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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell a new dad he's doing it wrong...

41 replies

littlestrawby · 01/05/2018 13:03

hi all, new here so please be gentle :D

Disclaimer - I am a new mum to a beautiful little 5 month old baby girl, first child, so I am of course very overly cautious and paranoid :)

On a handful of occasions when we have been going for a walk around the local park I have passed the same man who has his very young baby in a baby carrier facing outwards. The first time I saw him I was a bit gobsmacked as the baby's head was slumped to the side and it clearly couldn't support itself (could have only been a few weeks old - the dad looked so proud as well..). Over the last 6 weeks or so I have seen him again twice carrying the baby in the same way and the baby never looks comfy. Given my new mum cautious status I know that this baby cannot be old or big enough to be positioned that way and I am having to resist the urge to go and tell him so out of concern for the little one when I see him.

I am fully aware that telling a stranger that they are carrying their baby 'wrong' is very busy body-ish and I've pondered how I could say it to him in a friendly way without coming across like a know it all!! But at the same time if I was doing something with my baby that is not recommended then I would be so grateful if someone pointed it out to me (even if they were annoying about it!).

AIBU to tactfully let him know next time I see him that his baby may be better off positioned differently in the carrier? Or am I in the wrong for not already having done so?!

OP posts:
NetVolume · 01/05/2018 13:07

I wouldn't say anything.

There may be a reason (not that I can think if one) for him carrying his baby that way. And also , it's none of anyone else's business.

Nesssie · 01/05/2018 13:09

But at the same time if I was doing something with my baby that is not recommended then I would be so grateful if someone pointed it out to me

Would you really though? Have a complete stranger come up and judge you?

ginandnappies · 01/05/2018 13:10

Don't. None of your business!

llangennith · 01/05/2018 13:11

I get that you’re concerned for the baby but if it was a woman carrying the baby the ‘wrong’ way would you tell her?

DD2017 · 01/05/2018 13:12

If you think it won't hurt the baby long term say nothing. If you think it's causing pain then say something. What's the worst that can happen? He says butt out and you walk away... I'd say something if it were me but that would prob prove unpopular... don't be tactful either as the point may be lost; just be polite

Fruitcorner123 · 01/05/2018 13:13

Hmmm I totally get this. Could you start a conversation about the baby, how old is she etc. Then say something like " I always thought you had to carry them facing you until they were 4 months "

The baby might be older than you think and unless it was literally brand new baby 6 weeks ago its probably 3 months or more now so probably has stronger neck muscles now anyway.

vinegarqueen · 01/05/2018 13:14

Maybe try to actually have a conversation and get to know new dad before saying anything? And you might want to do so in an "oh what carrier do you have, I'd love to have a front carrier but most of them only let you from 4 months" etc etc.

Whilst it isn't great a lot of people do front carry very small babies with no harm done. They can feel nervous about the baby having a clear airway, even though chest-to-chest carry is preferable in reality due to neck support.

Waggingmyginger · 01/05/2018 13:15

The safety instructions are pretty clear that outward facing is high risk. A lot of people do it probably because they see other people do it. But in my experience you'd be putting yourself at risk sayi g anything to some random.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/05/2018 13:19

I used to get this when DS1 was well over 4 months and totally capable of holding his head up. I started snapping at people, because it was happening several times a day. Are you absolutely sure that he can't hold his head up?

Redcrayons · 01/05/2018 13:19

Imagine some random woman coming up to you in the park to tell you, you’re doing it all wrong.

Perhaps he can’t afford a different pram, perhaps he doesn’t agree with the ‘advice’, perhaps he doesn’t give a shit.

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 13:19

It really isnt your business. And as its unlikely to cause lasting and irreversible damage or death you should mind it. The reality is that lots of people will parent their children in ways you don't agree with and generally its best to let them get on with it.

Most babies are quite good at letting you know if they're uncomfortable, so if this baby isn't howling that's a good sign.

angryburd · 01/05/2018 13:23

If this was a man on here wondering if he should tell a new mum that she was "doing it wrong", he'd be crucified and told to mine his own fucking business.

Bubblesandsquarks · 01/05/2018 13:25

The baby could be older than you think. My DD was prem and at 5 months she could support her head even though she was 9lb so looked like a newborn.
Also DS is 6 months and fully able to support his head but tends to lean if he can, it could just be the baby likes to flop/relax rather than being unable to hold its head.

IJustLostTheGame · 01/05/2018 13:26

I would.
But I'd word it tactfully 'oh excuse me, your baby's head has dropped, you probably can't see from that angle.'

ISeeTheLight · 01/05/2018 13:27

I'd say something. This might not be a popular opinion but if I saw any person hurting a child (even unintentionally) I think you have a duty to mention it.

Topseyt · 01/05/2018 13:27

The baby is fine and very unlikely to come to any harm.

I get that you are well intentioned, but it really is none of your business. If anyone had come up to me when mine were that age and directly or indirectly criticised what I was doing I would have given them very short shrift indeed.

MrPan · 01/05/2018 13:29

Of course you should say something!

It's fine to commence a conversation about babies, and in a friendly manner draw his attention to the fact that it's 'unusual' to carry fwdly.

Baby can't support head - the baby neds assistance. Dad can respond in any way he feels like. But you should be intervening.

GaryWilmotsTeeth · 01/05/2018 13:31

its so hard to tell how old babies/children are though. my very large 20mo DS is very nearly as tall and certainly heavier than DD's very small just turned 4yo friend. When i'm pushing him in the buggy, I have heard people comment that he should be walking, presumably because they think he is a lot older than he is. I just ignore, but it is fairly irritating that people think they know how to parent my child better than I do, despite clearly not even knowing how old he is. I wouldn't say anything, OP.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 01/05/2018 13:31

hmm mixed opinions it seems!!

Nesssie yes I absolutely would be grateful - I would obviously prefer it if it was said out of kindness and concern for my baby rather than someone being rude, but other than a bruised ego I'd definitely be better off knowing than not, right? I get that others might not feel the same though, esp those who are more seasoned parents than I am!!

llangennith you know, I would probably be more inclined to say something if it was a woman...I've had lots of lovely helpful conversations with other new mums sharing tips etc! Granted they have not been unsolicited nuggets of advice such as this :D

I like the suggestions to strike up a convo, def the most gentle way to mention it in passing!

Perfectly - yes the baby was brand new when we first saw him, both me and my husband both clocked it separately and were really shocked.
However obviously the longer I leave it the older the baby gets and he'll probably be holding his head up no problem next time i see him!! :D

OP posts:
MrPan · 01/05/2018 13:33

If I were the dad I'd be grateful. As first timers we know very little. Would appreciate some experienced assistance, in the interests of little one.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 01/05/2018 13:35

MrPan exactly my thoughts!

Ijustlostthegame (love the name), that's a fab way to put it.

I'll prob never see this chap again now Grin

OP posts:
missbonita · 01/05/2018 13:36

I will start by saying I grew up in a different country where people are more forthright. I would tell him because I would want to be told. I would phrase it along the lines of "Oh, I did that when I first used my carrier but someone told me the right way and it works much better - can I show you?"

kateandme · 01/05/2018 13:41

maybe say in an almost apologetic way."hi,listen I know youll want me to but out as god know that would be my first thought if someone tried to help me look after my little one but...did you know about the advice on dcs position.i only say because my healthcare worker drilled it into me and I didn't want it to be something someone never helped you with." then re-deliver the I'm so sorry I really don't want to be a busy body line.
it will go two ways.and only you know your reasons behind wanting to help and so that's the important bit and fingers crossed hed see that.

DoJo · 01/05/2018 13:42

If you really want to say something then I'd go with something a little less abrupt than telling him he's doing it wrong such as asking what kind of carrier he has as all the ones you've seen recommend face-to-face until 4 months or whatever. Even if he brazens it out, he may be prompted to go and check and discover for himself that he's been doing it wrong.

TheVanguardSix · 01/05/2018 13:43

He will learn. I am sure his wife will let him know once she sees how baby is being carried.