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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I've treated this person badly

56 replies

Leftcheekrightcheek · 30/04/2018 17:39

I was very close friends with someone for a number of years and would see or speak to her most days - we were each other's main confident.

Then a year or so ago our lives started to head down different paths, or rather she took a sharp turn off the path I'm still following. I actually thought this would cause our friendship to drift and realised I'd become too reliant on her and decided to make an effort to widen my social circle. I also found myself becoming increasingly irritated and annoyed by certain personality traits of hers. They're not things she can easily change and I don't dislike her but started feeling that I needed to distance myself and not have her as a close friend anymore as she can be an attention seeking drama queen.

So I started the distancing process. Stopped initiating contact, was slow to respond to her messages, stopped reacting to her prolific fb posts, too busy to meet up etc etc. Instead of the friendship slowly drifting like I expected, her persistence intensified and she eventually asked if she'd done anything to offend to which I replied that I was just very busy (which is actually true these days!).

After I declined yet another invitation to meet up several weeks ago I've not heard from her since. So it seems I finally got what I was aiming for!

However, I feel guilty! She often posts "woe is me" type stuff on fb and in the past I'd always be one of the first to react. She seems to be going through a particularly tough time at the moment, although I do now believe a lot of her issues are of her own making. I've ignored every post and let others do the ((((hugs)))). We have a few mutual friends who have mentioned "poor X" and asked if I've seen her lately to which I've been non committal muttering about being "too busy". I'm sure sooner or later people will realise we're no longer friends and will think I'm a cold hearted cow Shock

Honestly folks, AIBU or did I treat this friend like shit and handle the whole thing badly?!?

OP posts:
planetsweet · 30/04/2018 17:45

I believe we attract people into our lives that we need at any time. (If we allow them in.) You will find what you need and she will find what she needs. She is looking by posting "woe is me" stuff. Someone will respond.

You did what you had to do for you.

hungryhippo90 · 30/04/2018 17:45

You don't sound like you've been the greatest friend, but people do grow apart.

Cupoteap · 30/04/2018 17:58

If you don't want to I friend then hide her posts

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/04/2018 17:58

I don't think you've treated her like shit, friendships do change over time and people who once had loads in common can grow apart. Sometimes you get to know someone almost too well and they begin to grate or become draining, especially people who seem to constantly have drama but largely of their own making.

It's not easy withdrawing from a friendship but nobody is obliged to stay friends with someone they no longer want to spend time with. Some might say that she deserved an explanation rather than the "distancing" method but really, what were you supposed to say? Friend, you have personality traits that really irritate me and I find you very attention seeking? Hmm I can't see that going down well!

Pengggwn · 30/04/2018 18:00

I think the whole 'distancing' and then refusing to answer the very natural question of whether you have offended her was very rude, to be honest. It doesn't sound like she actually did anything wrong. So yes, you should feel guilty in my opinion.

DuchyDuke · 30/04/2018 18:03

One of my friends did something similar to what you did to me. It took the birth of her child for me to realise I was better off without her. I spent a great deal of time and money getting her the perfect gift that she asked for, and then the day after baby was born she had photographed her baby in the same 300 quid bouncer I had bought. She had forgotten she had even asked me for it!

PamsterWheel · 30/04/2018 18:07

It's being done to me at the moment and is incredibly painful. I am actually heartbroken about it. Part of the pain comes from the 'not knowing' and I would prefer if my longstanding friend said something ANYTHING to me about her withdrawal from our close friendship.

Initially I thought you were her! However, she is the one going through a very tough time so I guess it's not you.

Jessikita · 30/04/2018 18:28

I understand that people grow apart. But yes I think you’ve behaved quite badly. It’s awful being cut off quite suddenly by someone and wondering what you did wrong. Then she even went out her way to ask, which demonstrates that she still cares for you, and misses you.

If she’s having a stressful time and you think it’s of her own making, when she mentioned it to you, why don’t you just honestly and objectively give her your viewpoints and or suggestions. This might actually help her.

I think she may be very hurt you’ve dumped her in her time of need.

HoldingTheLineWinston · 30/04/2018 18:33

It would have been better if you had gently told her you just needed a break from the friendship at the moment. Whatever her issues (and please remember that you too will have issues that you aren't entirely aware of) it's incredibly painful to be dropped with no explanation, and left to wonder what you have done. It's like an actual bereavement. I don't think you would like it much if it was you.

Nikephorus · 30/04/2018 18:34

If someone decided they didn't fancy seeing me for whatever reason & it wasn't something I could / would want to change then I'd actually rather they went with the whole 'I'm busy' routine. Far less hurtful.
I've never understood why there's such a reluctance on MN to let friendships slide and disappear. It's not like you make a vow to stick together through thick & thin. If it's perfectly acceptable to LTB at the drop of a hat then why is LTF (leave the friend) so heinous?

dinosaursandtea · 30/04/2018 18:38

I’ve done it. I mean, what’s your other choice? I don’t think it’s easy to end friendships, we don’t have a template for it like we do with romantic relationships.

Daifuku9 · 30/04/2018 18:40

Imagine the tables are turned. How would you feel being on the receiving end, especially after asking point blank what’s the issue and was it something you did?
There’s your answer.

notsohippychick · 30/04/2018 18:43

I think you have been quite mean. If you don’t want to invest in the relationship anymore tell her. Don’t just ignore her.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/04/2018 18:53

I think people may believe it would be easier or hurt less if they knew why, it's human nature after all to want a reason however I doubt very much that knowing really would help at all in most cases. Let's be honest the explanation is never going to be well, your convivial company, enthusiasm for life and generosity of spirit really gets on my nerves is it?

In reality any honest explanation is going to be something negative about the person being unfriended and really, who actually wants to listen to somebody listing your faults or the aspects of your personality that irritate them? Yes we can say we'd rather know but the knowing could potentially be devastating! At least the distancing thing gives people the option to believe that DFriend really is just busy and possibly even decide "well I'm not going to bother asking anymore" so allows the person to feel like they had some part of the decision to end the friendship rather than feel dumped.

HoldingTheLineWinston · 30/04/2018 18:57

CocoPuffsInGodsMode

It's a nice thought, but it really doesn't work like that. You feel utterly shitty, with zero input or ability to change the situation. It's extremely cruel, and takes a long time to get over...MN is littered with people saying how much it hurt them when it happened to them.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/04/2018 19:06

Holding I don't for one second doubt the hurt that is felt when this happens. The point is you can't avoid that hurt if one person wants to end the friendship, you just can't.

Remember too that MN is also littered with posters trying to deal with friends who are (in their opinion) emotionally draining/overbearing/all take, no give etc and the advice is usually to be unavailable, don't respond to messages immediately, be busy when they call and so on. Now I doubt the friends being posted about see themselves that way at all and likely they too are left wondering but I don't know how you tell a friend what you don't like about them without causing even more hurt.

TammySwansonTwo · 30/04/2018 19:09

Cold and cruel, in my opinion. Not a nice way to treat someone who cares about you at all. I’ve been on the receiving end of this sort of thing and it’s incredibly painful. Grow a spine and tell her the truth.

HoldingTheLineWinston · 30/04/2018 19:11

You can't avoid the hurt of the friendship ending, no, I quite agree. But you can avoid the hurt of the non instigator wondering forever more if, when, why and never having any resolution to that. THAT is extremely painful, THAT you can avoid. You don't have to be overly nasty, or explain every single one of your friends faults, but you can be honest that you are unhappy and the relationship is over.

ChipsAndKetchup · 30/04/2018 19:16

A previous good friend has very recently done this to me. It really fucking hurts and my personality type is that I have now spent FUCKING WEEKS wondering what I did.

Just fucking ring her and explain and say you're sorry she's having some shit but you're in a different place and can't deal with it. I'd respect my 'friend' so much more if she did that for me then maybe I can just move on.

Lifeontheoceanwave · 30/04/2018 19:18

Yes you have behaved badly. Yes people do grow apart but decent human kindness would require you to check in on someone you know that seems to be making cries for help. Everyone has traits that are less than desirable. You owed her an explanation. In the long run she’s probably better off without your “friendship” tbh

Fatbergs · 30/04/2018 19:20

She’s better off without you, OP.

You’ve basically dumped her because your lives have taken a different trajectory. So
I’m guessing one of you is in a rather better place than previously.

Sounds like you were itching to dump her.

Something similar happened to me and you know what? Ten years on I’m well over it. But it took ten years. And I suspect it stemmed from jealousy.

LavenderDoll · 30/04/2018 19:22

You should call her and explain to her.
It's cruel otherwise

greendale17 · 30/04/2018 19:22

You sound like a cruel and heartless person OP

LittleBirdBlues · 30/04/2018 19:25

You should have told her the truth. A friend deserves that much even if you've decided she will no longer be in your life. Your behaviour was cowardly and you must have caused her a lot of unnecessary pain.

MondayMusings · 30/04/2018 19:31

You don't sound very nice.

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