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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell a new dad he's doing it wrong...

41 replies

littlestrawby · 01/05/2018 13:03

hi all, new here so please be gentle :D

Disclaimer - I am a new mum to a beautiful little 5 month old baby girl, first child, so I am of course very overly cautious and paranoid :)

On a handful of occasions when we have been going for a walk around the local park I have passed the same man who has his very young baby in a baby carrier facing outwards. The first time I saw him I was a bit gobsmacked as the baby's head was slumped to the side and it clearly couldn't support itself (could have only been a few weeks old - the dad looked so proud as well..). Over the last 6 weeks or so I have seen him again twice carrying the baby in the same way and the baby never looks comfy. Given my new mum cautious status I know that this baby cannot be old or big enough to be positioned that way and I am having to resist the urge to go and tell him so out of concern for the little one when I see him.

I am fully aware that telling a stranger that they are carrying their baby 'wrong' is very busy body-ish and I've pondered how I could say it to him in a friendly way without coming across like a know it all!! But at the same time if I was doing something with my baby that is not recommended then I would be so grateful if someone pointed it out to me (even if they were annoying about it!).

AIBU to tactfully let him know next time I see him that his baby may be better off positioned differently in the carrier? Or am I in the wrong for not already having done so?!

OP posts:

JessicaJonesJacket · 01/05/2018 13:45

I wouldn't tell him because tbh you're assuming that no-one in the baby's life knows how to look after them safely. If this is the DF's preferred mode of carrying then his friends, relatives, possibly even HV will have seen it. So either he has been told it's wrong and is determined to continue. Or (and this is more likely) the baby isn't as young and as uncomfortable as you think. Either way, do you really think he'll take advice from some random woman in the park more seriously than the collective wisdom of his peer group?

Lethaldrizzle · 01/05/2018 13:47

I didn't know there was a wrong or right way. May be I was doing it wrong for all of mine but they're all fine now!

Storminateapot · 01/05/2018 13:51

I think if the baby were uncomfortable or in pain it would cry - babies are generally very good at making their displeasure clear. So if the baby is happily being carried that way I'd suggest it's probably older than you think.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2018 13:57

I think if you are going to say anything you must build up some sort of relationship with him first. Hands up who would appreciate a stranger critisicing them.
You also must approach it sensitively.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/05/2018 13:57

Gary I've had that the other way round. We'd just had lunch in the Sainsbury's café and I was walking then 17mo DD to the trolleys, all of 2 minutes, a woman absolutely screamed at me that she should be in the buggy. She was going to sit in the trolley, and I was going to fold the buggy up and put it in the back.

MrPan · 01/05/2018 14:01

Raises hand.

I would not see it as criticism. As offered help which I can decline, yes.

UnicornRainbowColours · 01/05/2018 14:03

Don’t say anything, it’s not your business if you say something you’ll knock his confidence.

tinykirst · 01/05/2018 14:04

It isn't your place to say anything.
He's not doing anything to purposely hurt the baby. And as a pp said the baby is obviously not in distress.
You don't know anything about him or the baby.
I would feel absolutely distraught and so defensive if a random stranger came and told me how I should be parenting.

Bluelady · 01/05/2018 14:06

Babies leave you in no doubt if they're in pain or uncomfortable. This one is obviously fine, leave them alone.

ILikeMyChickenFried · 01/05/2018 14:12

Babies are completely able to (very loudly) express pain.

Having a baby in a forward facing carrier isn't ideal but neither is it likely to cause serious long term harm.

I wouldn't say anythong. In fact I'd think it very rude to do so.

Eatmycheese · 01/05/2018 14:13

I don’t know if I’d say something

Whilst babies will often let you know they’re not happy, in terms of this scenario we are talking about risk of restricting their airway much the same as if in a car seat for too long. Sadly in this instance a baby may very well not communicate any pain or irritation at all. They might just simply stop breathing.

BlueBug45 · 01/05/2018 14:17

AIBU to tactfully let him know next time I see him that his baby may be better off positioned differently in the carrier? Or am I in the wrong for not already having done so?

If you are happy to say "Hi" to him regularly and engage in small talk then start a conversation to find out why he carries that baby that way.
The baby may be simply small for their age.

People forget that some children are larger and smaller for their age for genetics or for some other reason, so if you want to find out engage in small talk rather than making random rude comments. I've received that with one of my nephews' who was tall for his age from babyhood, and now with my stepdaughter who was small for her age and has a disability.

3stonedown · 01/05/2018 14:18

I don't think I could say anything without coming off rude and busy bodyish so I wouldn't.

I remember reading a book when I was pregnant that said women tend to wear babies facing inwards to keep them close and protected but men tend to do outwards to show baby the world. Doesn't make it ok but interesting that it seems to have some truth.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/05/2018 14:23

I'd probably go with the 'you can't see from this angle but ...' comment. But I definitely agree people don't judge the ages of babies well. DD's small for her age and I get the odd comment from someone who thinks she's younger than she is.

CookPassBabtridge · 01/05/2018 16:12

Can you post a pic of what kins of baby carrier you mean? Just trying to picture it.

TotHappy · 01/05/2018 16:27

When my daughter was about 4-6 weeks DH had her alone for the first time, for an hour, while I had a massage. He had a bottle of expressed milk and whenI met up with him post massage, said that some random old lady had stopped him as he was trying to give the bottle and told him he was doing it wrong . For all I know he WAS doing it wrong but he was not amused! But it's not quite the same because our daughter was screaming the place down (she'd never taken a bottle before and didn't for many more weeks, he was just bravely trying) so the intervention was hardly helpful!

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