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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister punishing my 3 year old

59 replies

upsideup · 01/05/2018 13:02

My sister has come to stay with us for a few days. This morning 3 year old dd had a little tantrum which was it was over within a minute and was pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour, I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
Sis hadnt seen any of the kids since easter so had brought them all a chocolate gift, she handed out the older 3 theres at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.

Since then dd has as far as I am concerned has been well behaved. After lunch my Sis had been planning to take both 4 year old ds and dd to the park but now is saying she is only going to be taking ds again beause dd had been naughty this morning.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them and doesnt need to be punishing dd for behaviour I have already dealt with or since she is taking them out alone should she be allowed to take only the 'good' child like she wants to?

OP posts:

sprinklesandsauce · 01/05/2018 13:41

Your sister is out of order. Your child at 3, will not understand why the others had chocolate and she didn't. You should have said to give it to her, or stopped her giving it to the others IMO.

Do not let her take DS to the park. She cannot keep punishing DD for the same offence repeatedly!

Oakmaiden · 01/05/2018 13:43

Do you think your sister might be anxious about being responsible for your daughter? Which is why she is trying to get out of taking her?

Fruitcorner123 · 01/05/2018 13:44

called up the stairs that I’d take his big brother and baby sister to the park, and leave him behind with his granny, if he didn’t pick up the pace. Thirty seconds later, and comes barrelling down the stairs, pulling his jumper over his head so he almost bloody stumbled down them, and wailing that he couldn’t find his other shoe: he was almost puce with distress.
I’ve seldom felt so disgusted with myself

I think that's a bit mean to yourself. He was messing about and holding you up, you weren't threatening to do anything dreadful just go without him if he didn't hurry up. This is a completely different scenario to the one in the OP because his behaviour was directly related to the trip to the park (messing you about and holding you up)

KittyHawke80 · 01/05/2018 13:51

Oh, maybe Fruitcorner. I just felt like, I dunno - it’s not as though his weekends are packed with activities: I don’t drive; I’m a freelancer, so it’s a bit feast and famine - we’re not talking trampoline parks and Pizza Hut all the live-long. So threatening not to take him to the park for an hour, when all he’d done was be a bit difficult, was a bit bloody.

GnotherGnu · 01/05/2018 14:04

Sounds like your sister is looking for an excuse to have a nice easy outing with one child rather than having to cope with two.

DotForShort · 01/05/2018 14:06

YANBU. It sounds as though your sister has little experience with children. She probably believes she is doing the right thing but it's perfectly fine to take her aside and say that as far as you're concerned, the non-tantrum is a non-issue. And she should take both children to the park or neither. No need to be confrontational about it, just matter-of-fact.

missbonita · 01/05/2018 14:06

That's not a tantrum - it's a silly way to ask for a drink

You take them both to the park and have a good time.

UnicornRainbowColours · 01/05/2018 14:08

If I were you I would explain that the behaviour she whitenessed was normal 3 year old behaviour and that it was dealt with at the time and that it’s not really fair on the child to continually bring it up. I’f she thinks having a strop is bad behaviour lol she’s in for a shock if she ever has her own.

LoveRun · 01/05/2018 14:10

I find people who don't have kids often go for the heavy handed sergeant major type punishment. However well intentioned it's very annoying to parents. But tbf, she probably doesn't realise what's she's doing is wrong and not her place. Just a quiet word to set her straight should be enough.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/05/2018 14:11

You couldn't take the children to the park? Shame if they have to miss out when it's been promised, though I know that's not down to you.

OliviaStabler · 01/05/2018 14:15

I am not a Mum so I wonder if my perspective might help.

Your sister sees your 3 year old have a tantrum. You do nothing to discipline your child afterwards for her outburst except give her exactly what she wanted. So your child's bad behaviour has been rewarded in your sisters eyes.

I appreciate that to Mum's your scenario will be seen very differently but maybe this is how your sister sees it. Bad behaviour being rewarded?

Trinity66 · 01/05/2018 14:16

That's a little harsh if she hasnt got children of her own? Perhaps the tantrum was the first she has experienced and she was quite taken aback. She is the Ops sister so I imagine she is just trying to support her sister but in this case has got it wrong.

Fair enough, the action itself seems cruel though towards a child that young.

Ohmydayslove · 01/05/2018 14:17

Tell her you await the day she has kids by which time yours will be at school and we’ll out of the tantrum mode.

Then tell her to butt out and don’t let her have them alone. She’s probably not mature enough to cope

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2018 14:17

So she actually doled out easter eggs and left you 3 years sitting there and now she's wanting to leave her out of a trip to the park all because of tantrum that I assume you as her mother dealt with, and she is expecting this not a piss a 3 year old baby off. She either takes them all or none.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2018 14:18

Whatever a child has done. To single them out is cruel and just causes resentment

BlueBug45 · 01/05/2018 14:29

The 3 year old didn't actually have a tantrum from the sounds of it, and if they had not giving them chocolate then was sufficient punishment. Now refusing to take the child to the park is just plain cruel.

You need to have a proper talk with your sister about age appropriate discipline for children. She is going to be their aunty for the rest of their lives, and you need to try and nip her behaviour in the bud now. If your discipline methods are similar to any of those child "experts" then direct her to their material as she may understand it better.

Trinity66 · 01/05/2018 14:32

She really shouldn't be disciplining the child at all anyway imo, especially when the mother is there

Cornishclio · 01/05/2018 14:46

Your DD sounds like a pretty typical 3 year old so I think your sister was out of order disciplining her at all. A tantrum is not bad behaviour. A toddler is incapable of controlling her emotions at that age so having a tantrum to communicate she is tired, hungry etc etc is perfectly normal. Punishing her for that when she is not mature enough to voice her discomfort without emotion is plainly wrong.

LoveRun · 01/05/2018 15:09

@oliviastabler. That's the type of thing I mean when I talk about people without kids being all sergeant major in their approach. The OP clearly stated she had dealt with the tantrum so there was nothing for the sister to discipline, quite apart from the fact she is not the parent so it is therefore not her who should be dolling out punishments.

Small children get frustrated, particularly when hungry or tired. In this case the girl was thirsty so what may have looked like bad behaviour was by the sounds of things, a small child struggling to express herself. Her mother who knows her best was able to spot the problem and deal with it. This may look like 'rewarding' bad behaviour but I would say otherwise. Its just understanding a small child. Alot of people without children seem to think they should behave like mini adults. It just doesn't work like that and thankfully most of us have moved on from old fashioned approaches to punishing small children for just being exactly that.

TotHappy · 01/05/2018 15:44

It depends if you want her to spend time with them going on. I think both her 'punishments' are flat out of order, no question, but I don't agree that she shouldn't be disciplining them at all. If i have my niece for an afternoon, a day, or just a walk, I expect to be able to discipline her if necessary. Otherwise how could I be responsible for her? So if your sister wants (and you want her) to ever be responsible for your dc, I would have a chat with her at some point during this visit about how to work with them when they're tired/grumpy etc, what rules and consequences you do use with then, etc etc. My sister is the opposite - she's too soft with my daughter. Less damaging than too harsh I suspect but I do need to keep reminding her of appropriate ways to redirect/stop dd's behaviour.

pigsDOfly · 01/05/2018 16:53

Just come back to this and seen what this 'tantrum' involved.

Bloody hell, if she thinks that a tantrum, she's in for a rude awakening if she every has children of her own.

There was no naughty behaviour of any kind on your DD's part from the sound of it.

And your sister thinks it appropriate to punish her several times over?

I think you need to have a long chat with your sister about children and behaviour, your sister's behaviour mainly.

OliviaStabler · 01/05/2018 19:32

@LoveRun But this is my point LoveRun. Mum's will see it one way, non Mum's might see it completely another.

The sister will think that the OP is being possibly a soft touch and making a rod for her own back. TBF I'd probably be very similar.

pointythings · 01/05/2018 19:38

Then you'd be wrong, Olivia. Just as OP's sister is wrong. So she needs to be told firmly that she is wrong. There's an awful lot of information about child development out there, so if you'd probably be similar, you need to do some reading.

PossumBottom · 01/05/2018 19:46

I've taught my three year old to say to adults.

"I'm not naughty, I'm learning"

OliviaStabler · 01/05/2018 20:54

@pointythings

Then you'd be wrong, Olivia. Just as OP's sister is wrong. So she needs to be told firmly that she is wrong. There's an awful lot of information about child development out there, so if you'd probably be similar, you need to do some reading.

Just try and understand that I don't see things from your point of view, just as you do not see mine.

I was brought up VERY strictly so I dislike any misbehaving children, I am trying to show that maybe sisters behaviour can be understood from a different pint of view.

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