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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want separate beds

79 replies

Gigigigigi · 30/04/2018 20:40

I’ve been living with my DP for almost a year and I just can’t understand how people can share a bed and get a good night’s sleep.

We have full on arguments about the sides of the bed and going ‘over’ sides. We are not big people but it feels there isn’t enough room. Even worse, his breathing when he sleeps drives me up the wall. It’s so nasally and keeps me up.

We are now thinking we would be happier with separate beds, even separate rooms. Is that weird? Can a happy couple sleep on separate beds?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 30/04/2018 22:14

Separate duvets massively worked for us

AlonsosLeftPinky · 30/04/2018 22:17

We have our own bedrooms. We're blissfully happy, but I don't think I'd ever want to share again.

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2018 22:18

I lived alone for a year before DP moved in and I still love sleeping beside him. In fact when he's nights I can't sleep. I was working away for a week and couldn't sleep in a single bed.

But with my exH I couldn't sleep with him beside me. Moving into a house that had a spare room was a lifesaver. However that was also the beginning of the end.

NooNooHead · 30/04/2018 22:29

DH and I have had separate beds and rooms in our house now for about 3 years, and before that in our 2-bed flat we had to sleep separately too, although the poor thing slept on a sofa bed every night.

I simply couldn’t ever sleep with him every single night as I need decent sleep to function well, and can’t be next to someone with sleep apnea whose snoring can be heard in a room next to it with the door closed.., Hmm plus, I always fidget, get too hot, have stupid restless legs every night and can’t be myself (cough, let off wind, have my silly involuntary movements of my movement disorder) without being acutely aware it could be keeping him awake.

I’m all for being snuggly, loving and close to someone and definitely love everything about being in bed (sexually and physically) with my DH... we both just need our own spaces to sleep properly and feel well rested.

Our marriage is certainly better for it and despite my DF making the odd comment about how we always have to sleep separately when staying at my parents, I am happy with our arrangements and it suits our family very well.

God knows how people sleep together for 50 years - I think it would drive me insane.Hmm

agnurse · 30/04/2018 22:34

Hubby and I currently sleep in separate rooms because I tend to hog all the covers Grin Also neither of the mattresses are very good. He would like to get two single beds and put them in one room and then we could each have our own bed. The current state of affairs has not affected our marriage any.

Queenofwands · 30/04/2018 22:45

Brings back horrid memories of booking two hotel rooms on holiday with my ex and sleeping in seperate rooms at home. My dad noticed once when he came round and he said that once you are in seperate beds you are finished .... he was right!

nokidshere · 30/04/2018 22:45

Definitely separate bedrooms. As someone upthread said it was only paupers in the past who shared beds because they couldn't afford more, the aristocracy always had separate wings. And who decided that it would be comfortable sharing a space between 4&6 ft with another person?

Tomorrow is our 36th wedding anniversary and we have slept in separate rooms for more than half of that. He likes to burrow down, heavyweight duvet, windows and blinds closed for a full 8 hours. I sleep best with the windows and blinds open, lightweight covers, and I wake frequently in the night and get up and potter about.

If we had to share a room I think we would be divorced by now.

Queenofwands · 30/04/2018 22:46

Separate ... my bad.

MMcanny · 30/04/2018 22:46

Ha! I just posted about this on another thread. I think it’s perfectly pleasant and reasonable to have your own beds/rooms after a while. It seems quite luxurious tbh and if you have the space it’s no-one else’s business. It’s lovely to have your own room to decorate as you like without compromising for your partner and no issue if one likes a window open while the other finds it draughty etc. Do what makes you happy. You can always bunk up again if/when it suits for the odd night but tbh I don’t think I’d ever want to share again.

KimKurl · 30/04/2018 22:49

Agreed. I hate sharing a bed. DP is a cuddler, a snorer, a duvet hogger and a farter - I often sleep on our huge corner sofa. It's bliss!

Sunafterstorm · 30/04/2018 23:08

My friend and her husband have had separate rooms for over 20 years and still seem happy.
We don't have a spare room, but I frequently bring up the suggestion of separate beds. We already have a kingsize, but it doesn't stop him taking the covers or rolling over my side. I suggested a super king and separate duvets, but he won't consider a new bed (or beds) until our current one is worn out.
We have been married for nearly 45 years, so I think I have done pretty well. Interesting that it usually women wanting their own sleeping space.Grin

Honeyroar · 30/04/2018 23:11

Ive often thought about separate beds too! OH seems to be trained to sleep quietly though nowadays.

lavendargreen · 30/04/2018 23:20

@queenofwands

Brings back horrid memories of booking two hotel rooms on holiday with my ex and sleeping in seperate rooms at home. My dad noticed once when he came round and he said that once you are in seperate beds you are finished .... he was right!

Yeah your dad WAS right! About you and your husband! Hmm

As many posts here on this thread have illustrated, having separate rooms is a Godsend for many couples, and improves and saves many marriages. (Even if it ruined yours....)

Your dad sounds like that type of man who would takes it as a personal slur on his manhood if his wife wanted to sleep apart from him, (coz God forbid a woman should want to a comfortable, decent night's sleep away from her snoring husband!) Confused

Luckily my husband (and the husbands of many posters here) are a lot more secure than that, and know their wives still love them, and fancy them, even though they wish to sleep apart.

I bet your mother would secretly love to sleep apart from your dad; she is just probably scared to say so, if he's so damning and critical of sleeping apart from your spouse! Sad

PohtaytoPotahto · 30/04/2018 23:24

Get a super king size bed and these ear plugs from amazon -> moldex 7800. Bliss! My partner sounds like a diesel truck long due for service 🤭. Seriously, try them.

UpSideDownBrain · 30/04/2018 23:41

My marriage is a much happier place now we have our own bedrooms. Once you get passed the psychological and social barriers, it really is the best way to live.

lavendargreen · 30/04/2018 23:43

@nokidshere

Definitely separate bedrooms. As someone upthread said it was only paupers in the past who shared beds because they couldn't afford more, the aristocracy always had separate wings. And who decided that it would be comfortable sharing a space between 4&6 ft with another person?

Tomorrow is our 36th wedding anniversary and we have slept in separate rooms for more than half of that. He likes to burrow down, heavyweight duvet, windows and blinds closed for a full 8 hours. I sleep best with the windows and blinds open, lightweight covers, and I wake frequently in the night and get up and potter about.

If we had to share a room I think we would be divorced by now.

Good question. Who DID decide sharing a 4 ft wide, 6 ft long bed with another person to try and 'sleep' for 8 hours, was a good idea?! Even a king bed (superking whatever!) is still sharing! And you will still suffer from his snoring, and getting hot, and him quilt hogging, and coughing etc.....

I think people have superking beds - so they can sleep as far apart as possible from their husband, and wear earplugs (and try and pretend he is not there,) whilst still being in the same bed. Rather than actually admit that they need separate beds - as they see it as some kind of failure in their marriage. It's really not. It's an absolute fucking treat! Just get separate beds FGS. Separate rooms even (if you have a spare room!)

Like you, I could not have slept with my husband long-term.

I know a few old couples (over 70,) who have slept in the same bed for 45-60 years, even though she - yes SHE - does nothing but moan about his groaning and grunting and farting and snoring. Yet, even though they have one or two spare bedrooms, she refuses to sleep in another room, because of the 'shame' of man and wife not sleeping in the same bed.

Same with several very religious couples I know; despite HIS heavy snoring and HER lack of sleep, they would let hell freeze over before they don't share a marital bed. I mean, what on earth will people say?! Shock

Batshit. Confused

Ya know what? I don't give a shiny fucking shit! Grin

Got my own room, had it 15 years, and I fucking wubz it! Smile FUCK what other people say. I am happy and so is my husband. And quite a few women I know are rather jealous. Grin

lavendargreen · 30/04/2018 23:45

@upsidedown

My marriage is a much happier place now we have our own bedrooms. Once you get passed the psychological and social barriers, it really is the best way to live.

This ^

Once people retrain their train of thought into accepting that sleeping apart from your spouse is not weird, or a sign of a dying marriage, or shameful, they will be much happier and healthier, they will sleep a lot better, and their marriage will be a lot better.

Sofabitch · 30/04/2018 23:48

Getting 2 quilts was the big thing for us. Makes a huge difference.

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2018 23:53

One thing I found weird was after I moved out my exH kept the bed I slept in and moved back into my old room and then had new partners staying there with him.

I thought that was very weird.

Even though I had no one sharing my bed me and dp got a new one after he moved in.

LadyB49 · 01/05/2018 00:04

I have severe restless legs syndrome and insomnia. Finding sleep is a nightmare so I read a lot and get up for hours because of the RLS and not wanting to wake dh.

We go to bed together and after he is asleep I'll probably go to the spare room. Or if I get to sleep it will only be for a couple of hours, then I'm up and about, ending up in the spare room. If I'm awake in the morning but it's not getting up time I will usually go back to 'it's bed..... RLS permitting.

Queenofwands · 01/05/2018 06:09

Lavendargreen my dad was talking to his lesbian daughter when he said that. I don’t have a husband. He was ahead of his time on gay issues and amazingly supportive. Also it was him who used to go to the spare bedroom in a huff and Mum hated it. They had a very passionate relationship. I do however have a wife and when I am away for work like tonight she sleeps in my nightie to feel closer to me. So not a man woman thing with us..... maybe a second wife thing given that the ex and her partner have also now shared a bed for years in a 5 bedroom house. How many of the separate bedroom brigade are second wives I wonder?

JadziaSnax · 01/05/2018 06:19

Separate rooms is the way forward. We have our own rooms and sleep apart during the week and share at the weekend. We both get a far better quality of sleep and are very happily married.

YANBU at all.

Emerencealwayshopeful · 01/05/2018 06:20

Seperate rooms has saved our relationship.

Emerencealwayshopeful · 01/05/2018 06:27

We have a 6 bedroom house and 6 people live here. When someone (usually a friend of some child or other) asks us the answer is usually that the children each had their own room so we thought it only fair the adults did too.

swingofthings · 01/05/2018 06:29

Difficult one. Ending up sleeping in separate beds was the start of the end of my previous relationship so when I got with my OH, I made a vow with myself that I wouldn't do that. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to do so but the circumstances are very different.

In the first instance, the issue was two children who didn't sleep through the night and my OH never ever being the one getting up, even though I too worked FT. The resentment set in and the moving out was as much to make it easier for me as me not wanting to be near him any longer.

This time, I would much much prefer to share a bed with my husband, but my sleep is very very poor to the point of becoming a real problem. I get hardly no deep sleep, will either struggle to get to sleep or wake up at 4 without being able to get back into sleep and it is affecting me badly. My life is ruled by trying to get better quality sleep. My OH comes to bed later than I and even trying, he will wake me up when he does. He also wakes me up when he goes to the toilet at night. He snores so loudly that it wakes me up even with earplugs, but worse is the fact that he likes the room hot and won't sleep with the window open, even in the summer. We are totally incompatible. It was ok when I was able to sleep better and made due, now it's a big problem. I actually wonder if my chronic sleep problems is the result of years of my good sleep being disturbed.

Good sleep is essential and if it means having to sleep in different beds, so be it. Better not to have a partner next to you at night than a partner who is going mad through sleep deprivation (although in the case of my OH, he's getting both at the moment!).