Need to know his rights

[namechangejan]

Name changed to avoid being outed and posting in AIBU mainly for traffic, although there is an element of it, I suppose.

My relationship with my husband has been getting steadily worse since the birth of our son 5 months ago. I guess one of the issues is that having a newborn is hard! Sleepless nights, no evenings to ourselves etc etc. We're at the stage where seemingly random conversations can be become really, really nasty.

We're going to split up because I feel that his behaviour is totally unacceptable: swearing and shouting during arguments: calling me a 'slag' earlier, all in front of our son. You don't need to tell me to LTB because I absolutely am. I don't want my son thinking it's okay to speak to women like that or that I'm some sort of doormat who will take that sort of behaviour lying down.

However, my husband is a Police Officer and has said the following things and that they are correct because he knows through his job:

1. he will have DS for 50% of the time and feed him formula, even though he is EBF and I don't want him to have formula.
2. he will take him abroad on holiday next month, without me and without my permission. He claims that if I were to speak to the Police about this, they'd do nothing about it until he got home and by then he'd have 'got away with it.'
3. that he will make false claims about my mental health if we go to court regarding custody arrangements and they will side with him because he is a police officer.

Can anyone offer some insight into if any of this is true? And maybe some advice going forward?

TIA

This probably is unreasonable but I love my son so much, and can't bear the idea of what he's saying will happen, that I'll probably apologise and stay with him if any of it is true. I can't be away from my baby boy 50% of the time or have him go abroad without me while he's so tiny. It breaks my heart to think about it.

You need to speak to a solicitor. You'd be asked to do mediation but...

1. No, he is EBF so a court- of you went to court- would unlikely let DP have him overnight until nearer a year if you are ebf. However the whole court thing is long
2. He can't take DS out of country if a Non resident parent (NRP), without your signature. Talk to solicitor about it. Does he have DP's last name? But talk.to solicitor ... He won't risk his career
3. He sounds abusive. That's a nasty tactic. Can you tape him saying this? Record phonecall or chat if you can. Save his texts... Courts know full well that police officers can be abusive men too. Save/collect evidence of any threats he makes ...

He is absolutely right that he would be able to get away with taking your son out of the country. Especially if he has same surname. I've only ever been questioned about my two returning back into England not going out and neither time have I had a letter from their dad (although he knew obviously).

And I'd be wary of the court system as unfortunately if you read my past threads, my ex partner has had my children taken from me via courts through nothing but lies. People who think that courts side with mums are wrong.

Try posting in the legal section, your dh is manipulating information to control you

There are a number of lovely family law posters, Mrs Bertbibby, prh etc who can tell you his real rights

I hate nasty bullies who manipulate vulnerable mums like you, and he’s wrong about formula feeding when your baby is ebf

I have had similar , so will say that while everything is very nasty and you can't have a conversation, he will say anything to hurt and scare you. Once the legal bit kicks in, it moderates what they threaten but until then they say awful things to wind you up and bully you. He probably has no intention of going on holiday and if he works shifts 50/50 is incredibly difficult, but he says these things because he knows how to get at you. Find your inner Zen when he talks to you and just nod. Don't bite. The more you do , the more he knows your weak point. Mine threatened everything- is be penniless, social services would take dd as I was unstable, he'd ruin me etc. I got 50% full custody and he's a sad lonely man living with his mum. Just stay calm and ignore him.

If his behaviour is abusive towards a you - shouting, swearing, acting aggressively, threatening you, etc - please do report it to the police. Even if you have to record him saying things - like making up lies about your mental health etc.

Trust me, his own senior colleagues won’t take kindly to his behaviour. And it will put his job seriously at risk.

He sounds incredibly bullying and manipulative. As many police officers can be as a result of being in a job of power.

If he thinks his job and pension could be at risk due to his behaviour he might back off a bit.

Fairly drastic advice I know, but he’s threatening you because of his job. Because he thinks he can get away with doing anything he wants.

You also need to report him to his superiors. His behaviour is total dereliction of duty and if he ever wears his uniform home and acts like that then it's misconduct in a public office.

Also is your son your only child?

Yes @RomeoBunny first child.

The court system was very fair to me. Very fair.

But I made very clear statements, kept my behaviour incredibly civil and dignified (ExH couldn't keep up that facade for more than ten minutes), and it was stressful but went well. ExH didn't even want that much contact in the end - they never do - he just wanted to 'win'. Twat.

But you do need a solicitor; or to research and get your orders in asap. And I would report him for coercively controlling behaviour tbh.

He is trying to scare you x
He would have to fight to get shared custody and it would be very unlikely.
He could lie about your mental health but you can provide a doctors letter and medical evidence that you’re fit and well, which would prove his lies etc

If you could get him to put those threats in writing, that would be a huge help to you.

Keep a record of what he's saying for if it does go to court and carry on breast feeding and ask your health visitor for advice and ask them to note it on your son's records.
What he is suggesting isn't in the best interests of your DS hes trying to scare you

If he takes your son and doesn't return him for any reason, you can also go to court to get an emergency court order.

When you split I'd advise you to go through the courts to get them to decide when he can have visitations. Normally you'd need to attend mediation first but as this is emotional abuse, you can get away with skipping that and going straight to court. If he breaks the court order, you have every right to go to the police. Without anything in place, in the eyes of the law, he can do what he wants.

Hide the passport of your DS - can you put it in safekeeping with your parents or a trusted friend? He won’t be leaving the country with your DS without that.
Your H is likely to be suspended from work if you go to police with your complaints. Seek advice from Women’s Aid too.

Def get some legal advice and make sure they record the info about the threats he has made. (thinking about it logically why would anyone want to take a small baby abroad alone anyway? It will hardly be a holiday - is this just a stupid threat to try and scare you?)

Does your DS have a passport yet?

If not, get him one. He can only have one and you can keep it somewhere safe - perhaps at a trusted relative's house.

What PP said, he needs reporting, but don't go to his senior officer, go straight to the IPCC and lodge an official complaint. He is abusing his position to manipulate, intimidate and threaten you which can be considered gross misconduct in his position.

Also, most of what he is saying is bullsh*t.

I work for the police btw.

Also - he is just trying to threaten and scare you. If you are EBF then I don't think a court will let him have your DS 50% or on holiday. As a PP pointed out, who would want that 'holiday' anyway?

He is saying any old bullshit to try to upset and scare you. Well done for LTB.

If not, get him one. He can only have one and you can keep it somewhere safe - perhaps at a trusted relative's house.

Absolute rubbish. Again miss-advice on MN. Any person with PR can apply for a passport. And the other can state it is 'lost' and apply for a n new on, thus a merry-go-round is started.

Can you record/film him threatening you, for evidence?

If you apply for his passport You can write to the passport office to get a caveat written that states you hold the passport.
If the other parent reports it stolen the passport office will contact you to check.
Can’t comment on the rest I’m afraid but know about the passport thing

Zero chance of 50/50 with an EBF baby. Talk to a solicitor about Probitive Steps order if he's threatening to takeyour baby abroad without your agreement. MH - he's just being an abusive cunt. Keep a record of all his threats. Talk to your HV or GP about threats. Talk to Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse organisation. Live a good life when you are rid of this nasty bastard.

Hon you need a solicitor ASAP
Like NOW

Yes eventually he will get access
But not when so young and not when BF

Try Stowe family lawyers - very good and very reasonable . It’s really worth spending money for a consultation to get clarity and an hour will give you loads of data

Their rate is about £400 an hour / yes that’s loads but very reasonable compared to some and may be cheaper where you are

And trust me you need to be one step ahead of this one