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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I deal with the fact that DH is an alcoholic?

29 replies

tightsstink · 30/04/2018 00:35

Name changed
Regular user.. Maui, cancel the check etc

I've known for some time that my dh has a drink problem, but I need some help with tackling it.

For context we have 2 dc's. Both work ft, he is a great dad, loving and thoughtful husband and a great partner. We are lucky to have each other.

BUT..... He can't handle his drink. He can't draw the line no matter how good his intentions are or how hard he tries. He can't recognise the line that you don't cross when you've had enough.
He never causes any trouble in so far that he won't argue with anyone or start fights... he will fall asleep or just keep on drinking and be sick.
When I'm with him and I try to point out that he's had too much, I get told by him not to worry, he's fine
But he's not... if I'm not there he can't be trusted to find a safe way home.
In the past he's fell asleep on grass verges and been brought home by the police. I genuinely don't know if he goes out for the night that he's gonna come home safe
It's a nail biting waiting game
He's always been the same but my nerves can't take any more. Any ideas / suggestions for how to deal??

OP posts:
MrsDylanBlue · 30/04/2018 00:38

Does he recognise he has a problem?

tightsstink · 30/04/2018 00:42

Sort of. He knows that he falls asleep and blacks out after a certain point. He resolved to do better every time.
But when we are in company and he's drinking he gets so greedy
Example
We were at a friends last night and he was doing great. Then said friend started making mojitos, then espresso martinis. He downed the martini in literally 5 mins... the rest of us sipped over it for 30 mins.
At the time I was telling him to slow down... but he had already passed the point so it was as too late

OP posts:
tightsstink · 30/04/2018 00:43

I just don't know what to do anymore I'm so tired of it.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/04/2018 00:45

He needs to recognise that there is a problem and want to tackle it. Otherwise, pretty much nothing will change.

He doesn't sound as though he does see the problem, unfortunately. Do you speak about it? What is his reaction?

tightsstink · 30/04/2018 00:49

Yes we talk about it when there is been a 'bad' episode... like when the taxi driver delivers him home and he doesn't even have the sense to pay him!!!!
Or if his behaviour has got in the way of my enjoyment of family events, which it often does.
Then he will attend a few events sober ( his brothers stag for example) and believe he's got it sussed
But then he will go on the booze again at the next gathering and its just st a gamble

There have been times where he's been nasty with it, but I'm wise enough to recognise when it's projecting and not my fault

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2018 00:52

The only way to handle this severe of a situation is with an ultimatum, and you need to be strong enough to follow through. He either gets help, stops drinking COMPLETELY, or he leaves. No bargaining, no empty promises. The only person who can change him is him. If you continue to enable this behaviour, I promise you it will only get worse.

Topseyt · 30/04/2018 00:53

My BIL is an alcoholic. I think he knows that he does have problems, but likes to deny them most of the time and has never had the will to really fix it. His marriage could not survive it.

You need to plan for the future with or without your DH. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is possible that he doesn't change.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2018 00:54

FFS, his abuse of alcohol is NEVER YOUR FAULT.

Anotherdayintheoffice · 30/04/2018 00:55

The only thing that worked for me is giving DH an ultimatum. When he broke his promise and got drunk again, I just took the kids and moved out into a hotel room. He begged me to come back and have not been drinking much since then. I think he stopped completely for about 3 years and now has one glass of champagne on special occasions. He also started running and going to the gym and lost lots of weight.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 30/04/2018 00:55

You need to recognise you're not responsible for his sobriety. You need to find out what your breaking point is and leave if you get to that point to protect yourself and your children.

You serve up an ultimatum - sobriety or single. It will hurt to do it but he needs to know you're serious and you need to mean it or he will never sober up.

My husband nearly died due to drink. He's been sober for nearly 2 years now and I only just feel I'm getting him back. Self preservation is key.

tightsstink · 30/04/2018 00:56

@Aquamarine1029 I know you are right... but how??? He is my world and vice versa. But I know that his relationship with alcohol is so toxic it is lethal!!!
His dbro is clearly an alcoholic but in our culture (Irish) it's not taken seriously.

My definition of an alcohol problem is when it impacts on your job, love life or money and currently he's ticking the lovelife box

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/04/2018 01:00

Yes, an ultimatum is needed.

He fixes himself permanently and never drinks again or the relationship is over.

You just can't live on your nerves like that, wobbling from one disaster to the next, always dreading what he might do.

Anotherdayintheoffice · 30/04/2018 01:00

DH works in the city and provides us with a comfortable lifestyle, but it came to a point where I would rather live in a refuge than tolerate his drinking. It will only get worse if you don’t stop him, you’ll start to resent him and he will resent you for nagging. It will erode all your feelings and ruin your marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2018 01:00

His drinking IS impacting his and your life. That's why you wrote this post. Do you really have to wait for the bomb to go off before you demand change? Your husband could literally destroy your life if he drives drunk and kills someone, or any number of other tragic possibilities. It is simply a matter of time before his drinking impacts every single aspect of his life.

RavishMinoux · 30/04/2018 01:26

This from @Topseyt totally hits the nail on the head, for better or worse:

"He needs to recognise that there is a problem and want to tackle it. Otherwise, pretty much nothing will change."

I was an alcoholic for the best part of fifteen years. I can only speak from my own experience, but, for me, no one, no matter how influential or important in my life, convinced me to stop drinking. I had to recognise the problem and then act on that recognition in order to address it. In fact, as odd as this sounds, sometimes a “bad” example can be more beneficial than a “good” one. In my case, a dear, dear friend of mine who was a senior sound supervisor at the BBC frittered his life away through alcohol and died in his early sixties from an oesophageal varices (a common cause of alcoholism related death). It was only after his death that, by degrees, I realised that if I didn’t change I would end up going down the same path as my dear friend.

For myself, even the best-intentioned words from family and friends were misinterpreted as interference, controlling behaviour and nagging. Now I can see that it was simply concern they were expressing, but at the time I hated it and it actually made the problem worse. It made me behave secretively and instead of drinking openly, to avoid the recriminating voices of others I drank furtively and behind people’s backs.

Also, whilst the OP seems to be approaching this difficult situation thoughtfully, in that the OP isn’t asking for her husband to totally quit, conquering alcoholism looks different for different people. Some people have to stop drinking all alcohol forever, some people have to rein it in firmly and be very mindful during times where alcohol is around. Perhaps it’s worth the OP considering how a “better” and non-addicted version of her partner would “look”. This, in my view, actually matters because if her vision of sobriety is a million miles away from what her husband think he might be capable of, then there are likely to be real problems and differences in approach. In my own case, my partner never expected me to become tee-total. He just wanted it to be “normalised” - which is what I achieved eventually.

Really, the best advice I can give is, outside of a time where there is alcohol around, talk to him calmly about your reality and how you see his drinking. But I’d suggest just talking and not saying “I want you to stop” or “you must get help”. At least in the first instance or two of discussion. Sew the seeds and allow him to go away and think about it. Very often, a heartfelt admission of worry and concern without expectation or admonishment can go a very long way. I’m lucky enough to say this has happened with my own partner. He’s never said “I must stop… or else”, but rather that I simply wasn’t functioning with the best version of myself and he put enough blind faith in me to see there was potential for change. Of course, we’re all different, and I don’t know what the unique dynamics between you and your husband are. Of course, if something goes on and it stays the same or gets worse, you have every right to then begin pointing up consequences. But sometimes it isn’t necessary to crack a nut with a sledgehammer. Showing someone you have faith they can get better is at least as powerful as a threat.

Anyway, I wish you both the best of luck and really hope you can find a way forward through this difficult situation.

yousignup · 30/04/2018 01:38

@RavishMinoux thank you!
My DH is a drunk and a nasty one, when drunk. He is convinced I am a nag and does not accept he has a problem.

I gave him an ultimatum last year, took him back after 6 months and he did it again. I told him to leave a month ago and he's gone.
Not policing his drinking is such a relief. I am so calm now and so are the DC.
OP it's not you, it's entirely him. The triggers are all his, not yours.
I wish I knew how to make him realise he has a problem, but I can't.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 30/04/2018 02:35

I loved AA. It was a great learning curve for me. In London there are 800 AA meetings a week.. all over Uk and on skype too.

PinotMwah · 30/04/2018 06:23

Sorry OP. It's brave of you to come on and talk about this. I'd love to be able to tell you it will all be alright but the reality is that its a hard road ahead for you and possibly a fairly binary choice.

You probably know about the 3 cs of alcoholism: as the drinker's family you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

I had an alcoholic for a dad and later one for a husband. The one thing I know from bitter experience of this is that you can't nag, cajole, sweet-talk or guilt-trip someone with a drinking problem into addressing their problems. They have to feel an urgency to do it from within themself or nothing will every change.

Ravish's suggestion is a good one for approaching him: do it at a neutral time, when he is not drinking and in a non-incriminating way. Depending on your relationship he may or may not take this on board.

But you asked in your thread how you "cope" with alcoholism. The answer is you make a choice as to whether you can tolerate it and its impact on your life or not. If you can you are basically accepting that your life will be dominated by and compromised by this, by his behaviour and on your relationship and that your children's lives will also be affected by it. If not, you can make a whole new life but it will have to be without him. Alcoholism drags everyone into its wake and it damages families hugely. There is no "coping" with alcoholism. It's totally binary. It you continue to tolerate it it won't change. If you don't you can be the agent of change but it will almost certainly be at the expense of your marriage. You can give him an ultimatum and it may work but you can't count on him responding to it well and you certainly can't count to being able to trust him when he says he'll stop/cut down/go and get support. You will face months, possibly years of checking his breath, looking for empty drinks cans in the house, worrying when he goes out etc.

It sounds as if you're just at the beginning of this process and are not yet ready for this binary decision. And possibly your DH will be able to bring himself to do the right thing without facing the loss of his marriage.

But I wanted you to be aware that its something you are going to have to confront if you want to put this stress behind you.

I really recommend getting in touch with Al Anon if you haven't. I went for three sessions and they really helped me. I'd checked out by then but the support was phenomenal. Good luck.

Smeddum · 30/04/2018 06:34

He either gets help, stops drinking COMPLETELY, or he leaves

He is also not setting a good example to your children. They don’t need to see this shit and accept it as normal, because it’s not normal at all.

CollyWombles · 30/04/2018 07:10

OP, my opinion here is likely bias on the basis that my DH is an alcoholic and currently nearly a year dry.

First off, don't bother giving an ultimatum. Really, don't. You may as well just end the marriage then and there. Alcoholism is a disease, a very serious addiction. He will likely have every intention of giving up the drink, but he won't be able to. It's an ultimatum no-one will win.

My DH maintains that he didn't realise he was an alcoholic until I sat him down and told him he was. Very clearly. He was brought up with alcoholic parents, in a country where drinking lots and often is the norm. But even without alcoholic parents etc, alcoholics can take a long time to accept they have a problem, because accepting that means they need to stop drinking and they don't want to do that.

You need to decide what is right for you, before anything else. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. For the rest of their lives. They can be a recovering alcoholic for 20 years but they are still an alcoholic. There will always be the fear of a relapse for you even if he does go into recovery with help.

I gave DH an ultimatum. He failed of course and we split. We were separated for two years with no contact and I was getting ready to divorce him when circumstances happened and he came to stay with me for a short while. His addiction was so strong that even losing his wife and step kids hadn't stopped him drinking. His rock bottom was when his mum died from her alcoholism. It changed something in him.

He was still drinking when he came to stay but not like he used to. Being around the kids and I again, he realised how much he wanted to be back with us and so he began tapering himself off alcohol and attending the AA. I will never forget the day he said to me, tomorrow I am stopping. His plan was to taper off over a month and two weeks in he made the decision for himself to just stop. That's when I knew something was different.

DH made the choice to attend AA. He made the choice to stop drinking. He made the choice to start Antabuse as a further deterrant.

That's the important part OP, my DH did it alone. He accepted he was an alcoholic and he got himself help.

Your DH does not sound like he is ready to accept he is an alcoholic. Much less seek help. Think very carefully about whether you can handle the very long journey your DH has in front of him. You cannot cure him.

Dapplegrey · 30/04/2018 07:22

Op please go to Al Anon - you will get help and support there.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/04/2018 07:31

“How do I deal with the fact that DH is an alcoholic”

You can’t. Topseyt is spot on with this “He needs to recognise that there is a problem and want to tackle it. Otherwise, pretty much nothing will change”

My BIL is an alcoholic. He no longer drinks, but he isn’t recovering. He won’t ever recover. He has destroyed 80% of his liver which can no longer process the toxins in his body. As a result it has caused permanent brain damage and he now has dementia. His body doesn’t work properly, he soils himself all the time and he can barely talk or walk. He is a vegetable. He is now in a care home as SIL can’t cope with him any more.

She has had years of misery living with him, his children hate him and what he has done to their mother. Unless your husband can acknowledge that he has a drink problem this is what you can look forward to.

Please don’t do anything for him. If he falls over with his head in the dog bowl leave him there. Don’t support him into bed etc. He needs to realise the impact of his drinking.

MidLifeCrisis2017 · 30/04/2018 07:38

AlAnon, just one session which I sobbed through, really helped me in a very similar situation. I felt a bit of a fraud before I went as he was never violent but frequently embarrassing, and the financial toll was horrendous.

I left within a year. Eight years on, he's lost his job and his driving licence and is just beginning to see there might be an issue.

Ansumpasty · 30/04/2018 09:13

I’m afraid he has to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem himself and it often takes something ‘not good’ to happen before alcoholics can accept it.
You can try and broach the subject when he’s sober and calm but chances are, he will be in denial. You can try the ultimatum card but in reality, it’s his body, his choice and his addiction that he needs to face up to.
Doesn’t mean you have to stand for it, though!

SD1978 · 30/04/2018 09:19

How frequently are these episodes? It sounds more that he has an issue with binge drinking, than alcoholism, although both can have a huge issue and impact on family life. You’ve said that he has modified his behaviour before, but only short term- I think you need to approach him with concerns about binge drinking, as he doesn’t sound like he falls into the alcoholic category- and labelling him that instead of irresponsible binge drinker may be having less impact.

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