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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want separate beds

79 replies

Gigigigigi · 30/04/2018 20:40

I’ve been living with my DP for almost a year and I just can’t understand how people can share a bed and get a good night’s sleep.

We have full on arguments about the sides of the bed and going ‘over’ sides. We are not big people but it feels there isn’t enough room. Even worse, his breathing when he sleeps drives me up the wall. It’s so nasally and keeps me up.

We are now thinking we would be happier with separate beds, even separate rooms. Is that weird? Can a happy couple sleep on separate beds?

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 30/04/2018 21:16

You need a bigger bed and until anti snoring nasal spray

jelliebelly · 30/04/2018 21:17

Nytol not until

diddl · 30/04/2018 21:17

"superking bed
separate matreses
single duvets"

Yup!

HeyMicky · 30/04/2018 21:17

Another vote for superking plus separate duvets, if you have the space.

Even then, DH or I go the spare room at least twice a week - he snores, I have insomnia, he often gets up early to finish off work. Bad sleep is debilitating

FASH84 · 30/04/2018 21:18

Another fan of the superking need, DH is 6'4 , and when we had a double I was ready to kill him. Now there's plenty of room for the cat too 😸

Twofishfingers · 30/04/2018 21:20

same here. One of those superking beds that you can zip in the middle. Except it's not zipped, we have separate fitted sheets and separate single duvets (which helps a lot, as I like a thin duvet and a PJ and DH sleeps naked and has a very thick duvet). Earplugs at the ready at bedtime.

Moominfan · 30/04/2018 21:22

We have king and still bicker. If we had space I'd definitely want seperate rooms

blaaake · 30/04/2018 21:24

Dh and I had never had a problem sleeping in the same bed and I still love it and didn't see how we ever would...until we stayed in a relatives spare room in a double. I nearly murdered him BlushHmm I didn't realise how annoying he actually was, taking the covers off me and coming right on my side of the bed. Super king size is the way forward.

BettyBettyBetty · 30/04/2018 21:27

I absolutely can't sleep without my OH Blush but a night in a double at a hotel made me want a divorce.

King size all the way!

justabunchofbunting · 30/04/2018 21:29

You see I feel like I would like this sometimes... My husbands breathing sends me mad during the night often.
However we do have a spare room which one of us sometimes sleeps in if they want to go to bed super late and the other one has to go to bed early or anything like that... and actually I dont tend to sleep better there because im sad hes not there! So I cant win hahaha
Also when hes been on a string of nights and so is sleeping in the spare room I miss him and cant sleep...

I personally think a queen sized bed is the way forward with a memory foam mattress that doesnt move all over if one of you is tossing and turning. That would be my ideal.

Flippetydip · 30/04/2018 21:30

I love cuddling up. We have a tiny bed but make it work by taking it in turns to spoon each other.

That bought me out in a cold sweat of panic and claustrophobia just reading it! I would LOVE separate rooms but we don't have enough bedrooms to make it work sadly. Apparently, historically, it was only paupers who slept in the same bed due to lack of money/rooms. I feel I need my own wing like the aristocracy.

hdh747 · 30/04/2018 21:33

We have separate beds and bedrooms due to medical problems. But we spend a lot of time visiting each other. We always have a read and a snuggle together every night before sleep time. I've always been cold and him hot at night so we snuggle in my bed, I get a nice warm nest and he gets a lovely fresh cool bed when he's ready to sleep. Both happy. I did worry how it would affect our sex life but there's something rather romantic, or naughty, depending on your mood about inviting someone into your boudoir or paying them a visit in theirs.

FretYeNot · 30/04/2018 21:39

We've got a double bed next to a single bed, because he sleeps like a fish laid on a riverbank and I keep wildly different hours to him. He's got a double with an normal quilt and mine is the single with a blanket and summer quilt because otherwise I bake. We sleep loads better.

SheepyFun · 30/04/2018 21:40

We already have a superking, separate mattresses, separate duvets and a white noise machine. However I don't think there's a white noise machine good enough to drown out DH's snoring - there have been times when I've been able to hear him when he's gone to DD's room - two rooms away, with solid (not stud) wall between. You have my sympathy, OP!

theunsure · 30/04/2018 21:44

We have a super expensive Superking bed, zip and link. Made no difference, now we have a Master bedroom and bathroom each.

I realise this is not an option for most-but there is no way we could share a room and stay married. I have an untreatable parasomnia which makes me very difficult to sleep with. DH is a ridiculously light sleeper who also starts work at 5:30am so gets up early and goes to bed much earlier than me.

We tried to sleep together for 2 years, then admitted defeat. The 3 years sleeping separately has been much better. It’s a massive PITA for holidays though, we can ahare a bed for 1 night but any longer we need 2 beds so almost always end up in a villa/apartment/cottage as 2 hotel rooms is too many £ for a longer stay.

user1493413286 · 30/04/2018 21:45

Super king is the way forward; I hate sharing a normal double now

Lellikelly26 · 30/04/2018 21:45

I sleep in a separate room now. I used to have to go in the middle of the night after being woken up every time I went off to sleep by DH’s snoring. I need to sleep our relationship wouldn’t exist if I didn’t. I cuddle him to sleep then go in the other room. Sex life is still good, 4-5 times a week and I get my sleep. I do miss cuddling him in the night though

DailyMailFail101 · 30/04/2018 21:46

You need a superking bed with an emperor sized duvet, I thought I hated sleeping next to my husband but when he’s away on business I can’t sleep at all.

Scrumymum · 30/04/2018 21:49

Another vote for a Super King bed. It's the only way to get a decent night's sleep without going down the separate bedrooms route.

VanillaSugar · 30/04/2018 21:57

Ear plugs
Ear plugs
Ear plugs

porcupinepine · 30/04/2018 21:59

Yeah, just get a massive bed

Woshambo · 30/04/2018 22:05

I hate sleeping beside my OH, he sweats and is always too warm. Things have gotten worse since finding out I was pregnant. Now 2 (bitches) of my 3 very large dogs have been sneaking into bed with us!
I wake up hanging off the edge with 2 big dogs lying on me and no covers!

My OH is on the couch tonight. Hopefully the "girls" will sleep in the livingroom with him.

lavendargreen · 30/04/2018 22:13

YANBU, OP.

lavendargreen · 30/04/2018 22:13

YANBU, OP.

lavendargreen · 30/04/2018 22:13

I agree with @gigigigi

I think sleeping in the same bed is cute and cosy when you're boyfriend and girlfriend, and in the early throes of your relationship. (And you are only sleeping together all night once a week when staying over at each other's place/your parents place.)

But sleeping together in the same bed, long-term, every night, is, IMO, just simply not doable, not conducive to a good marriage, and not good for your mental and physical health.

I am sure some people will dispute that, but based on my own experiences, and that of many people I know, separate beds, (even separate ROOMS) is the way to go. It makes for a better sleep, better rest, a better relationship, and a better marriage.

Some people have suggested 'super-king- beds, but that doesn't eliminate his snoring, and coughing, and throat-clearing, and grunting, and getting up and down to the loo, and duvet hogging..... Separate bedrooms is the answer to a great sleep, and a happy marriage!

I also wonder; why a 'super-king' bed? Why not separate beds? Confused

The OP is correct; when you are in the same bed, you simply can't have a decent night's sleep. You get too hot, he snores, he grunts, he pulls the quilt off you, he kicks you, he coughs, he punches you, he elbows you, he clears his throat, he sneezes, he gets up and down t the loo, he hiccups, and fuck knows what else.

I lost count of the amount of times DH pulled the duvet off me, elbowed me in the face, ribs, and back, coughed loudly in my ear (just as I was dropping off to sleep,) and started snoring loudly when I had just dropped off into a peaceful sleep. It was literally like some kind of P.O.W. camp torture.

I regularly felt lethargic and fatigued, and had to go to work on it. 3 years I tolerated it (in our 1 bed flat,) and regularly crawled onto the couch to get a much needed 5 hours straight-through sleep.

When we moved into a new 2 bed home, I had some relief as I slept in the spare room sometimes, but our daughter came along after 2 years, and I was back to square one - sleeping with him and struggling again.

So when she was 2, we decided to move her into a bed, and we got bunk beds, so I could have somewhere to crawl into when he kept me awake. (He couldn't go in the bunks, as he is 5 ft 10 and was 15 stone,) and the beds were for kids (up to about 12.) Because I was 10 stone and 5 ft 4, I was able to fit OK in the bed.

Then we moved to a 3 bed home (nearly 15-16 years ago,) and I got a bedroom of my own, made it my own, and never looked back. I could never ever share a bed OR bedroom again with my DH. Or any other man. If we split or he died, and I entered into another relationship (which is very unlikely,) I would never share a bedroom, never.......

We have a perfectly, decent, happy marriage and a decent love life, but do not share a bed. Some men are pretty arsey about having separate bedrooms as they see it as a slur on their manhood, but my DH doesn't mind. I think he enjoys the peace too.

As the OP said, I cannot fathom how anyone can share a bed long-term, and think it's quite unnatural to share as you simply cannot sleep for any good length of time. I think it all harks back to the days when people shared a bed to keep warm, and eventually married couples were expected to sleep together.

I used to be embarrassed about it, like we weren't normal, but over the past 10 years, I have heard of so many couples choosing to sleep separately, and some who don't (coz there's no extra bedrooms,) saying they envy me, so I don't feel bad about it now. And I don't care about saying we have separate bedrooms.

Even when we go on holiday, we have separate bedrooms. The last time we went and had separate bedrooms, a few married couples there were really envious, and wished they had done the same. 'I didn't know you could DO that! they said LOL! It obviously costs more, but I would rather pay £900 for the 2 of us for a week abroad with a bedroom each, than pay £700 and have to share a room.

I will never ever ever share a bed OR a bedroom with ANYone again, as long as I live.