Need to know his rights

[namechangejan]

Name changed to avoid being outed and posting in AIBU mainly for traffic, although there is an element of it, I suppose.

My relationship with my husband has been getting steadily worse since the birth of our son 5 months ago. I guess one of the issues is that having a newborn is hard! Sleepless nights, no evenings to ourselves etc etc. We're at the stage where seemingly random conversations can be become really, really nasty.

We're going to split up because I feel that his behaviour is totally unacceptable: swearing and shouting during arguments: calling me a 'slag' earlier, all in front of our son. You don't need to tell me to LTB because I absolutely am. I don't want my son thinking it's okay to speak to women like that or that I'm some sort of doormat who will take that sort of behaviour lying down.

However, my husband is a Police Officer and has said the following things and that they are correct because he knows through his job:

1. he will have DS for 50% of the time and feed him formula, even though he is EBF and I don't want him to have formula.
2. he will take him abroad on holiday next month, without me and without my permission. He claims that if I were to speak to the Police about this, they'd do nothing about it until he got home and by then he'd have 'got away with it.'
3. that he will make false claims about my mental health if we go to court regarding custody arrangements and they will side with him because he is a police officer.

Can anyone offer some insight into if any of this is true? And maybe some advice going forward?

TIA

Relate to this as an A level
Get the books , study and start a paper trail
Immediately
Taking control will make you feel better

Are you in
Maternity leave ?

Can you stay with family for a while - or get him to ?

Thank you for all your comments. Lots to do. Number 1) get myself a solicitor.

I feel totally helpless in the face of all of his bullshit because I really don't know how the system works.

I go back to work full time in September: I'm a deputy head in an inner London secondary school so I'm not used to being bullied by people and can now see that, that's what is going on.

I'm actually now just fucking angry about all this, rather than upset.

He's made it very clear that DS and I will be the ones who have to move out, not him, which sort of sums up the sort of person he is.

My ExH has tried to say my mental health is unstable and that I'm not coping well with being a single mother to our DD.

I've had a fitness to parent assessment done by my GP, I've co-operated with the Social Worker and Health Visitor. I have proved that I am not harming my child twice now after ExH and his mother accused me of doing so.

She's still with me, tucked up in her little bed cuddling her dummy. As long as you don't prevent contact then the courts/social services will let you keep your DS. I've agreed for ExH to have supervised visits (due to the nature of the separation he has to have supervision) and things are beginning to die down in terms of his threats.

I'm nearly 2 months post separation now, and I'm beginning to really relax and enjoy it.

Feel free to message me if you want any advice.

*cuddling her Elephant toy and sucking her dummy

I went through a child contact court case last year, if you want any advice or whatever feel free to message me x
Like you my ex was manipulative, he lied, wanted to take my son out of the country, threats etc
I now have full custody, a restraining order and he’s not allowed to contact my son ever.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but as father he does have a 'right' to share his child 50% of the time - he is an equal parent. I'm not saying whilst your DS is being EBF but later down the line. I'm sorry, I know that's hard to hear.

(I'm not saying he deserves it if he's being threatening etc.)

Well you have learnt before OP
Now this is your masters degree
You are an intelligent woman and I bet you (a) he knows very little and (b) he is a bully

Get one step ahead and this too shall pass eventually

Yes he will get access and maybe it’s 50:50 eventually

But not with a breasted baby

Anyway these guys kick off and usually the nasty ones don’t tend to want access anyway / it’s the power thing

Tends to be the nicer ones that genuinely want 50 50

He's made it very clear that DS and I will be the ones who have to move out, not him
Does the house belong to you both? If so this sounds an unlikely outcome, again check with proper legal advice. Hope everything works out, stay strong

I left my abusive police sargeant husband and he was full of all of this type of shit also! He crumbled once I left, especially once I threatened to tell the police and he doesn’t see our son regularly at all.

I’d advise you to get it on record with your health visitor and doctor. I went to doctor to ask if I had post natal depression. She said it sounded like I had a very difficult home situation. Also speak to a solicitor.

Sorry this is happening to you, it’s horrible and leaving I found to be the hardest past. Well done for having the strength to be sure you are leaving but try and get as many ducks in a row as you can. PM me any time if I can help.

OP, go to the HV and tell her the details of his threatening behaviour. Get it noted.

You have made life changes to be your DS’s primary career and as such it is most likely that You will be granted residency and your partner will be granted visitation rights. Starting point for visitation is EOW and a weekday evening. Weekday over nights are very, very hard to get. In terms of him being EBF, this Is what you have always done and as such the courts would seek to ensure your child’s rights are maintained and what is best for him NOT fair for his father is upheld. The EOW would have to be built up to. For the holiday abroad, hide your sons passport.