Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My BPD ex gave me a ring, now he wants to dictate what I do with it?

31 replies

GreenlightBluelight · 29/04/2018 22:14

My ex, who I worked out (through some extraordinarily painful times) has borderline personality disorder. Whilst we were together he bought me a very pretty ring, not expensive, a kind of 'friendship' ring. I gave him one too although he threw it away in a fit of pique one day. Anyway, we're now separated and it's sort-of amicable - at least right at this minute it is. The trouble is, we're work colleagues in a small business. He told me today that I'm no longer to wear the ring he gave me as it's like 'I'm trying to draw him back in'. He said it's like we've got divorced but I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I really love this ring, it's so pretty. I understand taking it off to save his feelings but I also feel a bit pissed I'm being dictated to. Aibu? And if I am, how do I get rid of my hurt feelings being told to take it off?

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 29/04/2018 22:16

Sorry, but seriously, 'hurt feelings' over a ring? You both need to grow up. A lot.

And you diagnosed him with BPD? I'm more interested in your qualifications to do this.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/04/2018 22:18

Personally, as the ring was given to you as a symbol of your relationship/friendship and it upsets him so much, I'd give him the ring back.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2018 22:19

It’s yours. It was yours the minute he gave it to you.

What you wear is nothing to do with him. Tell him to sod off.

His personality doesn't have anything to do with it.

CurlyRover · 29/04/2018 22:19

Seriously? YABU purely on the basis of diagnosing him with BPD and if you seriously think he has a very serious mental health condition YABU for using it against him. His health has no baring on your post whatsoever.

I agree with @NewYearNewMe18 in that you both need to grow up

snewname · 29/04/2018 22:21

It's yours to do with as you wish but I do sort of see his point of he has to see you everyday.
Can you just wear it at weekends?

PlanesOverMe · 29/04/2018 22:27

Wear it at the weekend?
He's upset by it. He can't tell you what to do with it but as you're colleagues I'd try to keep the peace.
What makes you say he has BPD?

Bixx · 29/04/2018 22:30

You ‘worked out’ he had BPD? Ok then. Hmm Are you a consultant psychiatrist?

TrippingTheVelvet · 29/04/2018 22:33

Wow. I would have thought someone qualified to diagnose BPD would be above pettiness over a ring.

Oh wait. You're not qualified.

saison4 · 29/04/2018 22:37

you lost me when you diagnosed him with BPD. you obviously know nothing about BPD if you can just 'work it out' Hmm
you sound charming.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 29/04/2018 22:38

I have BPD. It’s really not the sort of thing you can armchair diagnose, and it’s really offensive when it’s used as a catch all for bad behaviour in relationships. Please stop.

mamahanji · 29/04/2018 22:40

As someone who has BPD, diagnosed by an actual specialist in the field...it's not a synonym for difficult/angry/emotional/over sensitive.

Grow up and down diagnose people from your lofty perch.

mamahanji · 29/04/2018 22:40

*dont

MrsDeathOfRats · 29/04/2018 22:43

Good lord.
I don't have BPD, but I'm quite offended by your post.
There's your problem. You. And your superiority.

gingerh4ir · 29/04/2018 22:47

one may not be able to diagnosis BPD by way of 'working it out' as a lay person. but one can certainly come to the conclusion that an OP is incredibly stupid by reading the opening post.

TheBigFatMermaid · 29/04/2018 22:49

I hope the small business you are work colleagues in is a psychiatry business, otherwise you have no business diagnosing him with a psychiatric disorder!

FrancisUnderwood · 29/04/2018 22:52

A consultant diagnoses BPD. Not a disgruntled ex.

Some of us have fought long and hard for that diagnosis.

How dare you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2018 22:52

Its your ring, wear it when you like and ask him why, if he doesnt want to get drawn back in, he is taking so much notice of what you are wearing.

ProzacAndWine · 29/04/2018 22:52

You know only a psychiatrist is able to diagnose a person with BPD, right? It's usually a somewhat lengthy process, and certainly not something you can just "work out" and start calling a person on the basis of their unpleasent or unreasonable behaviour.

A lot of us BPD diagnosed are not arseholes towards the people in our lives, but the way.

ProzacAndWine · 29/04/2018 22:52

*by the way ^

Skittlesandbeer · 29/04/2018 22:54

Diagnosis aside, I’d probably leave the ring at home for weekends, or in my wallet to wear after work. Replace it with another, nicer one. And refuse to answer questions about it.

FrancisUnderwood · 29/04/2018 22:57

And I agree with a PP, 'BPD' is NOT a catch all for being an arse.

Deciding someone is mentally ill because you have issue with them is borderline gaslighting.

Why not turn your amateur psychiatry inwards and take a look at your own 'disordered personality'.

(Yes, this triggered me)

ButchyRestingFace · 29/04/2018 22:58

You ‘worked out’ he had BPD? Ok then. hmm Are you a consultant psychiatrist?

Maybe she is. Maybe she's in one consulting suite and he's in the next. At least she didn't say he was a 'narc'. Grin

OP, if he's taking the arse over something petty a ring, how long do you think you two are going to be able to continue working together in a small business?

ToothyMcPuthy · 29/04/2018 22:58

Just don’t wear the ring at work.

gamerchick · 29/04/2018 23:01

Can you not just get an identical ring and give him one back?

When it comes to ex’s just pick your battles. He can’t whinge if you wear one then. Snap that last thread.

TheFrendo · 29/04/2018 23:11

Change jobs and be done with it.