw it straight into the bin. One of the highlights of moving away is we won’t have to receive gifts from them anymore lol

Ragwort · 01/05/2018 18:06

I think it is rude to say anything but I have at last reached the age when I say 'no presents please' and mean it. I always give cash to teenage neices/nephews/Godchildren - and my own DS because it is just such a nightmare choosing for other people.

My parents and I have an agreement to have a meal out or theatre tickets, something like that for Christmas and Birthday presents.

DH and I choose our own gifts and then just wrap them up and pretend .

I volunteer in a charity shop and the volume of unwanted gifts we receive is what keeps us going particularly teacher presents .

It is actually quite sad when you think of the sheer waste of money spent on unwanted presents.

willynillypie · 01/05/2018 21:02

pigsDOfly

This gave me horrific flashbacks because, for reasons I don't understand, my childhood room was full of these bloody figurines!

I think it's rude to say you don't like a present. Swapping for the right size is one thing - exchanging it for something else is potentially hurtful/not in the spirit of receiving gifts, but I suppose it ultimately depends on the relationship between the gift giver and recipient.

MissionItsPossible · 01/05/2018 22:26

@steppemum
I am a bit gobsmacked by this to be honest.
Phrases like 'its the thought that counts' spring to mind.
It is the person who has spent time and effort finding and buying something that you are thanking, the love behind it and the generosity.

It is the thought that counts and I am thinking about a person I care about is not wasting money by buying me unwanted and unused presents (that could become yearly/frequently presents they would be wasting money on). I appreciate I am probably in the minority on this though. That's why I ask family members and close friends what they'd like or go down the voucher route

woodsies1975 · 03/05/2018 07:03

My mum once bought me a set of oversized pearls (not real ones, those Majorica-type ones) for a birthday in my 20s, which was back in the early 90s. I was at Uni and they were NOT cool. Very unlike her tbh. Anyway, I accepted them graciously and never wore them. A few years ago she asked if I still had them (I did), she asked to borrow them and I have never asked for them back. I think she knew I didn’t like them.
I would never say I didn’t like a gift, I always appreciate anything someone goes out of their way to choose for me. Although saying that my DH (who has known me for 25 years) bought me some dangly earrings as a panic present for Christmas last year when he knows I don’t wear them, and said I could change them. Which I did.

DuchyDuke · 03/05/2018 07:07

I personally keep my gifts. Growing up as kids we didn’t get many gifts and so I treasure each and every one I receive now. It’s definitely the thought that counts for me; some people are so grabby nowadays.

Graduate223 · 03/05/2018 07:21

I would be upset, actually.
Accepting a gift graciously is the gift you give the giver.
Telling them, even politely, that you dont like the gift and would rather change it for something else will make them feel bad.
My mum used to say that the gift was in the giving and not in what is under the wrapping paper. If you unwrap it and like it that is a bonus.

Spot on. People have no manners.

MargaretCavendish · 03/05/2018 07:30

I also think it massively depends on the relationship and the giver. In my family we all give receipts with gifts as standard and would all genuinely prefer something is changed than unused. I would never ask my in-laws for a receipt for a gift, though, because they'd be hurt. I think (because this was how I was raised!) that my family's way makes more sense, but the most important thing is to be kind, and it wouldn't be kind to tell my in-laws that I wanted to swap a jumper, even if I think it's silly to let them waste money on something that'll go unworn.

Kingsclerelass · 03/05/2018 07:40

My ex bought me candles. All the time, more candles, which was odd because I don't use candles at all. I'm one of those people who falls asleep on the sofa and sets the house on fire. I couldn't swap them at a shop so if they were lovely ones, I quietly gave them to my friends who did use them. If not, I'd have had cupboards of the wretched things.
He used to get really grumpy about it but wouldn't accept that I wouldn't use them. People can be really odd!

BrownTurkey · 03/05/2018 08:02

No, I think with close family if people want they can make an arrangment in advance to specify the gift or exchange cash (MIL sees and buys something she likes and then tells dh he is going o give it for her birthday ). But most people are going to feel at least a little rebuffed by a request to exchange.

thecatsthecats · 03/05/2018 08:15

Pah, returning? It's easy for some! The word 'carbuncle' was MADE for some of the things my mum gets us. I get rid of them eventually, but I have a peculiar affection for my lobster lamp. Every time I consider getting rid, I think it will be a great moments of my mum and her eccentricities.

And as an object it brings me more joy than the annual hoodie my fiance gets from his aunt. He has 19!

Ilovecsleep · 03/05/2018 11:55

It depends what the gift is. I think if you. It someone something for their home or to wear you should generally include a receipt so that they can subtly return it. Anything that’s worth more than £20 or so I’d much rather be sure that the money wasn’t wasted. My oh is terrible with gifts. If me or so done else buys him something he does t like he never tells me and it just hangs in the wardrobe. I’d much rather her just return the damn thing! Ive bought him some really expensive clothes that have completely gone to waste.

Tbh most other things I wouldn’t care if the receiver regifted them or gave them away. No issue at all.

My one big bear is novelty gifts. Silly things that are funny for five minutes but spend a lifetime in your cupboard. Talking key rings, mugs, ovemty books etc. Never ungrateful to receive but you do wonder what you are supposed to do with them.

Pinkprincess1978 · 03/05/2018 21:46

I regift or exchange quite often and would have no problem with others doing the same for me. My mil is an issue though. She buys cloths for DC which are usually the wrong size but she removes the tags so I can't return 😡.

We had an issue years ago. When one of mine children were young I dressed them exclusively in a certain colour. They were babies, it was my choice what they worse etc. My mil bought them a tshirt in a completely different colour. I did comment on why did she buy something she knew I wouldn't like and wouldn't dress her in? She wasn't happy so I learned my lesson but.... I just don't get waste. Why buy something you know will get given to charity right away?

So much of what she buys my dcs last a short time. Just recently she bought DD a flamenco dress while she was in Spain. It was clearly too small but she commented repeatedly that it was that size or one that fit me.... er no, other option was to not buy something that doesn't fit and either save your money or buy her something she can use! DD squeezer into it had within an hour the seems were splitting 😂

Love51 · 03/05/2018 22:07

I don't think I'm a 'present person'. I love doing Xmas for my kids because I know I'll get something they love (infant school age, they still love everything!). But everyone else it's a hassle. Will they like it? I'm not ungenerous, it just feels like a gamble -will they like it? If not it's a waste of money, and if rather waste £10 than £30.
Even DH - say I know he wants new headphones - I don't want to choose them for him! He can choose better himself. This applies to everything except tickets to things and meals out (although once at the restaurant the recipient can choose from the menu!)
We tried asking for clutter free presents but then there are logistical issues. I don't think I want presents, I just want taking out! Or free babysitting. But, if you are from / marry into a family that does do presents, that would make people uncomfortable, so you keep trying and never really knowing what your success rate is!

malika54 · 03/05/2018 22:13

I'm relieved it's not just me who thinks it's really rude. My (now ex) DP just refused a watch worth several hundreds for his 40th birthday from his brother. Only hit him afterwards that his brother might have got upset... I really felt for him
I always regift or charity

FASH84 · 03/05/2018 22:13

I think it's ok to say if you need a different size or you have the exact same thing already, otherwise discreetly regift or donate

AddictedtoAIBU · 04/05/2018 00:22

On a few occasions I have been given gifts that are really not me at all. An expensive coffee scented candle when I can't stand coffee comes to mind. I always keep them and try to rehome. Unfortunately, people often buy gifts they would like themselves so I think 'such and such would love this candle, they love coffee' and offer it to them next catch up, stating it was a gift but not to my taste, completely forgetting they gave it to me as a present...awkward and probably looked like a subtle dig.

Bramble71 · 04/05/2018 03:09

I'd never tell someone, no matter how close, that I didn't like a gift they'd bought for me; I think it's rude and ungrateful to do so. I'd also be very hurt if I was the giver and the recipient moaned they didn't like it, particularly as I usually agonize o we what to buy and spend ages choosing. As a result, I get a gift receipt, enclose it with the card and leave it at that.

Takemetovegas · 04/05/2018 03:58

Saying please and thank you doesn't make the message any less rude.

I really don't know why people think that they are entitled to the perfect gift. A gift is just that not an entitlement. Buy the things you really want yourself.

For the gift returners how much do you actually have to like a gift to keep it?

For the people telling their children to tell people that they don't like gifts. If they told me that I would tell them that's a very rude thing to say- politely of course.

LuluMarie · 04/05/2018 04:21

I had a friend buy his fiancé diamond earrings, can’t go wrong!

So I thought.

She took them back, swapped them for a different more expensive pair and then told him he owed her the money to pay the extra!

Charming:)

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 04:24

My PIL (not British) are brutal about gifts, to the point of giving them back to us if they don’t like them. My husband doesn’t understand my (British) bafflement at this.

Any gifts I don’t like get re-gifted or charity shopped.

My mum thinks it’s the height of rudeness but I don’t want stuff I don’t like cluttering up my house. But I’m not bold enough to just say I don’t like it. Not yet. Might take some lessons from my MIL.

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